Mid-Week Meltdown: The Age of Innocence

26 Aug

This week’s question comes to us from a 20 something woman who gets carded to buy candy cigarettes.

Dear MVM,

I have been blessed with genetics that make me look years younger than my actual age. I love it, don’t get me wrong, and I realize that I’m going to look like I’m 30 by the time I’m 50, but with the good does comes the bad. I’m currently 27, but I look like I’m 19…23 at the most. Because of this, I attract all the 23 year old boys, or the 40-somethings who “like ’em young.” As a girl who’s ready to settle down, you can see my dilemma. How do I attract the upper 20’s – mid/lower 30’s crowd and let them know that I am, in fact 27, and not, ahem, 17?

Sincerely,

Child’s Play

Dear Young Blood,

Ahh…the “age old question”…sorry, couldn’t help myself.

Yes, you’re right – you are VERY lucky.  Most women would kill to look years younger than their actual age – you can thank those genetics for saving you thousands of dollars in plastic surgery down the road.  (Imagine if Joan Rivers had your “dilemma;” the world would have 15 more pounds of plastic and collagen to work with.)

I have a pretty simple theory about this, but you may not like the answer.  Yes, looking young can attract younger men…in the same way that looking slutty can attract dirty men and looking frumpy can attract NO men.  Though it may seem that your genetics (and several statutory rape laws,) are the reason you are attracting younger men, I think there’s a lot more to it.

Have you ever said to another person, “Wow, he/she doesn’t carry him/herself like a (fill in the age here)-old.  He/she is much more mature?” Or how about, “I’d never have guessed he/she was (fill in the age here,) he/she doesn’t act like that at all – he/she is so young at heart!”

Of course you have.  You may look like a 12 year old, but maybe you’re getting mistaken for a 17 year old because of the way you carry yourself.

Let’s start with the external – what kind of clothes are you wearing? Are you in t-shirts and shorts the majority of the time?  When you’re shopping, do you see a bunch of teenagers in the same store or department?  That might be a clue to change up your style.

What about your hair and makeup? Is your main style a pony tail?  Do you toss it up straight from the shower?  Is your makeup nonexistent?  Do you see girls who are ACTUALLY fifteen who have a better sense of style than you do?  I’m not saying you need to spackle your face with 3 inches of foundation, but picking up a blush brush and some eyeliner might just do the trick.

Who are you hanging out with? If the average age of the friends in your inner circle is below the legal drinking age, I think we’re starting to see a pattern.

Where are you hanging out? Look around at the clientele.  If you see video games or a large costumed mouse, and a “pizza bar,” it’s time to find a new watering hole.


Your genetics may play a role in your pattern of suitors, but you can affect that pattern by making a few simple changes.  The clothes you wear, the words you choose (you may note the fact that you call yourself  a “girl” in your initial question,) the way you carry yourself – all these things are factors in your “presentation.”  Stop blaming your “damned good looks,” and start attracting the crowd you want by acting the part of a person who attracts that crowd.

Forever Young,

MVM

Remember: If you’d like to submit a question or funny story for the Mid-Week Meltdown, send an email to myvaginamonoblogs@gmail.com, with your name, age, gender, and a little something about yourself.  I try to answer all questions in a timely manner.

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Men are like…

24 Aug

Men are like….shoes.

You can invest in a quality pair of sensible shoes and they will last you a lifetime.  They may not be the hippest pair around, but after you break them in, they’ll always be comfortable.  After a few years, they won’t be shiny and new, but they’ll still go with pretty much anything.

OR

You can get plenty of cheap stylish pairs.  They catch your eye in the store, and you can’t help but try them on.   They will look fantastic with your new outfit, but don’t match much else.  They can be a little uncomfortable and sometimes hurt you, but will make you feel fantastic when you’re out on the town.  After two or three wears, they will dull and possibly break.  They’ll go out of style quickly and you’ll be shopping again in no time.  You’ll always remember them fondly, and may even keep them in the back of your closet, in case they come back in style.  You know they were an impulse purchase, but you still feel it was money well spent; it was an addition to your collection, if nothing else.


Men are like…drinks.

You can get a fancy cocktail, full of sugar and juice.  It will make you happy immediately, maybe even light-headed; later on though, it will go straight to your hips. You might wake up the next day feeling guilty, but damn if it didn’t taste good going down…

OR

You can get a light beer, like Michelob Ultra.  It’s a smart choice; it will satisfy your thirst, but will leave you wanting more.  You’ll feel good about your decision, but would much rather indulge in something richer.


Men are like…cars.

You can drive an Italian sports car.  It will rev you up, make you look and feel sexy, and will always be able to keep up.  It’s not practical for your future, but you love to talk about it.  The sounds it makes get you hot and bothered and you love how other people stare.  You know it’ll lose its novelty eventually, and you probably won’t be able to afford the maintenance.

OR

You can drive a hybrid.  It’s quiet, sensible, and has financial benefits.  It’s a smart and safe choice, but you can’t help wondering what it would feel like to drive a big truck around once in awhile.

Remember: If you’d like to submit a question or funny story for the Mid-Week Meltdown, send an email to myvaginamonoblogs@gmail.com, with your name, age, gender, and a little something about yourself.  I try to answer all questions in a timely manner.

Mid-Week Meltdown: Location, location, location

19 Aug

This week’s question comes to us from a 30-something woman, who is looking for some new spots to meet a mate.

Dear MVM,

Besides match.com and other dating websites, what places do you recommend for meeting people of the opposite sex?

Signed,

Looking for love in all the wrong places


Dear Love Locator,

Unfortunately, there isn’t a Google Maps for Men or a Widget for Women’s Whereabouts – though with Google’s inventiveness, I don’t doubt it’s too far off.  Regardless, my answer for you is simple, albeit vague.  Where do you meet people of the opposite sex?  Everywhere.

Yes, there’s the obvious – bars, clubs, concerts, etc.  When we (men and women alike,) are out at a bar or club, we’re basically on the prowl.  We know that these types of places are prime grounds for meeting and mingling.  Thus, when we go to these places, our state of mind is such that we are not only on the lookout for potential mates, but pursuant about it.  However, we often overlook and/or underestimate all the other opportunities we have to meet potential dates on a daily basis.

Going to the grocery store to pick up some ground beef?  You might notice the beefcake perusing the frozen foods aisle. Headed to the gym for a mid-day cardio blast?  Take a look at the guy who’s blasting his pecs on the bench press. Walking your dog at the dog park?  Walk it on over to the hottie with the French Bulldog.  Catching some rays at the beach or a friend’s pool? That guy in the Ray-bans has got potential. Checking out a book at the library?  Check out the cougar in the Non-Fictions.

All puns aside, I think you’re picking up what I’m putting down.

It’s not so about about where we are, it’s all about our state of mind. There are single men and women literally everywhere you look; you just have to be open to meeting them.

Next time you’re about to run some hum-drum errands, give yourself a second glance in the mirror. Women – are you wearing your “lounging” pants and an old sweatshirt that is not only circa 1987, but does about as much for your figure as a potato sack? Men – are you wearing that T-shirt with a hole in the underarm and those shorts with the paint-stains? You wouldn’t be caught dead wearing that stuff on a date, so why would you let that be your first impression for the cute guy/girl ordering a latte at your favorite coffee shop?

The better you look, the more confident you’ll feel, and all it takes is a simple comment to get things started.  Such as….

That beefcake in frozen foods…wasn’t he getting personal-pan frozen pizza?  No girlfriend in that picture. “Tomato-basil huh?  I had an incredible slice at Bronx Pizza last week – have you been there?”

That lady at the library…wasn’t she checking out Chuck Norris’ autobiography?! “Did you know that Chuck Norris is suing MySpace for taking the name of what he calls everything around us?”

You get the idea.

Open your eyes and you’ll see a world of opportunity.  All you need is to be (physically and mentally) prepared to seize it.

It’s not about being in the right place at the right time, it’s about being in the right state of mind ALL the time.


Opportunity awaits,

MVM

Remember: If you’d like to submit a question or funny story for the Mid-Week Meltdown, send an email to myvaginamonoblogs@gmail.com, with your name, age, gender, and a little something about yourself.  I try to answer all questions in a timely manner.

Come Again?

17 Aug

As I’ve generally got a pretty consistent influx of match.com-ers as well as “IRL” (in-real-life,) men, there is a definite need for weeding people out, especially at an early stage.  Screening is an important tool in any woman’s (or man’s) artillery.  Sharpen your screening skills and you’ll never have to waste another perfectly good Tuesday night realizing that your time would have been better spent rearranging your sock drawer.

I had my first phone conversation with a new match.com-er last week, who ran himself straight into No-Date-Land without any help from me.  During our conversation, we talked briefly about our professions, our interests, and other “getting acquainted” topics.  As I was short on time, we agreed to finish the conversation the next day, and possibly set up a date.  (My exact words were, “Let’s talk tomorrow, you can take the night to think about how you want to ask me out.” Brazen, I know, but sometimes men need a little push in the right direction…)

The next day, we exchanged a few texts, and he asked me what exactly I did for a living.  It struck me as odd, because I THOUGHT we’d covered this yesterday.  I gave him the benefit of the doubt because I often confuse the conversations I have, due to the aforementioned influx of men.  We texted a bit more, and he then asked what company I worked for.  Now THIS I was 100% positive that we covered.  Annoyed, I wrote back,

“We’ve discussed this.  You are the Sales Director for an Application Life-cycle Management Software company. For a salesperson, you don’t have very good listening skills.”

Now, YES, I realize that was a bit rude…but come on guy.  We literally talked about this 12 hours ago.  I know you’re older than me by a few years, but is Alzheimer’s already kicking in?  Here’s the conversation that followed:

Forgetful Fred: Give a brother a break! PLEASE! 🙂 MUAH!

(Sidebar: Ew. Writing MUAH in a text to a girl you haven’t even met?  You’re obviously trying to “sext,’ but aren’t very good at it.)

Me: I only give out information once…so you’ll probably want to tune in.

Forgetful Fred: U wrote it down!  I was on my cell phone and driving! LOL!

Me: Yea, as you may recall, I was also driving.

A couple things to note:

1.) Writing “LOL” is one of BIGGEST pet peeves, unless you are literally laughing out loud.  I had mentioned this to him not 24 hours prior to this text conversation.

2.) Honestly, if you can’t bother to pay attention to my end of the conversation, not to mention a question that YOU asked ME, you could at least fake it.  The fact that he was inattentive in our conversation is not only rude, but a huge turn-off.

3.) You were on a cell phone? Really?  That’s so weird and uncommon.  I should totally give you some slack because you must be new to this whole multi-tasking thing.  Imagine…driving AND talking on the phone?!?  That’s such an impressive feat, I shouldn’t have expected you to remember my NAME, much less any detail of our conversation.  My my my, the fact that you can even operate a cellular telephone is remarkable.  What a catch you must be.

Obviously, I’ll not be going out with this guy.  Though I suppose it wouldn’t matter if I did, he’d likely forget it by morning.

Remember: If you’d like to submit a question or funny story for the Mid-Week Meltdown, send an email to myvaginamonoblogs@gmail.com, with your name, age, gender, and a little something about yourself.  I try to answer all questions in a timely manner.

Mediocre Man

14 Aug

A turkey sandwich on wheat, hold the mayo.  You can order it pretty much anywhere and it will generally be just what you expected.  Nothing special about it, but it does the trick.  It’s not exactly filet mignon, but it’s better than a TV Dinner.  It’s not the best sandwich in the world – there’s no avocado slices or Chipotle dressing; the bread is plain and the mustard is yellow.  It’s a typical weekday brown-bag lunch.  Will you have it again?  Probably.  If someone offered you a trade for roast beef on Rye, would you take it?  Probably.  Would you rather not eat at all?  Definitely not.

That’s what this new Match.com-er is to me.  Mediocre.

Mediocre Man and I grabbed a few glasses of wine and a cheese board at a local wine bar a few weeks ago.  That first date was…alright.  He was attractive, but not drop-dead gorgeous.  His was personable and could hold a good conversation, but I wasn’t hanging on his every word.  His stories were moderately entertaining and his jokes warranted a chuckle, but I wasn’t gasping for air between guffaws.  It wasn’t a bad date by any means, but it was nothing to write home about either.

When he asked to see me again, I found myself saying, “okay, why not?”  Much the same as a friend asking if I’d like to go to Subway for lunch.  “Okay, why not?”  I need to eat, right?

Our second date was…just about the same.  We did the customary dinner and a movie,  the universal standard for average dates, but I can’t say I was surprised by the irony.  We ate Thai food, and I can honestly say my Spicy Chicken Gaprow was more memorable than the conversation.  Again, it wasn’t bad or even boring; it was just fine.  Just.  Fine.

He scored points for the kiss.  On a scale from 1 – 10, I’d rate it a 7.  Slightly better than average.  (It was the Pepper Jack Cheese on my turkey sandwich.)

After the second date, I debated whether or not to see him again.  I don’t know if mediocrity is something I’m okay with.  I don’t think I could eat a turkey sandwich everyday.  But, when he asked me for a tennis date this weekend, I accepted.  I love playing tennis and I can always use the practice….and maybe this time, he’ll bring the spicy mustard.

Maybe today’s blog wasn’t nearly as exciting or entertaining as if I’d been on a date with a guy who had Turrets Syndrome or an anger management issue.  Maybe not everything in life is supposed to have PIZZAZZ!  Maybe we need mediocrity to appreciate uniqueness.

So what did I learn from Mediocre Man?  I’ll take the ups and downs of dating and the risks and rewards of being atypical any day.  I guess “drama’ isn’t as overrated as people say.

Remember: If you’d like to submit a question or funny story for the Mid-Week Meltdown, send an email to myvaginamonoblogs@gmail.com, with your name, age, gender, and a little something about yourself.  I try to answer all questions in a timely manner.

Mid-Week Meltdown: Textaholics Anonymous

12 Aug

Our question this week comes from a man in his early thirties, who is wondering how to deal with a sticky situation he’s gotten himself info.

Dear MVM,

I met a girl recently, who is really very cool, but I’m just not into her. Because she is so cool, I got her number, we’ve been texting a LOT, and have hung out with mutual friends since then, but I think I gave her the wrong impression.  In fact, I know I did, and it seems like she is really into me.  The problem is, I want to take her friend on a date.  Is it rude for me to ask her friend out since I may have been (accidentally,) leading her on?

Thanks,

Serial Texter


Dear Texting Terror,

First of all, there is a difference between “texting” and “sexting.”

Texting: Quick notes back and forth to convey information in a manner that is more convenient than calling and having a conversation.

Sexting: Flirtatious, witty comments, often times adorned with emoticons, such as the “winky face” 😉 and the “big smile face” :-D.  Sexting is not about conveying information, it’s just an excuse to contact the person because you’re thinking of them, but it doesn’t necessarily warrant an entire conversation.  A sexting conversation can linger for 2 or 3 days.

Given the fact that she is now so “into you,” I can only assume you were “sexting,” (intentionally or unintentionally.)

(Sidebar: Men, you should probably know that when you are sexting a girl, she is sharing your texts with all her girlfriends.  Every “adorable comment” you make immediately gets forwarded, IM’ed, emailed, or discussed directly with her inner circle.  In fact, women spend about twenty minutes analyzing your text and then another twenty collaborating with friends on an appropriate response.)

You now have two issues:

1.) How to let Girl A know you’re not into her

2.) How to ask out Girl B

There are a couple of ways to handle this:

1. Ignore Girl A’s texts and cease communication.

Consequence: You look like a douche-bag who stopped “sexting” for no reason.  She will tell Girl B how this guy she’s been sexting was a jerk, and now neither girl wants anything to do with you.  Girl B wouldn’t take you up on your offer because it’s not only breaking the girl-code of dating someone their friend likes, but she already thinks you’re a jerk for ignoring her friend.

2. Be honest (to a degree,) with Girl A.  Tell her you think she’s really cool, but you don’t really “click,’ or that you think she’s really cute, but you don’t have “chemistry,” or some other generic let-down.

Consequence: Girl A will appreciate your honesty and will tell Girl B about it.  You come out looking like a good guy, but Girl B still may not go out with you due to the girl-code, as previously mentioned.

3.) The third option is a hybrid.  Take option 2 and put a spin on it.  Let her down easy, but then introduce her to someone who “she’ll totally click with.”  The key here is finding someone to pawn her off on who you actually think might be a good fit.

Consequence Result: Girl A not only appreciates the honesty, but now has a new hot prospect.  Because you were so cool AND because Girl A now has a new potential love-interest, Girl B is up for grabs.

If none of these options is appealing to you…well, then I suggest not leading girls on in the first place.  But hey…maybe I’m an idealist.

Sincerely,

MVM

Remember: If you’d like to submit a question or funny story for the Mid-Week Meltdown, send an email to myvaginamonoblogs@gmail.com, with your name, age, gender, and a little something about yourself.  I try to answer all questions in a timely manner.

Babyface Said It Best

7 Aug

“When can I see you again?”

Possibly a woman’s favorite thing to hear from a man, other than “Did you lose weight?  You look incredible,” or “No, I don’t expect reciprocation…I’m a giver.”

At the end of a date, when a guy asks you that question, you have one thing that every person, man or woman, wants – confirmation. Confirmation that you are an attractive, desirable person.  Confirmation that you have impressed this date of yours so much that they are already thinking about your next rendezvous.  Confirmation that (like our mothers all taught us,) you left them wanting more.

But what about those times when the wrong person asks you the right question?    I went on a date this week with a new match.com-er who I really wanted to like.  I mean, we have so much in common that it almost seems silly NOT to be into him.  He is a total foodie, (which is why I’ve aptly named him Foodie Fellow,) who likes all the same things as me, has an adorable dog that I’m sure my dog would love, and has an east coast accent (which, if I haven’t mentioned before, I am TOTALLY into.  If you “pahk ya cah in Hahvahd yahd,” I’ll probably park something there too. …kidding…kind of.)  Regardless of the panty-dropping accent, mutual hobbies, and puppy love, I’m just not physically attracted to him.

While we’re on this topic, I want to clarify something for the masses.  Physical attraction doesn’t necessarily have to do with someone’s “attractiveness.”  I’ve got plenty of REALLY attractive guy friends, who I wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole, (even if they had a ten foot…nevermind.)  I also have been really attracted to guys who are not tradtionally handsome by any means – I’ll have to write a blog about “ugly sexy.”  The point is, physical chemistry is important, and if it’s not there, you can’t do anything about it.

At the end of the date with FF, he asked that cherished question, and I just didn’t know how to break it to him.  I told him I’d have to check my schedule, but odds are, it’s just not happening.

On a positive note, I did get to try an incredible restaurant that I’ve had my eye on for quite awhile.  Ahh, the silver lining…