Tag Archives: texting

Stage Five Clinger

4 Sep

I spent a few days in Vegas this past weekend, and this is just one of the stories that made it out.  What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas…unless it’s blog-worthy.

Though I came home with a menagerie of stories and misadventures from the weekend, the most interesting so far has been with the Stage Five Clinger.  I met him playing craps and it seemed his luck extended past the tables because he ended up with my number.  We texted a bit throughout the afternoon and evening but weren’t able to cross paths again that day.  The next morning at 6am, he texted to see if I was still awake, as he was getting ready to head out and catch his plane.  It’s Vegas…so of course I was still up and ready for a mid-morning date.  We met up for coffee  (his was Starbucks, while mine was Irish,) and chatted for over an hour.  He asked if he could whisk me away for a weekend, and I HAD to say ‘yes.’  (Like I’m going to say ‘no’ to someone offering a weekend getaway…that’s like saying, “No no, I DON’T want stories for my blog…”)

We parted ways and that’s when the mass texting started.  At first, it was innocent enough:

“It was great to meet you, have a great day.” (That’s a perfect follow up text – much appreciated.)

“You are incredible.” (I’ll take it.  I mean, no one is arguing with him here.)

“I hope to see you again.” (Ok, you’re confirming this weekend getaway business, I get it.)

Then, the unnecessary status updates and pointless texting started:

“Boarding my plane, I won’t be able to talk for awhile.” (Um…yea, I know, you DID say you were headed for the airport.)

“Just landed.  Are you home yet?” (No…but why does it matter?)

“Miss me yet?…LOL.” (Umm…are you being serious or ironic?  Either way, superfluous.)

“Good morning sunshine!” (Yes, I’m awake…does this warrant a response?  I need to get ready for work.)

Though this was a little more than slightly annoying, I decided to deal with it because I knew the weekend trip would make up for the over-texting.  Plus, that could likely be easily fixed in one conversation.

That night, during what I can only describe as a textaholic overdose, he asked me what happens if we “get serious.”  (Obviously, he does not know me well.)  I told him to slow his roll; if we wanted to pursue something (which, let’s be honest, is highly unlikely, not only due to my conflicting schedule with his Textaholics Anonymous meetings, but because I can barely commit to plans for a Friday evening, much less a cross-country relationship,) we could figure out the how’s and why’s later. Otherwise, I just wanted a fun weekend in Napa.

Then came the incessant texting…I was sitting at work the next day, and a text came through.  I didn’t check my cell because I was on the phone with a client.  Then I heard the alert again.  …Again, I ignored it.  A minute later: another alert.  Then another, and another.  Finally, I got off the phone with my client and checked my messages to see who had the emergency.  This is what I saw:

“Hi there!”





“U there?”

My response?  “Don’t be clingy. It’s unattractive.”

Later that night, after returning home from the gym, I saw two messages.  “I miss you” and five minutes later, “Hello???”

My (final) response: “You’re creeping me out.”

The idea of someone flying me out to Napa Valley for a whirlwind romance IS tempting and I’d loved to have gone.  Plus, the blog fodder from that weekend would have been priceless; I’m sure.  However, when dealing with a Stage Five Clinger, it’s best to cut your losses as soon as you’re able.  Otherwise, Stage Five Clinger turns into Number One Stalker.

To my Stage Five Clinger, because I know you read the blog:

A piece of honest advice – and please don’t take offense – you’ve got a lot to offer; you shouldn’t give it out so easily.  Playing hard to get is a necessary evil.  Flattery will get you everywhere, but too much of it will get you a restraining order.  The line between not enough and too much isn’t exactly a fine one.  There’s plenty of room for variance; in the future, just reduce your standard deviation.

Remember: If you’d like to submit a question or funny story for the Mid-Week Meltdown, send an email to myvaginamonoblogs@gmail.com, with your name, age, gender, and a little something about yourself.  I try to answer all questions in a timely manner.


Come Again?

17 Aug

As I’ve generally got a pretty consistent influx of match.com-ers as well as “IRL” (in-real-life,) men, there is a definite need for weeding people out, especially at an early stage.  Screening is an important tool in any woman’s (or man’s) artillery.  Sharpen your screening skills and you’ll never have to waste another perfectly good Tuesday night realizing that your time would have been better spent rearranging your sock drawer.

I had my first phone conversation with a new match.com-er last week, who ran himself straight into No-Date-Land without any help from me.  During our conversation, we talked briefly about our professions, our interests, and other “getting acquainted” topics.  As I was short on time, we agreed to finish the conversation the next day, and possibly set up a date.  (My exact words were, “Let’s talk tomorrow, you can take the night to think about how you want to ask me out.” Brazen, I know, but sometimes men need a little push in the right direction…)

The next day, we exchanged a few texts, and he asked me what exactly I did for a living.  It struck me as odd, because I THOUGHT we’d covered this yesterday.  I gave him the benefit of the doubt because I often confuse the conversations I have, due to the aforementioned influx of men.  We texted a bit more, and he then asked what company I worked for.  Now THIS I was 100% positive that we covered.  Annoyed, I wrote back,

“We’ve discussed this.  You are the Sales Director for an Application Life-cycle Management Software company. For a salesperson, you don’t have very good listening skills.”

Now, YES, I realize that was a bit rude…but come on guy.  We literally talked about this 12 hours ago.  I know you’re older than me by a few years, but is Alzheimer’s already kicking in?  Here’s the conversation that followed:

Forgetful Fred: Give a brother a break! PLEASE! 🙂 MUAH!

(Sidebar: Ew. Writing MUAH in a text to a girl you haven’t even met?  You’re obviously trying to “sext,’ but aren’t very good at it.)

Me: I only give out information once…so you’ll probably want to tune in.

Forgetful Fred: U wrote it down!  I was on my cell phone and driving! LOL!

Me: Yea, as you may recall, I was also driving.

A couple things to note:

1.) Writing “LOL” is one of BIGGEST pet peeves, unless you are literally laughing out loud.  I had mentioned this to him not 24 hours prior to this text conversation.

2.) Honestly, if you can’t bother to pay attention to my end of the conversation, not to mention a question that YOU asked ME, you could at least fake it.  The fact that he was inattentive in our conversation is not only rude, but a huge turn-off.

3.) You were on a cell phone? Really?  That’s so weird and uncommon.  I should totally give you some slack because you must be new to this whole multi-tasking thing.  Imagine…driving AND talking on the phone?!?  That’s such an impressive feat, I shouldn’t have expected you to remember my NAME, much less any detail of our conversation.  My my my, the fact that you can even operate a cellular telephone is remarkable.  What a catch you must be.

Obviously, I’ll not be going out with this guy.  Though I suppose it wouldn’t matter if I did, he’d likely forget it by morning.

Remember: If you’d like to submit a question or funny story for the Mid-Week Meltdown, send an email to myvaginamonoblogs@gmail.com, with your name, age, gender, and a little something about yourself.  I try to answer all questions in a timely manner.

Mid-Week Meltdown: Textaholics Anonymous

12 Aug

Our question this week comes from a man in his early thirties, who is wondering how to deal with a sticky situation he’s gotten himself info.

Dear MVM,

I met a girl recently, who is really very cool, but I’m just not into her. Because she is so cool, I got her number, we’ve been texting a LOT, and have hung out with mutual friends since then, but I think I gave her the wrong impression.  In fact, I know I did, and it seems like she is really into me.  The problem is, I want to take her friend on a date.  Is it rude for me to ask her friend out since I may have been (accidentally,) leading her on?


Serial Texter

Dear Texting Terror,

First of all, there is a difference between “texting” and “sexting.”

Texting: Quick notes back and forth to convey information in a manner that is more convenient than calling and having a conversation.

Sexting: Flirtatious, witty comments, often times adorned with emoticons, such as the “winky face” 😉 and the “big smile face” :-D.  Sexting is not about conveying information, it’s just an excuse to contact the person because you’re thinking of them, but it doesn’t necessarily warrant an entire conversation.  A sexting conversation can linger for 2 or 3 days.

Given the fact that she is now so “into you,” I can only assume you were “sexting,” (intentionally or unintentionally.)

(Sidebar: Men, you should probably know that when you are sexting a girl, she is sharing your texts with all her girlfriends.  Every “adorable comment” you make immediately gets forwarded, IM’ed, emailed, or discussed directly with her inner circle.  In fact, women spend about twenty minutes analyzing your text and then another twenty collaborating with friends on an appropriate response.)

You now have two issues:

1.) How to let Girl A know you’re not into her

2.) How to ask out Girl B

There are a couple of ways to handle this:

1. Ignore Girl A’s texts and cease communication.

Consequence: You look like a douche-bag who stopped “sexting” for no reason.  She will tell Girl B how this guy she’s been sexting was a jerk, and now neither girl wants anything to do with you.  Girl B wouldn’t take you up on your offer because it’s not only breaking the girl-code of dating someone their friend likes, but she already thinks you’re a jerk for ignoring her friend.

2. Be honest (to a degree,) with Girl A.  Tell her you think she’s really cool, but you don’t really “click,’ or that you think she’s really cute, but you don’t have “chemistry,” or some other generic let-down.

Consequence: Girl A will appreciate your honesty and will tell Girl B about it.  You come out looking like a good guy, but Girl B still may not go out with you due to the girl-code, as previously mentioned.

3.) The third option is a hybrid.  Take option 2 and put a spin on it.  Let her down easy, but then introduce her to someone who “she’ll totally click with.”  The key here is finding someone to pawn her off on who you actually think might be a good fit.

Consequence Result: Girl A not only appreciates the honesty, but now has a new hot prospect.  Because you were so cool AND because Girl A now has a new potential love-interest, Girl B is up for grabs.

If none of these options is appealing to you…well, then I suggest not leading girls on in the first place.  But hey…maybe I’m an idealist.



Remember: If you’d like to submit a question or funny story for the Mid-Week Meltdown, send an email to myvaginamonoblogs@gmail.com, with your name, age, gender, and a little something about yourself.  I try to answer all questions in a timely manner.