Tag Archives: match

The Comeback Kid…or…How MVM Got Her Groove Back

28 Feb

After a significant leave of absence from blogging about the perils of dating and the hilarity that ensues, MVM is making a comeback.

(Cue applause and cheering.)

To begin, let me answer the question I’ve been getting a lot over the past year or so – what happened to the blog?! To put it simply, it was a bit detrimental to my dating life.  I found myself writing blogs in my head before we’d finished the appetizers and going on dates for the purpose of blog fodder, but not much else.  In the few cases that something (or someone,) made it out of the Nickname stage, the writing was already on the walls… (pun intended.)

During my sabbatical, I did my fair share of dating – some of which was significant, some which was less than note-worthy, and some of which I’d plead the fifth about, if asked about in a court of law.

However, one update worth noting is that my single-girl days are a thing of the past – about 8 months past, to be exact. Having met a certain “Traveling Man” – story to come – last year, it’s unlikely you’ll see any (new) first-hand first-date stories from this monogamous blogger.

Now, now, don’t fret fair readers; just because I now get a standard “plus one” on my invites doesn’t mean that my outlook has changed.  I’m still the same biting social observer, here to bring you a unique spin on everything dating.  True to my former serial-dating self, (and conducive to the Traveling Man’s erratic cross-country work schedule,) I still manage to get myself into a healthy dose of trouble and a fair amount of surprising scenarios.

In the return of the blog, I’ll still be sharing experiences and anecdotes, doling out (sometimes harsh, sometimes hilarious,) advice, and in general, providing (what I hope to be) generally entertaining reading material for your mid-afternoon lull or the occasional “Case of the Mondays.”  There’s a whole world of material in a new relationship, and I’ve got enough single friends to inspire new content for years.

So keep your eye out each Monday, because as always, all is fair in love and blogging.

Walking The Walk…

19 Oct

Often times as I’m constructing a new entry for My Vagina Monoblogs, I think to myself…”You know self, you think you’re pretty high and mighty, don’t you?  Hiding behind your lap top, (I’m a PC, by the way, but open-minded enough to give Apple a shot, for anyone so inclined to present me with a MacBook to change my mind,) entertaining the masses with your cutting remarks and witty commentary.”  (As you can see, even when thinking to myself, I take modesty very seriously.)

As I pondered this thought, I decided that if I was going to “talk the talk,” I’d better “walk the walk.” But how?  How could I prove to my audience that I’m not just as bad as all the people I critique?  Who is to say that I’m the authority on relationships?  What makes me an expert in the world of online dating?  (Other than 7 years of experience, of course…)

After careful contemplation, I came to the obvious conclusion that I am NOT the authority, and likely don’t qualify as an expert in anyone’s eyes but my own, (and maybe a few 35-year-olds who can’t even get laid as a character in World of Warcraft.)  In fact, what I AM is kind of rude – mocking these innocent men, when all they’ve done is taken an interest in me.  They put themselves out there, and in turn, I put them on blast.  These poor, unknowing, blameless fellows…

Right.

Anyway, I do feel that if I’m going to ridicule people for their dating techniques, emails, and profiles, I should at least give my readers the opportunity to ridicule me for mine.  (Or praise me for it, if you’re so inspired…)  So, here it is, in all its glory – the “About Me and Who I’m Looking For” section of my match.com profile:

About Me and Who I’m Looking For

Things I’ve learned from match. com…
1.) Every man here:
a. thinks they are honest, intelligent and/or funny…
b. “hates drama”
c. “loves to travel”
2.) If you don’t have a picture posted…there’s a very good reason for it.
3.) Winking is kind of a cop out…it’s like getting a girl’s number and then texting instead of calling.

You shouldn’t send me a message if:
1.) Your profile has less than 3 full sentences.
2.) You don’t know the difference between their, there, and they’re.
3.) You don’t have any pictures posted…please see above.
4.) You don’t live within a reasonable distance. …Virginia is not reasonable, nor is India.

That being said…
I’m just all about enjoying myself and who I’m with.  I have the attention span of a 4-year old, so I’m always looking for new ways to entertain myself.  I can literally have fun anywhere – and I do. It’s not easy finding someone who can keep up.

I’m pretty much over the whole clubbing-it-three-nights-a-week scene, but I definitely still go out with my friends.  I’m anything but a home-body. I’m down for going out anywhere that I don’t have to scream to have a conversation: “HI! YOUR NAME IS WHAT? MOE? No? BEAU? Ohhh…JOE! HI, NICE TO MEE…WHAT?? YOU WANT TO FIND A SINK? …OH! BUY ME A DRINK?” …doesn’t really seem very efficient to me.  I do love to get all dressed up though, so I’ll take any excuse to do that.

I’m a pretty outspoken person and I don’t apologize for who I am, (not that I need to!)  I can be kind of (read: really) sarcastic and some might even say abrasive…personally, I’d say that I just call it like it is.

I laugh at myself A LOT.  I’m not a stress-case; I take things in stride.  I don’t really see the point in getting upset over the little things…and most times, not the big things either.

As far as who I want to date…well, everyone has a right to be picky.  I’m into guys who can have a great time anywhere they are.  Humor is a given, I like to be around people who can crack me up – and laugh at themselves in the process.  I can be a big goofball, so you’ll definitely need to be able to laugh with me and often times AT me.

I like confident people, who value themselves…because if YOU don’t, well then…why would I bother?  Intelligent conversation is generally a priority – as opposed to mindless banter.  Don’t get me wrong, I love banter, as long as there’s something a bit more substantial to back it up.  Most importantly, I like a guy with a great attitude about life. I’m a really positive person, (almost to a fault!) so I’m not into Negative Ned or Debbie Downer (and yea…I really just said that.)

Also, I am a traditionalist with men; over-sensitivity is NOT my style…I’m not into guys who cry more than I do.

I like a guy’s guy, who isn’t afraid to make the first move and doesn’t think chivalry is dead — not that I need someone to take care of me, but it’s nice to be with someone who wants to.

An active lifestyle is very important to me – I’m not saying I won’t date a guy without a 6-pack and a track record of 1st place marathon wins, but I am saying that I’m only interested in people who like to be active and enjoy being outdoors.

As far as “relationships” are concerned…I’m not a subscriber to the theory that I need someone to complete me…I’m quite complete actually.  And my ideal “match” is someone who feels the same way.

In any case, I’m not someone who jumps into “serious relationships;” I’m just looking to meet people who want to have fun and see what happens from there.

Wow, that was lengthy…if you finished, I’m impressed. (That’s what she said.)

So…there you have it.  This is my little way to show you that I’m willing to “walk the walk.”  I hope you agree that I present myself to potential matches just the same as I convey myself here…honestly.

Tact…Or A Lack Thereof

16 Oct

Occasionally (read: much too frequently,) I get match.com messages from men who I am not remotely attracted to in any way, shape or form.  While not every one of these men are altogether unattractive, per se; it’s just that I’m not attracted TO them.  However, some of them are…for the sake of diplomacy, let’s say “aesthetically unappealing.”

Now generally, I will simply ignore these messages completely.  Though this may sound rude, it actually allows them to save face, by affording the possibility that I may not have read the email at all.  (To clarify, you can create a Match profile for free, but you cannot access your inbox unless you are a paid subscriber.  Since there’s no way to tell who is a paying member and who’s just tooling around for free, unanswered messages can be a regular occurrence.)

That being said, I received a message recently from a match.com-er who can be most accurately described as a bald, slightly less attractive version of Phil Margera (father of Bam Margera – of Jackass fame,) seen here:

I’m illustrating his *ahem* “questionable” looks like not to wantonly make fun of him, but to set the scene for the following email chain between the ballsy Phil Margera Doppelganger (PMDG) and myself:

PMDG: LoL …. Wow! You should prepare yourself for being single… for quite a while…. LoL

Now…I’m pretty sure he’s being rude here, but I’m going to need some verification.

Me: I’m not sure if that’s a compliment or a put down.

PMDG: LoL …. re-read your profile babe!!! …. would/could you respond to your own profile? *YIKES* LoL

….

….

….sorry for the pause, I had to take a moment to pick my jaw up off the ground.

I’m not even going to start in with my “bad grammar is a pet peeve” speech, but I’m sure you’re cringing, just as I am, due to the nails-on-a-chalkboard combination of an over-used, clichéd acronym coupled with his sardonic reference to me using a pet name.  To insult me is one thing, but coming from the body double for a drunken sloppy Santa, and to have the gall to do so without being provoked, well that’s just mystifying.

 **If you’re wondering about my profile, and what I could have possibly written to warrant that reaction, check out this coming Monday’s blog; I’ll be sharing the content of it there.  For now, just know that I specifically indicate the type of person who I do NOT want to be contacted by.  Suffice it to say, Lieutenant Creeper was certainly on that list. **

Me: Funny…I seem to get plenty of responses to it, though I’m sure it doesn’t compare to the harem of women you attract.  You know, come to think of it, I suppose there is a reason that you don’t find it appealing.  My guess is that unless our communications could get you a surprise casting on To Catch a Predator, I’m not exactly your type.

Regardless, thanks for the random and uncalled for insult to my dating profile; without that, I might never have known that there really are people out there with such low caliber.  Your tact is impeccable

As you can imagine, I received no response.

Response Requested: An MVM Contest

8 Sep

When I logged into my Match.com inbox today, I immediately knew what to blog about.  Here is the message I woke up to:

Subject: (none)

Message: “hello how are u i like your pics lol nice”


Now, I know that I can sometimes be overly critical of these match.com-ers…but COME ON!  Where do I even begin here?

1. We ALL know how I feel about bad grammar, but this guy’s disregard for punctuation, capitalization, and general linguistic structure blows me away.

2. “LOL?” What are you laughing at?  My pictures? Is that a compliment?  I don’t understand.

3. Nice?  You’re nice? I’m nice? Who’s nice? WHAT is nice?  Certainly not your haphazard attempt at a pick-up line.

It’s not easy to render me speechless but I think this email nearly leaves me at a loss for words.

As opposed to ignoring the message altogether, I’d like to take suggestions on how to respond!   Comment on the blog with your ideas; I’ll choose one of your suggested responses and post the winning reply on Friday’s blog.

…This should be fun.


Remember: If you’d like to submit a question or funny story for the Mid-Week Meltdown, send an email to myvaginamonoblogs@gmail.com, with your name, age, gender, and a little something about yourself.  I try to answer all questions in a timely manner.

Mid-Week Meltdown: Which Site Is Right?

29 Jul

This week’s question comes to us from a 30-something single man, who is ready to dive into the world of online dating.

Dear MVM,

I’ve decided to (finally) join an online dating site.  There are so many different dating sites out there; just looking at the options makes my head spin!  I’m new to this online dating scene, so how do I know which site is right for me?

Sincerely,

Online Dating Rookie

Dear Rookie of the Year,

This is a fantastic question!  First of all, good for you for deciding to be proactive about your dating life.  Moreover, it’s impressive that you want to do a little research before you begin.  In my opinion, there are three basic levels of dating sites.  They are as follows:

1.) Craigslist’s “Casual Encounters,” Adult Friend Finder, Date Hookup, etc:

Let’s be honest – these types of sites are for the lonely and horny.  On some of them, you can literally place an ad that says “Looking to hook up tonight.”  If you want instant gratification, this is the site for you.  If you’re looking for a quality partner, steer clear.

Men’s view: I want to get laid.  This is the cheapest and easiest way to do it, and I’ll tell all my friends about it afterward.

Women’s view: I want to get laid.  This is the fastest way to make it happen – but I’ll never tell a soul that I actually used this site.

My view: You may as well call these sites: “iwannahavesexrightnow.com.”  I understand the concept behind it, but I personally couldn’t fathom using any of these sites.  To each their own, I suppose. Just remember to wrap it up people.

2.) Match, Plenty of Fish, Chemistry, Fitness Singles, etc:

These sites are used by (and blanket marketed towards,) the majority of singles.  From early 20’s to senior citizen’s, these sites have it all.  There are tons of these sites out there, some that are geared towards a specific niche, like Fitness Singles, and some that focus on certain types of relationships, like Sugar Daddies or Established Men.  The premise is always the same; you are “matched up” with people based on your profile.  In all reality though, you basically peruse pictures until you see someone you find attractive, check their stats to see if they fit your basic requirements – age, height, smoking preference, etc, and scan their profile to verify that they can write complete sentences.

Men’s view: I want to get laid. I might have to pay a small fee for the service, but it’s the same thing as buying drinks at the bar.

Women’s view: I want a screening tool for meeting men; I’m hoping to find my soulmate, but I’ll settle for a nice dinner.  I’m sick of meeting guys who can’t commit and if a guy is on a dating site, he MUST be interested in a relationship…

My view: These are the semi-serious sites.  Personally, I think it’s a great way to screen and meet single men.  I call these “lotsofdates.com,” but then again, I’ve never had a bad experience.

3.) EHarmony, Christian Dating Sites, etc

I tried EHarmony once, during a “Free Communication” weekend.  The premise here is that you take personality tests, and you actually get matched based on different levels of your personality.  (Crazy concept, I know!) You can’t just go looking through profiles – EHarmony has to match you based on your results.  The process is slow-moving; there are several required emails and sets of questions to be answered before you actually meet the person.

**I had one man tell me that women on EHarmony are “about 7 years older and 15 lbs heavier,” than women on Match…but I’ll make no comment on that matter.**

Men’s view: I want to get laid.  Yea, I wouldn’t mind a relationship, as long as getting laid is part of the deal.

Women’s view: This is serious.  I’m ready to not only be in a committed relationship, but my biological clock is a-ticking and I’m ready to pop out some babies.  If a man is on EHarmony, I’m assuming he’s ready to settle down.

My View: I call this site, “iwanttogetmarriedandmakebabies.com.”   ‘Nuff said.  I don’t have the patience for their matching process and I’m definitely not in an EHarmony state of mind.

**Sidebar: EHarmony also does not allow same sex matching.  Personally, I boycott them for this reason.  I’m not into discrimination, not to mention all the spiritual overtones of the site.**

So Rookie, there you have it.  No matter what site you choose, give it some time.  Many people try these sites for a month, have one bad experience and write off online dating altogether.  That’s akin to me saying that I had one bad experience meeting a guy in the library, so I’m swearing off libraries for all eternity.  To get the hang of the online dating thing, I’d say you need to give a good three months.

…Then again, a friend of mine recently joined an online dating site, met a guy within the first 2 weeks, and ended up canceling her membership not two weeks later, as the guy she met is basically a dreamboat.  Let’s remember though…stories like that are always the exception, not the rule.

Dating Sites Debunked,

MVM

Remember: If you’d like to submit a question or funny story for the Mid-Week Meltdown, send an email to myvaginamonoblogs@gmail.com, with your name, age, gender, and a little something about yourself.  I try to answer all questions in a timely manner.

Plenty of Fish in the Sea

15 Jun

People tell me all the time, “I just don’t like the idea of online dating.” Their reasons vary, but here are a few of the most common:

1.) I can’t tell from a picture if I’m attracted to someone or not.

2.) I can’t trust their profile – they could secretly be married or be some sort of serial killer!

3.) I don’t NEED to date online, I can meet people in real life.

Here are my responses to those “concerns:”

1.) You can’t? Really?  Then how are Maxim, Playboy, and Hustler still in business?

2.) You’re right, they could be lying.  And so could that guy you met 30 minutes ago while ordering a drink at the bar…and all the while you’ve been canoodling with him for the last 20.  If we factor in the fact that you’re also making character decisions when your judgment is probably impaired, the probability that you’re making good choices is significantly decreased.  (Coyote ugly much?)

3.) You’re absolutely right.  You don’t NEED to.  You also don’t NEED to wear makeup or stay in shape or try to appear charming – but all of those things are bettering your chances of exiting the land of “Singledom,” and you seem to be keen on that idea.  Why not increase your chances by expanding your audience?

The thing I love about Match is that it is an incredible screening tool.  For those of you who have never used match.com, let me give you a break down:  There’s an “About Me” section in which you answer some basic questions (physical appearance, likes, dislikes, etc,) and have the opportunity to write about who you are, what you like to do, your accomplishments, etc.  Then you do the same for the “Who I’m Looking For” section.  You can enter age ranges, physical attributes, and also share your thoughts on what you’d like your ideal “match” to be like.

Though people generally only write positive things about themselves, it still gives you the information you need to assess if this person meets your basic “requirements” (for lack of  a better term.)

Think of it like purchasing a new computer; you’ve got an idea of what you want – a lap top with a certain minimum processing speed, at least a 15″ screen, and you’ll need it to be compatible with your other electronic devices such as cell phone and web cam.  Would you go walking around an electronics superstore looking at every desktop, netbook, and laptop in the store?  No, you’d go directly to the section that has what you’re looking for.  In fact, if you were smart, you’d check out your options online before going into the store at all.

My point is there PLENTY of fish in the sea but only YOU decide how to go about “fishing.”  Relying on meeting people in bars, at work, or through friends is like sitting in the middle of the ocean with a fishing pole, just waiting for a bite.  Who knows what you’ll catch!  A big fin tuna (the successful, attractive, caring man,) a guppy (the over-sensitive man who cries at Kleenex commercials,) or even a barracuda (the asshole who you will undoubtedly fall for despite of all the obvious warning signs.)

Utilizing match.com or any other online dating service is like going to a fish market, with every possible type of fish, all organized in tidy little sections, with labels and nutrition information.

Personally, I’d rather make an informed decision about my seafood.  Wouldn’t you?

Peace and Good Luck

29 May

I feel compelled to share an embarrassing story with the world today.  Here goes:

A few months ago, I went on a match.com first date (shocking, I know.)  “The Lawyer” was a very attractive and witty guy, and we had a great repartee via email and on the phone.  In fact, our first phone call lasted over 45 minutes!  (For those of you who don’t know me, I often speak at the same rate as the Micro Machines spokesperson, so 45 minutes on the phone with me is equivalent to about 3 hours.)

Our date went really well – we had good chemistry, the conversation flowed freely, and it seemed that all systems were go.  When he dropped me off at my place and walked me to my door, there wasn’t really any kind of awkward moment.  (You know that moment.  The “I’m going in for a hug, but it might turn into a kiss, and I wouldn’t really mind if it turned into a kiss, but if he goes in for a hug too, then I don’t want him to know that I was hoping for more than a hug” moment.)

No awkward moment.  He planted one on me, and I literally felt my knees go weak.  It was an end-of-a-romantic-comedy style kiss.  It was a holy-crap-how-did-my-panties-end-up-around-my-ankles kiss.  It was an earth-mover.  You get the idea.  (Note: the panty comment wasn’t literal, don’t get any ideas.)

I went inside and he went home, and that was it.  I updated The Council (my core group of friends who comment and advise me on my dating debaucles,) the next day about the lip-lock and decided to let him initiate contact next.

And so I waited.

And wait I did.  6(ish) days later, I decided enough was enough, so I sent a text that said this:

“I’m kind of an awesome date…so this ‘not asking me out again’ business seems odd.”

His almost immediate response was this:

“You were an awesome date.  Peace and good luck.”

Um.  I’m sorry.  What? Was I missing sosmething?

a.) great conversation

b.) chemistry

c.) great kiss

Nope, that seems to be everything…

I took it to The Council  and they were just as boggled as I was.  In fact, the ONLY thing that was clear was his message.  Peace and good luck does not exactly scream, “Let’s elope in Vegas this weekend!”  And it definitely didn’t warrant a response.  So, I deleted his number and called it a day.

I guess you just can’t win them all.