Tag Archives: dinner

Mid-Week Meltdown: Double Standards

14 Oct

This week’s question comes to us from a 30-something woman wondering how to handle an awkward situation.

Dear MVM,

I’ve had quite a full plate lately, lining up two or three different dates in the same week.  Of course, I’ve been completely transparent and have made these men aware of my non-exclusivity.  Everything’s been going swimmingly until a recent run-in that caught me a bit off guard.

I went out with Date #1 early in the week, and we had an incredible time, just as we’d had the previous few times we’d been out.  He was charming, as was I, and things couldn’t have gone any better.  From the romantic dinner to the evening night cap, it was obvious we were both smitten.

Date #2 was the very next night, and we too had already been on several dates.  After dinner, we decided to walk to a neighboring pub for a drink; on the way, I spotted Date #1 walking down the street with another woman!  In an effort to avoid an uncomfortable situation, I quickly stepped out of his view.

As the evening continued, I couldn’t help but wonder about Date #1’s “mystery blonde.” Was he on a date?  Was he having “night caps” with her too?  Was he saying the same sweet things to her as he was saying to me?!

More importantly…do I have a right to know?  After all, I was on a date too.  Am I allowed to ask him about it or is that taboo?  Does this pang of jealousy mean that I want to be exclusive…or maybe just that I want him to be exclusively mine?

Help!

— Justifiably Jealous

Dear Jealous Jezebel,

Quite a pickle you’ve gotten yourself into…though I can’t say I haven’t been in a few of those myself.  I’m going to give it to you straight, as things seem to be a bit askew for you currently.

You said it yourself, and I’ll repeat it for you here: you were also on a date! You definitely can’t be upset with Date #1 for hitting the town with this mystery blonde who, by the way, you’re not even sure if he is dating.  What you have here, my dear, is a textbook case of hypocrisy.

If you looked up double standards in the dictionary, you may very well see a diagram of yourself standing in betwixt Dates #1 and #2.  I hate to break it to you sister, but this one’s an open and shut case.

You can probe for information if you want, but it will likely do more harm than good.  If you want exclusivity, then make your intentions clear, but know that this intention will also limit your own dating spectrum.

You can try to have your cake and eat it too…but I imagine all you’ll be left with is an empty plate and lingering guilt.

Happy to help,

MVM


Remember: If you’d like to submit a question or funny story for the Mid-Week Meltdown, send an email to myvaginamonoblogs@gmail.com, with your name, age, gender, and a little something about yourself.  I try to answer all questions in a timely manner.

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Babyface Said It Best

7 Aug

“When can I see you again?”

Possibly a woman’s favorite thing to hear from a man, other than “Did you lose weight?  You look incredible,” or “No, I don’t expect reciprocation…I’m a giver.”

At the end of a date, when a guy asks you that question, you have one thing that every person, man or woman, wants – confirmation. Confirmation that you are an attractive, desirable person.  Confirmation that you have impressed this date of yours so much that they are already thinking about your next rendezvous.  Confirmation that (like our mothers all taught us,) you left them wanting more.

But what about those times when the wrong person asks you the right question?    I went on a date this week with a new match.com-er who I really wanted to like.  I mean, we have so much in common that it almost seems silly NOT to be into him.  He is a total foodie, (which is why I’ve aptly named him Foodie Fellow,) who likes all the same things as me, has an adorable dog that I’m sure my dog would love, and has an east coast accent (which, if I haven’t mentioned before, I am TOTALLY into.  If you “pahk ya cah in Hahvahd yahd,” I’ll probably park something there too. …kidding…kind of.)  Regardless of the panty-dropping accent, mutual hobbies, and puppy love, I’m just not physically attracted to him.

While we’re on this topic, I want to clarify something for the masses.  Physical attraction doesn’t necessarily have to do with someone’s “attractiveness.”  I’ve got plenty of REALLY attractive guy friends, who I wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole, (even if they had a ten foot…nevermind.)  I also have been really attracted to guys who are not tradtionally handsome by any means – I’ll have to write a blog about “ugly sexy.”  The point is, physical chemistry is important, and if it’s not there, you can’t do anything about it.

At the end of the date with FF, he asked that cherished question, and I just didn’t know how to break it to him.  I told him I’d have to check my schedule, but odds are, it’s just not happening.

On a positive note, I did get to try an incredible restaurant that I’ve had my eye on for quite awhile.  Ahh, the silver lining…

Busted

8 Jul

We’re going to have to fore go the Mid-Week Meltdown this week because something much more pressing has come up.  We’ll resume our regularly scheduled programming next week, because you’ve GOT to hear about the catastrophic event that happened last night.

Let me begin by saying that I have a confession to make.  You may recall Motorcycle Man, from such blogs as “Mr Let’s Make This Happen,” “Motorcycle Man,” and “Nesting, It’s Not OK.” To sum up, I basically said that I planned to cut him out of the cycle, for several reasons.  …And, well…I tried, but just couldn’t pull the trigger.  Every time I tried, he’d do something sweet or get me in a lip lock that left me wanting more.  Long story short, he’s still in rotation.  In fact, I hadn’t been on any new first dates in a hot minute.  …Until this week.

Last night’s date was with The Professor (in case that’s not self-explanatory enough for you, he’s a college professor.)  We’ve been talking for a week or two and click on pretty much every level.  We “get” each other, so to speak, especially in the humor department.  In fact, for our date, I tested the waters a bit and asked him to a drag queen show, just to see if he could hang.  And readers…hang he did.  He not only willingly agreed to the drag show, but even actively participated!! (Any guy who put a dollar down a lady-man’s panties is a winner in my book.)

After two hours of glittery bustiers and uncomfortably attractive fishnets, we headed over to The Red Fox Room (a divey jazz piano bar that we both like,) for a drink or two.  We had a great time, talked about a random assortment of topics, and both agreed that we’d “just have to go out again, considering that we had absolutely nothing in common, and just can’t stand each others company.”  (Dripping with sarcasm? No, not at all.)

As we left the bar, I noticed two texts on my cell:

Moto Man: How’s the piano player?

Moto Man: She needs voice lessons.

I had no idea what he was talking about, so I texted back: What piano player needs voice lessons?! I put my phone away just as The Professor came back from the bathroom, and we headed back to my place.

I invited him up for a few minutes, (since he’d been drinking and had a 20 minute drive back to his place.)  He ended up hanging out for an hour or so, and before we knew it, it was 2:30 in the morning.  (Don’t get any ideas, it was mostly showing off my dog’s tricks and talking about Flight of The Conchords.)

After I walked him out, I checked my cell phone, only to find this unbelievable text awaiting my recognition:

Moto Man: Red Fox Room.  You looked right at me.

Busted.

Have you ever seen a cartoon where the character’s jaw literally drops to the ground?  If that was physically possible, that’s exactly what I’d have done.  For once, I was utterly speechless.  Maybe now I understand that line from Casablanca, “Of all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world, she walks into mine.”  Change that ‘she’ to a ‘he’ and it’s dead on.

While contemplating the reality of the situation, I realized there were a few things that made this situation particularly surprising.

1.) Moto Man lives 20 minutes south of my house.  This bar is less than a mile from my place.

2.) We almost didn’t go to The Red Fox Room – in fact, some of the “ladies” in the show invited us out with them, but we decided to pass at the last minute.

3.) It was a TUESDAY night.  I mean, really?  Tuesday at 11PM.  What are the odds?

4.) I honestly didn’t see him.  Did I really walk right past him and not notice??

Oh…and one more:

5.) It was a full moon.  (I’m not getting all sci-fi on you…but you have to admit…it’s a little weird.)

After my brief moments of shock, I decided to play it off and texted back with: I definitely didn’t see you.  Why didn’t you come over?

I thought to myself, maybe I can get away with this… It’s not like I was holding hands or flirting overtly with The Professor, right?  I mean, I could’ve just been out with a friend.

…It was only then that I realized I was texting him back at 2:45AM, after he’d seen my leave the bar with another guy, over an hour before then.

Busted.

In my defense, clear lines were never drawn.  Moto Man is quite aware of my aversion to relationships and commitment; I’m sure he had a hunch that I was seeing other people, though it was never discussed. I’ve come to my senses and realize that I’ll need to be honest with him; I’ve always told myself that if it ever came up, I would do so anyhow.

I guess we’ll see what happens, considering that I’ve got plans with Moto Man this evening…assuming they still stand.

Mid-Weeek Meltdown: Going Dutch

1 Jul
Today’s question comes to us from a 30-something women, frustrated with the dating scene:

Dear MVM,


Something struck a chord with me as I was browsing through the comments on your blog today. One of you gentleman (cough, cough) readers commented negatively on your deal breakers blog about women who expect him to pay. Why shouldn’t a man pay to be in the presence and good company of lady? I have a friend who heard this complaint on a first date, she married the fool and now she’s miserable. If a man asks me to go dutch, all bets are off and most women I know would agree. I understand when you reach relationship status there has to be an equal balance; cooking and doing nice things for him, etc. What is up with this new breed of man nowadays? Should I start meeting my dates at the library? Should I settle for a senior citizen who still has old-fashioned ways?

Sincerely,
Who’s right and who’s wrong

Dear No-Going-Dutch Duchess,


This is a tough question to answer, but I’ll happily give you MY opinion.  Personally, I’m into traditional male/female roles.  I’m not saying I want to be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen, but I like to be “taken care of,” so to speak.  When I get invited to dinner, I don’t EXPECT a man to pay – but I like the kind of man who WANTS to.  When the check comes, I will generally make an offer to pay, but gracefully accept if they choose not to let me.  In fact, when I’m pretty sure I’m dealing with the kind of man who will pick up the tab, I have used these exact words in our post-dinner conversation:

<The server drops off the bill at our table.>

Me: “Do you want to do that thing, where I say, ‘Here, let me pay for half,’ and then you say, ‘No, no, it’s okay,’ and then I say, ‘ No, really, I want to,’ and then you say, ‘No no, I’ll get it?’ Or can we skip all that?”


Granted, I’m a bit more aggressive than most women – but it usually gets a laugh and they end up paying the bill.

Now, for those of you who think I’m just using men for free dinners, let me also point out that I always make it a point to pay for something during the evening.  Whether it’s cocktails before or after dinner, dessert at another stop along the date, or an entrance fee into a club, I make it clear that I’m not a user.


More to your point Duchess, it’s definitely the older men who refuse to let me pay a dime.  Maybe it’s because they are more established, or maybe it’s just better manners; you’ll definitely see more chivalry with an older generation.

Again, I’m not saying I expect a man to pay on a first date.  Look at it from their perspective – they just met you, probably think you’re attractive and want to get to know you.  You may very well be interested in him, but he doesn’t know that for sure.  How many times have we, as women, cozied up to a man at a bar just to get a free drink?  (Don’t pretend like you’ve never done it…) We’ve got no intention of taking it any further than a Skyy and soda.  Of course men are jaded!  But can you blame them?

I can’t say that there’s a right or a wrong – but maybe your miserable married friend can.  My two cents?  If you, (like me,) prefer a man who WANTS to provide for a woman, then don’t settle for one who doesn’t.

Remember: If you’d like to submit a question or funny story for the Mid-Week Meltdown, send an email to myvaginamonoblogs@gmail.com, with your name, age, gender, and a little something about yourself.  I try to answer all questions in a timely manner.

Nesting…it’s not okay.

10 Jun

You know, women always get a bad rap for being the ones who get “attached” first in a relationship.  You’ve seen Wedding Crashers, I’m sure you recall the “Stage 5, Clinger.” Well, I’d like to speak out for women (not that this is different than any other day, mind you,) and say that men are equally guilty of the same crime.

As some of you may know, I’ve been seeing a lot of a certain someone recently, and have been skimping on first-dates.  (You can’t blame me; the man has a body like Zeus and wears a uniform to boot.  Ladies, you KNOW what they say about men in uniform…)

Anyhow, he’s been tip-toeing around the “inner circle” for awhile, and this weekend I let him slip in, (yes, I realize what that sounds like, let the “That’s What She Said” jokes rain down…) by meeting a few of my friends.  I even had a small dinner party Monday night that ended up being a bit of a double date.  Things went…okay, but I don’t think I’ll be letting him any further into my world… Let’s just say that he didn’t exactly “wow” anyone with his grace or charm.  (i.e. showing up with Hotel For Dogs as a movie pick and apparently being totally serious about watching it.)

Tuesday evening I spent some time tidying up the house and mulling over the idea of “phasing him out.”  As I was doing so, I ran across a canister of shaving cream.  …Men’s shaving cream.  Okay…I thought, that could have been an accident.  One little bottle of shaving cream.  No big deal.

I shook it off and was gathering laundry around my room when I noticed a T-shirt.  A man’s t-shirt.  Alright…maybe he was in a hurry when he left…

Then, as I moved into the living room, I saw his motorcycle helmet, and froze like a deer in headlights.  The extra helmet he generally keeps on his motorcycle for me (or whomever might be riding on the back of his bike,) was sitting on the end of the couch, staring me in the face.

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

After my momentary lapse in the space-time continuum, I realized that this meant the beginning of the end for us.  It was as if the helmet was saying, “It’s okay, I’m just here waiting for the next time he comes over…and the next time…and the next time…”  <Cue scary movie music.>

If the awkward dinner party didn’t seal the deal, this nesting business surely does.  That helmet in the corner was like the nail in the coffin.

Let’s have a little lesson about assumptions.

1.) Never assume that you are seeing someone exclusively.  If you haven’t had “the talk,” dating other people is still fair game.

2.) Never assume that you can leave personal items at someone’s house – you never know who they are expecting for dinner the next day.  (Please see point 1 if you are assuming it’s you.)

3.) Never assume.  Period.

I’m sure you’ve all seen the Assumption Breakdown before, but it’s always nice to have a reminder:

Never ASSUME.  It makes an ASS of U and ME.

It really is a shame though, he had so much potential…I wonder how many push-ups he could do with me sitting on his back.

(Yes, I realize what that sounds like, let the “That’s What She Said” jokes rain down…)

Settling Vs Settling Down

5 Jun

People ask me all the time, do you date because you want to find someone to settle down with, or do you date just to date?

I don’t think the answer to that can be as black-and-white as the question…

Do I like to date?  Yes. First dates are SO much fun!

1.) I get to try a new restaurant, or go back to an old favorite

2.) I get to talk about myself – and who doesn’t love talking about themselves?  (Come on, be honest.  It’s a proven fact that the two things people like hearing most in the world are 1.) Their own name and 2.) The sound of their own voice.)

3.) I not only get to meet someone new, but I get all the excitement, anticipation, and nerves that come along with a first date.  It’s like being on stage – there’s just no other feeling like it.

So, okay, I like dating more than most people.  But, am I OPPOSED to finding “the one?”  Not necessarily. However, am I desperately searching for him, clinging to anything that resembles a decent man? No.

I feel like SO many women are so eager to get married and have babies, that they will latch on to any man they can so they can live out this plan (aka fairytale,) that’s been ingrained in us since we were little girls.  “Girl meets boy, they fall in love, boy and girl get married, have babies, and the cycle repeats.”

Though what we are TRYING to do is “settle down,” a lot of times we just end up “settling.” The difference is gargantuan, yet each can be so easily mistaken for the other.  (It’s like eating a frozen pizza because you couldn’t wait for the delivery guy from that great Italian restaurant to show up with the real thing…they’ll both fill you up, but only one will leave you satisfied.)

I saw a PostSecret (if you’ve never seen PostSecret, check it out – http://postsecret.com) postcard yesterday that sums up my sentiment about “settling down.”  It said: “I fear that I will settle so I won’t be alone.”

What I’m trying to say is, contrary to popular belief, I’m not actually scared of commitment…I’m just scared of committing to the wrong person.  In other words, if I’m gonna eat pizza, I want a slice of thin crust New York style pizza with The Works.

Deal Breakers

27 May

Had yet another match.com first date last night.   We’ve been talking for weeks, but haven’t been able to get together due to conflicting schedules.  If I’m totally honest, I’d kind of already lost interest before the night had begun…having IM conversations for weeks made the whole event kind of anti-climactic for me.  So, to say that I was thrilled to finally meet him would be a stretch.  Nonetheless, we finally got the timing right and decided to go out for sushi.

As we chatted over dinner, we quickly realized we had a lot more in common than we originally thought.  More than just common interests, it turns out that our heritage, families, and upbringing were basically mirror images of each other.  We had a lot to talk about, and spent a good two hours just getting to know each other!

Still, with everything we had in common, I just didn’t feel that “spark.” With all our commonalities though, it seemed silly to never see him again, and I was already working out strategies on how to transition the night from dating into a friendship.

As we were leaving the restaurant and getting into his car, we had a conversation that for me, is a deal breaker, even if I HAD been super attracted to him:

Me: Weird, your car kind of smells like cigarette smoke.

Him: Oh, that’s because I smoke.

Me: Ohh….well, yea…that would make sense then.

Him: In fact, if you don’t mind…

<He starts to roll down his window and reach into his jacket>

Me: Actually, I DO mind.  In fact, if you could wait til you drop me off, I’d really appreciate it.  I really hate cigarette smoke.

Him: Oh. Ok.

Granted, there wasn’t really any physical cemistry anyway, but had there been, I’m still not down with Smokey The Bear.  Even if I’d been so hot and bothered that I wanted to rip my dress off during dinner and have him take me right there on the sushi bar, cigarettes will squelch that desire every time. I don’t think I’ll be seeing Smokey again, on anything more than a friendship level anyway.

That is what we call a deal-breaker.  In fact, I wanted to put together a short of list of personal deal-breakers that, for me, are non-negotiable:

1.) Smoking cigarettes – I don’t know how or why people got the idea that this was ever sexy or cool or anything other than repulsive, but seriously, get with the times.  Emphysema isn’t exactly topping my list of desirable traits.

2.) Bad grammar – I don’t care how handsome you are, how much money you have, or how big your…muscles…are, if you utter the word “ain’t,’ conversationally, you “ain’t” getting a second date.

3.) Anger issues – If you blow up in a traffic jam, yell at women and/or children, or have ever been referred to as an “angry drunk,” I’ll be out of there faster than the time it takes for your temper to rise in a crowded bar.

4.) Baby mama drama – Look, I don’t have an issue with you having children (well, I kind of do actually, but that’s a whole different blog.) I do however have an issue with your baby mama texting me at 3am with threats of tire slashing.

Now that I’ve shared some of MY personal deal-breakers…what are some of yours?