Tag Archives: email

Walking The Walk…

19 Oct

Often times as I’m constructing a new entry for My Vagina Monoblogs, I think to myself…”You know self, you think you’re pretty high and mighty, don’t you?  Hiding behind your lap top, (I’m a PC, by the way, but open-minded enough to give Apple a shot, for anyone so inclined to present me with a MacBook to change my mind,) entertaining the masses with your cutting remarks and witty commentary.”  (As you can see, even when thinking to myself, I take modesty very seriously.)

As I pondered this thought, I decided that if I was going to “talk the talk,” I’d better “walk the walk.” But how?  How could I prove to my audience that I’m not just as bad as all the people I critique?  Who is to say that I’m the authority on relationships?  What makes me an expert in the world of online dating?  (Other than 7 years of experience, of course…)

After careful contemplation, I came to the obvious conclusion that I am NOT the authority, and likely don’t qualify as an expert in anyone’s eyes but my own, (and maybe a few 35-year-olds who can’t even get laid as a character in World of Warcraft.)  In fact, what I AM is kind of rude – mocking these innocent men, when all they’ve done is taken an interest in me.  They put themselves out there, and in turn, I put them on blast.  These poor, unknowing, blameless fellows…

Right.

Anyway, I do feel that if I’m going to ridicule people for their dating techniques, emails, and profiles, I should at least give my readers the opportunity to ridicule me for mine.  (Or praise me for it, if you’re so inspired…)  So, here it is, in all its glory – the “About Me and Who I’m Looking For” section of my match.com profile:

About Me and Who I’m Looking For

Things I’ve learned from match. com…
1.) Every man here:
a. thinks they are honest, intelligent and/or funny…
b. “hates drama”
c. “loves to travel”
2.) If you don’t have a picture posted…there’s a very good reason for it.
3.) Winking is kind of a cop out…it’s like getting a girl’s number and then texting instead of calling.

You shouldn’t send me a message if:
1.) Your profile has less than 3 full sentences.
2.) You don’t know the difference between their, there, and they’re.
3.) You don’t have any pictures posted…please see above.
4.) You don’t live within a reasonable distance. …Virginia is not reasonable, nor is India.

That being said…
I’m just all about enjoying myself and who I’m with.  I have the attention span of a 4-year old, so I’m always looking for new ways to entertain myself.  I can literally have fun anywhere – and I do. It’s not easy finding someone who can keep up.

I’m pretty much over the whole clubbing-it-three-nights-a-week scene, but I definitely still go out with my friends.  I’m anything but a home-body. I’m down for going out anywhere that I don’t have to scream to have a conversation: “HI! YOUR NAME IS WHAT? MOE? No? BEAU? Ohhh…JOE! HI, NICE TO MEE…WHAT?? YOU WANT TO FIND A SINK? …OH! BUY ME A DRINK?” …doesn’t really seem very efficient to me.  I do love to get all dressed up though, so I’ll take any excuse to do that.

I’m a pretty outspoken person and I don’t apologize for who I am, (not that I need to!)  I can be kind of (read: really) sarcastic and some might even say abrasive…personally, I’d say that I just call it like it is.

I laugh at myself A LOT.  I’m not a stress-case; I take things in stride.  I don’t really see the point in getting upset over the little things…and most times, not the big things either.

As far as who I want to date…well, everyone has a right to be picky.  I’m into guys who can have a great time anywhere they are.  Humor is a given, I like to be around people who can crack me up – and laugh at themselves in the process.  I can be a big goofball, so you’ll definitely need to be able to laugh with me and often times AT me.

I like confident people, who value themselves…because if YOU don’t, well then…why would I bother?  Intelligent conversation is generally a priority – as opposed to mindless banter.  Don’t get me wrong, I love banter, as long as there’s something a bit more substantial to back it up.  Most importantly, I like a guy with a great attitude about life. I’m a really positive person, (almost to a fault!) so I’m not into Negative Ned or Debbie Downer (and yea…I really just said that.)

Also, I am a traditionalist with men; over-sensitivity is NOT my style…I’m not into guys who cry more than I do.

I like a guy’s guy, who isn’t afraid to make the first move and doesn’t think chivalry is dead — not that I need someone to take care of me, but it’s nice to be with someone who wants to.

An active lifestyle is very important to me – I’m not saying I won’t date a guy without a 6-pack and a track record of 1st place marathon wins, but I am saying that I’m only interested in people who like to be active and enjoy being outdoors.

As far as “relationships” are concerned…I’m not a subscriber to the theory that I need someone to complete me…I’m quite complete actually.  And my ideal “match” is someone who feels the same way.

In any case, I’m not someone who jumps into “serious relationships;” I’m just looking to meet people who want to have fun and see what happens from there.

Wow, that was lengthy…if you finished, I’m impressed. (That’s what she said.)

So…there you have it.  This is my little way to show you that I’m willing to “walk the walk.”  I hope you agree that I present myself to potential matches just the same as I convey myself here…honestly.

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Tact…Or A Lack Thereof

16 Oct

Occasionally (read: much too frequently,) I get match.com messages from men who I am not remotely attracted to in any way, shape or form.  While not every one of these men are altogether unattractive, per se; it’s just that I’m not attracted TO them.  However, some of them are…for the sake of diplomacy, let’s say “aesthetically unappealing.”

Now generally, I will simply ignore these messages completely.  Though this may sound rude, it actually allows them to save face, by affording the possibility that I may not have read the email at all.  (To clarify, you can create a Match profile for free, but you cannot access your inbox unless you are a paid subscriber.  Since there’s no way to tell who is a paying member and who’s just tooling around for free, unanswered messages can be a regular occurrence.)

That being said, I received a message recently from a match.com-er who can be most accurately described as a bald, slightly less attractive version of Phil Margera (father of Bam Margera – of Jackass fame,) seen here:

I’m illustrating his *ahem* “questionable” looks like not to wantonly make fun of him, but to set the scene for the following email chain between the ballsy Phil Margera Doppelganger (PMDG) and myself:

PMDG: LoL …. Wow! You should prepare yourself for being single… for quite a while…. LoL

Now…I’m pretty sure he’s being rude here, but I’m going to need some verification.

Me: I’m not sure if that’s a compliment or a put down.

PMDG: LoL …. re-read your profile babe!!! …. would/could you respond to your own profile? *YIKES* LoL

….

….

….sorry for the pause, I had to take a moment to pick my jaw up off the ground.

I’m not even going to start in with my “bad grammar is a pet peeve” speech, but I’m sure you’re cringing, just as I am, due to the nails-on-a-chalkboard combination of an over-used, clichéd acronym coupled with his sardonic reference to me using a pet name.  To insult me is one thing, but coming from the body double for a drunken sloppy Santa, and to have the gall to do so without being provoked, well that’s just mystifying.

 **If you’re wondering about my profile, and what I could have possibly written to warrant that reaction, check out this coming Monday’s blog; I’ll be sharing the content of it there.  For now, just know that I specifically indicate the type of person who I do NOT want to be contacted by.  Suffice it to say, Lieutenant Creeper was certainly on that list. **

Me: Funny…I seem to get plenty of responses to it, though I’m sure it doesn’t compare to the harem of women you attract.  You know, come to think of it, I suppose there is a reason that you don’t find it appealing.  My guess is that unless our communications could get you a surprise casting on To Catch a Predator, I’m not exactly your type.

Regardless, thanks for the random and uncalled for insult to my dating profile; without that, I might never have known that there really are people out there with such low caliber.  Your tact is impeccable

As you can imagine, I received no response.

Response Requested: An MVM Contest

8 Sep

When I logged into my Match.com inbox today, I immediately knew what to blog about.  Here is the message I woke up to:

Subject: (none)

Message: “hello how are u i like your pics lol nice”


Now, I know that I can sometimes be overly critical of these match.com-ers…but COME ON!  Where do I even begin here?

1. We ALL know how I feel about bad grammar, but this guy’s disregard for punctuation, capitalization, and general linguistic structure blows me away.

2. “LOL?” What are you laughing at?  My pictures? Is that a compliment?  I don’t understand.

3. Nice?  You’re nice? I’m nice? Who’s nice? WHAT is nice?  Certainly not your haphazard attempt at a pick-up line.

It’s not easy to render me speechless but I think this email nearly leaves me at a loss for words.

As opposed to ignoring the message altogether, I’d like to take suggestions on how to respond!   Comment on the blog with your ideas; I’ll choose one of your suggested responses and post the winning reply on Friday’s blog.

…This should be fun.


Remember: If you’d like to submit a question or funny story for the Mid-Week Meltdown, send an email to myvaginamonoblogs@gmail.com, with your name, age, gender, and a little something about yourself.  I try to answer all questions in a timely manner.

Mid-Week Meltdown: Which Site Is Right?

29 Jul

This week’s question comes to us from a 30-something single man, who is ready to dive into the world of online dating.

Dear MVM,

I’ve decided to (finally) join an online dating site.  There are so many different dating sites out there; just looking at the options makes my head spin!  I’m new to this online dating scene, so how do I know which site is right for me?

Sincerely,

Online Dating Rookie

Dear Rookie of the Year,

This is a fantastic question!  First of all, good for you for deciding to be proactive about your dating life.  Moreover, it’s impressive that you want to do a little research before you begin.  In my opinion, there are three basic levels of dating sites.  They are as follows:

1.) Craigslist’s “Casual Encounters,” Adult Friend Finder, Date Hookup, etc:

Let’s be honest – these types of sites are for the lonely and horny.  On some of them, you can literally place an ad that says “Looking to hook up tonight.”  If you want instant gratification, this is the site for you.  If you’re looking for a quality partner, steer clear.

Men’s view: I want to get laid.  This is the cheapest and easiest way to do it, and I’ll tell all my friends about it afterward.

Women’s view: I want to get laid.  This is the fastest way to make it happen – but I’ll never tell a soul that I actually used this site.

My view: You may as well call these sites: “iwannahavesexrightnow.com.”  I understand the concept behind it, but I personally couldn’t fathom using any of these sites.  To each their own, I suppose. Just remember to wrap it up people.

2.) Match, Plenty of Fish, Chemistry, Fitness Singles, etc:

These sites are used by (and blanket marketed towards,) the majority of singles.  From early 20’s to senior citizen’s, these sites have it all.  There are tons of these sites out there, some that are geared towards a specific niche, like Fitness Singles, and some that focus on certain types of relationships, like Sugar Daddies or Established Men.  The premise is always the same; you are “matched up” with people based on your profile.  In all reality though, you basically peruse pictures until you see someone you find attractive, check their stats to see if they fit your basic requirements – age, height, smoking preference, etc, and scan their profile to verify that they can write complete sentences.

Men’s view: I want to get laid. I might have to pay a small fee for the service, but it’s the same thing as buying drinks at the bar.

Women’s view: I want a screening tool for meeting men; I’m hoping to find my soulmate, but I’ll settle for a nice dinner.  I’m sick of meeting guys who can’t commit and if a guy is on a dating site, he MUST be interested in a relationship…

My view: These are the semi-serious sites.  Personally, I think it’s a great way to screen and meet single men.  I call these “lotsofdates.com,” but then again, I’ve never had a bad experience.

3.) EHarmony, Christian Dating Sites, etc

I tried EHarmony once, during a “Free Communication” weekend.  The premise here is that you take personality tests, and you actually get matched based on different levels of your personality.  (Crazy concept, I know!) You can’t just go looking through profiles – EHarmony has to match you based on your results.  The process is slow-moving; there are several required emails and sets of questions to be answered before you actually meet the person.

**I had one man tell me that women on EHarmony are “about 7 years older and 15 lbs heavier,” than women on Match…but I’ll make no comment on that matter.**

Men’s view: I want to get laid.  Yea, I wouldn’t mind a relationship, as long as getting laid is part of the deal.

Women’s view: This is serious.  I’m ready to not only be in a committed relationship, but my biological clock is a-ticking and I’m ready to pop out some babies.  If a man is on EHarmony, I’m assuming he’s ready to settle down.

My View: I call this site, “iwanttogetmarriedandmakebabies.com.”   ‘Nuff said.  I don’t have the patience for their matching process and I’m definitely not in an EHarmony state of mind.

**Sidebar: EHarmony also does not allow same sex matching.  Personally, I boycott them for this reason.  I’m not into discrimination, not to mention all the spiritual overtones of the site.**

So Rookie, there you have it.  No matter what site you choose, give it some time.  Many people try these sites for a month, have one bad experience and write off online dating altogether.  That’s akin to me saying that I had one bad experience meeting a guy in the library, so I’m swearing off libraries for all eternity.  To get the hang of the online dating thing, I’d say you need to give a good three months.

…Then again, a friend of mine recently joined an online dating site, met a guy within the first 2 weeks, and ended up canceling her membership not two weeks later, as the guy she met is basically a dreamboat.  Let’s remember though…stories like that are always the exception, not the rule.

Dating Sites Debunked,

MVM

Remember: If you’d like to submit a question or funny story for the Mid-Week Meltdown, send an email to myvaginamonoblogs@gmail.com, with your name, age, gender, and a little something about yourself.  I try to answer all questions in a timely manner.

A Word of Advice

6 Jul

This weekend, I got an email on match.com that got under my skin a bit.  Being the quiet, reserved person that I am, I decided to let it go and simply not respond…

Right.

Here’s the email I received:

Subject Line: hey there…we look compatable   (and yes, it was spelled incorrectly, thank you for noticing.)

Message Body: “Hello . . . this is my first time emailing these ad’s, but I heard there are some really cool chicks here!

Well, a little about me; I am an outgoing person ( love to always be doing new things), very easy to talk to and a good listener. I am not phony! physically i am – 6ft, 185, clean cut hair/ clean too, no tattoos, and in shape! you should be = a cool laid back chick with no drama or negativity, reliable and direct personality, and age between 18-25. physically i am not looking for a model, just be normal body weight. i am not creepy, please be the same. looking forward to hearing from you soon 🙂

I just couldn’t resist…here is my response:

Subject Line: A word of advice

Message Body: Since that was your “first email,” let me give you a few tips:

1.) Read the person’s profile who you are emailing. If you had, you’d know that I do not fit into your 18-25 age range.
2.) Do not copy and paste the same email to more than one person. It’s very clear that you’re doing just that.
3.) This is not an ad in the paper, don’t write things like “me = this” and “you = that.” You sound like you’re looking for a roommate on Craigslist.
4.) Two words: Spell check.

That being said, we’re obviously not a good match. (I watch fake reality TV shows, which you’d know, had you read my profile.)

Good luck buddy.

(Sidebar: He says in his profile that he doesn’t like girls who “watch fake reality TV shows.”)

I know, I know – a little harsh.  But, hey, at least I gave the guy some pointers!

Remember: If you’d like to submit a question or funny story for the Mid-Week Meltdown, send an email to myvaginamonoblogs@gmail.com, with your name, age, gender, and a little something about yourself.  I try to answer all questions in a timely manner.

Match Message Madness

26 Jun

As you know from previous blogs, I really do love the concept of online dating – being able to screen and sort people before you decide to go out with them is a huge bonus.  Due to this screening process,  I can avoid having to meet people who I know I’m not into.  Of those men, there are always a few that absolutely blow me away.  Without further ado, I want to share a few of the lamest messages I’ve received on match.com recently.

1.) Subject Line: None

Body: “hey sweety how you doin?”

Now…I’m using quotations for a reason.  This is actually copied and pasted directly from his message.  No capitalization, no ‘g’ on the ‘doing.’  I don’t know if this guy thinks he’s Joey Tribbiani from Friends, but “how you doin'” just doesn’t go over so well via email.

ALSO, (and men, if you are reading this, please pay attention,) do not call me “sweety.”  Honestly.  You don’t know me – how do you know I’m sweet?  I’m actually pretty rude.  Moreover, are you my boyfriend?  Is it our 6-month anniversary?  Are we going to Prom?  Did you get me a corsage?  …No need for the pet names, thank you.

2.) Subject Line: “don’t worry not hitting on you”

Body: “just complimenting the run dmc shirt”  (Sidebar: in one of my pics, I’m wearing a Run DMC shirt – it’s hot.)

Again, no capitalization or punctuation.  Do people not understand the idea behind a “first impression?”

More importantly…why are you not hitting on me?  Obviously you like my style, so are you saying that my profile sucks?  Or is it just that you’re not attracted to me?  Or, are you actually hitting on me, but trying to do it on the sly?  On a positive note, if you’re trying to confuse me, you’ve succeeded.  Maybe I will write back and say, “Thank God you weren’t hitting on me.  That would be so awkward.”

3.) Subject Line: Well then…

Body: How about you give me your number so I can text you instead of call ya? Anyway, what makes you Middle-Eastern? Anyway, I don’t want your number but give me your email address.  (Sidebar: in my profile, I mention that texting vs calling is cop out, and under “ethnicity,” I‘ve chosen Middle-Eastern.)

Anyway, I don’t even know where to start on this one.  Anyway, he certainly likes the word anyway.

Ok, good into – I mean, he’s poking fun at my texting comment, which shows he actually read my profile.  That sentence aside, there’s just not any kind of logical flow to the message.  To be honest, I’m not really sure what “what makes you Middle-Eastern” means.  Also, it does seem slightly rude for him to say that he doesn’t even want my number…but then gets quite demanding about the email address.  Either way, I think I’ll write back with just one line:  “www.thesaurus.com.”

Come on guys…you can do better than this.

Remember: If you’d like to submit a question or funny story for the Mid-Week Meltdown, send an email to myvaginamonoblogs@gmail.com, with your name, age, gender, and a little something about yourself.  I try to answer all questions in a timely manner.

Efficiency

7 May

Last night, I had an impromptu date with Moto Man.  (I’m bound and determined to nip this baby talk thing in the bud.)

Since my dog had a little surgery that morning, I wanted to be around to take care of him, so Moto Man and I planned on a quick dinner and low key evening at my place.  As I was cleaning up the kitchen, thinking about how to broach the “wittle probwem,” I noticed that Moto Man had dozed off on my couch.  Hmm…odd.  Okay…well, I’m sure he’ll get up when I came back into the living room.

I finished up in the kitchen, and no…still snoozing on the couch.  ALRIGHT then…I’ll just take care of a few things that I didn’t get to earlier today.  I responded to a few emails, updated Facebook and Twitter…and as I sat directly in front of him – me on the floor, him on the couch – I thought…eh, why not?

So, I logged into Match.com and started looking through my unopened messages.  I took a peek behind me, and there he was, snoozing away.  I read through a few profiles, answered an awaiting message, and decided to close out before Sleeping Beauty woke from his slumber.

Now, I realize it was a bit furtive to surf Match.com while Moto Man was 3 feet away…but he’s the one who fell asleep…so really, who’s to blame here?  If he’d kept me entertained, I wouldn’t have felt the need to explore my future options.  I don’t see it as being deceptive or underhanded, so much as being efficient. **

For example, the previous day, I’d sent a double text (to two of the guys in rotation,) that read: “What are you up to tonight?”  This way, I not only hit two birds with one stone, but I was also able to look at my options without having to have two tedious conversations!  Both of them thought I took the time to touch base, AND I saved myself a good 20 minutes of conversation. That’s working smart if I’ve ever seen it.
Bottom line? If you’re going to do something well, you have to be efficient! (I was always taught that if you’re going to do something, don’t do it half-heartedly; be” in it to win it,” or don’t bother.  I try to apply this to every area of my life, dating included.

**Note:  I woke Moto Man up mid-snooze and told him maybe he should get home…to sleep in his own bed instead of on my couch.