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Walking The Walk…

19 Oct

Often times as I’m constructing a new entry for My Vagina Monoblogs, I think to myself…”You know self, you think you’re pretty high and mighty, don’t you?  Hiding behind your lap top, (I’m a PC, by the way, but open-minded enough to give Apple a shot, for anyone so inclined to present me with a MacBook to change my mind,) entertaining the masses with your cutting remarks and witty commentary.”  (As you can see, even when thinking to myself, I take modesty very seriously.)

As I pondered this thought, I decided that if I was going to “talk the talk,” I’d better “walk the walk.” But how?  How could I prove to my audience that I’m not just as bad as all the people I critique?  Who is to say that I’m the authority on relationships?  What makes me an expert in the world of online dating?  (Other than 7 years of experience, of course…)

After careful contemplation, I came to the obvious conclusion that I am NOT the authority, and likely don’t qualify as an expert in anyone’s eyes but my own, (and maybe a few 35-year-olds who can’t even get laid as a character in World of Warcraft.)  In fact, what I AM is kind of rude – mocking these innocent men, when all they’ve done is taken an interest in me.  They put themselves out there, and in turn, I put them on blast.  These poor, unknowing, blameless fellows…

Right.

Anyway, I do feel that if I’m going to ridicule people for their dating techniques, emails, and profiles, I should at least give my readers the opportunity to ridicule me for mine.  (Or praise me for it, if you’re so inspired…)  So, here it is, in all its glory – the “About Me and Who I’m Looking For” section of my match.com profile:

About Me and Who I’m Looking For

Things I’ve learned from match. com…
1.) Every man here:
a. thinks they are honest, intelligent and/or funny…
b. “hates drama”
c. “loves to travel”
2.) If you don’t have a picture posted…there’s a very good reason for it.
3.) Winking is kind of a cop out…it’s like getting a girl’s number and then texting instead of calling.

You shouldn’t send me a message if:
1.) Your profile has less than 3 full sentences.
2.) You don’t know the difference between their, there, and they’re.
3.) You don’t have any pictures posted…please see above.
4.) You don’t live within a reasonable distance. …Virginia is not reasonable, nor is India.

That being said…
I’m just all about enjoying myself and who I’m with.  I have the attention span of a 4-year old, so I’m always looking for new ways to entertain myself.  I can literally have fun anywhere – and I do. It’s not easy finding someone who can keep up.

I’m pretty much over the whole clubbing-it-three-nights-a-week scene, but I definitely still go out with my friends.  I’m anything but a home-body. I’m down for going out anywhere that I don’t have to scream to have a conversation: “HI! YOUR NAME IS WHAT? MOE? No? BEAU? Ohhh…JOE! HI, NICE TO MEE…WHAT?? YOU WANT TO FIND A SINK? …OH! BUY ME A DRINK?” …doesn’t really seem very efficient to me.  I do love to get all dressed up though, so I’ll take any excuse to do that.

I’m a pretty outspoken person and I don’t apologize for who I am, (not that I need to!)  I can be kind of (read: really) sarcastic and some might even say abrasive…personally, I’d say that I just call it like it is.

I laugh at myself A LOT.  I’m not a stress-case; I take things in stride.  I don’t really see the point in getting upset over the little things…and most times, not the big things either.

As far as who I want to date…well, everyone has a right to be picky.  I’m into guys who can have a great time anywhere they are.  Humor is a given, I like to be around people who can crack me up – and laugh at themselves in the process.  I can be a big goofball, so you’ll definitely need to be able to laugh with me and often times AT me.

I like confident people, who value themselves…because if YOU don’t, well then…why would I bother?  Intelligent conversation is generally a priority – as opposed to mindless banter.  Don’t get me wrong, I love banter, as long as there’s something a bit more substantial to back it up.  Most importantly, I like a guy with a great attitude about life. I’m a really positive person, (almost to a fault!) so I’m not into Negative Ned or Debbie Downer (and yea…I really just said that.)

Also, I am a traditionalist with men; over-sensitivity is NOT my style…I’m not into guys who cry more than I do.

I like a guy’s guy, who isn’t afraid to make the first move and doesn’t think chivalry is dead — not that I need someone to take care of me, but it’s nice to be with someone who wants to.

An active lifestyle is very important to me – I’m not saying I won’t date a guy without a 6-pack and a track record of 1st place marathon wins, but I am saying that I’m only interested in people who like to be active and enjoy being outdoors.

As far as “relationships” are concerned…I’m not a subscriber to the theory that I need someone to complete me…I’m quite complete actually.  And my ideal “match” is someone who feels the same way.

In any case, I’m not someone who jumps into “serious relationships;” I’m just looking to meet people who want to have fun and see what happens from there.

Wow, that was lengthy…if you finished, I’m impressed. (That’s what she said.)

So…there you have it.  This is my little way to show you that I’m willing to “walk the walk.”  I hope you agree that I present myself to potential matches just the same as I convey myself here…honestly.

Mid-Week Meltdown: The Age of Innocence

26 Aug

This week’s question comes to us from a 20 something woman who gets carded to buy candy cigarettes.

Dear MVM,

I have been blessed with genetics that make me look years younger than my actual age. I love it, don’t get me wrong, and I realize that I’m going to look like I’m 30 by the time I’m 50, but with the good does comes the bad. I’m currently 27, but I look like I’m 19…23 at the most. Because of this, I attract all the 23 year old boys, or the 40-somethings who “like ’em young.” As a girl who’s ready to settle down, you can see my dilemma. How do I attract the upper 20’s – mid/lower 30’s crowd and let them know that I am, in fact 27, and not, ahem, 17?

Sincerely,

Child’s Play

Dear Young Blood,

Ahh…the “age old question”…sorry, couldn’t help myself.

Yes, you’re right – you are VERY lucky.  Most women would kill to look years younger than their actual age – you can thank those genetics for saving you thousands of dollars in plastic surgery down the road.  (Imagine if Joan Rivers had your “dilemma;” the world would have 15 more pounds of plastic and collagen to work with.)

I have a pretty simple theory about this, but you may not like the answer.  Yes, looking young can attract younger men…in the same way that looking slutty can attract dirty men and looking frumpy can attract NO men.  Though it may seem that your genetics (and several statutory rape laws,) are the reason you are attracting younger men, I think there’s a lot more to it.

Have you ever said to another person, “Wow, he/she doesn’t carry him/herself like a (fill in the age here)-old.  He/she is much more mature?” Or how about, “I’d never have guessed he/she was (fill in the age here,) he/she doesn’t act like that at all – he/she is so young at heart!”

Of course you have.  You may look like a 12 year old, but maybe you’re getting mistaken for a 17 year old because of the way you carry yourself.

Let’s start with the external – what kind of clothes are you wearing? Are you in t-shirts and shorts the majority of the time?  When you’re shopping, do you see a bunch of teenagers in the same store or department?  That might be a clue to change up your style.

What about your hair and makeup? Is your main style a pony tail?  Do you toss it up straight from the shower?  Is your makeup nonexistent?  Do you see girls who are ACTUALLY fifteen who have a better sense of style than you do?  I’m not saying you need to spackle your face with 3 inches of foundation, but picking up a blush brush and some eyeliner might just do the trick.

Who are you hanging out with? If the average age of the friends in your inner circle is below the legal drinking age, I think we’re starting to see a pattern.

Where are you hanging out? Look around at the clientele.  If you see video games or a large costumed mouse, and a “pizza bar,” it’s time to find a new watering hole.


Your genetics may play a role in your pattern of suitors, but you can affect that pattern by making a few simple changes.  The clothes you wear, the words you choose (you may note the fact that you call yourself  a “girl” in your initial question,) the way you carry yourself – all these things are factors in your “presentation.”  Stop blaming your “damned good looks,” and start attracting the crowd you want by acting the part of a person who attracts that crowd.

Forever Young,

MVM

Remember: If you’d like to submit a question or funny story for the Mid-Week Meltdown, send an email to myvaginamonoblogs@gmail.com, with your name, age, gender, and a little something about yourself.  I try to answer all questions in a timely manner.

Men are like…

24 Aug

Men are like….shoes.

You can invest in a quality pair of sensible shoes and they will last you a lifetime.  They may not be the hippest pair around, but after you break them in, they’ll always be comfortable.  After a few years, they won’t be shiny and new, but they’ll still go with pretty much anything.

OR

You can get plenty of cheap stylish pairs.  They catch your eye in the store, and you can’t help but try them on.   They will look fantastic with your new outfit, but don’t match much else.  They can be a little uncomfortable and sometimes hurt you, but will make you feel fantastic when you’re out on the town.  After two or three wears, they will dull and possibly break.  They’ll go out of style quickly and you’ll be shopping again in no time.  You’ll always remember them fondly, and may even keep them in the back of your closet, in case they come back in style.  You know they were an impulse purchase, but you still feel it was money well spent; it was an addition to your collection, if nothing else.


Men are like…drinks.

You can get a fancy cocktail, full of sugar and juice.  It will make you happy immediately, maybe even light-headed; later on though, it will go straight to your hips. You might wake up the next day feeling guilty, but damn if it didn’t taste good going down…

OR

You can get a light beer, like Michelob Ultra.  It’s a smart choice; it will satisfy your thirst, but will leave you wanting more.  You’ll feel good about your decision, but would much rather indulge in something richer.


Men are like…cars.

You can drive an Italian sports car.  It will rev you up, make you look and feel sexy, and will always be able to keep up.  It’s not practical for your future, but you love to talk about it.  The sounds it makes get you hot and bothered and you love how other people stare.  You know it’ll lose its novelty eventually, and you probably won’t be able to afford the maintenance.

OR

You can drive a hybrid.  It’s quiet, sensible, and has financial benefits.  It’s a smart and safe choice, but you can’t help wondering what it would feel like to drive a big truck around once in awhile.

Remember: If you’d like to submit a question or funny story for the Mid-Week Meltdown, send an email to myvaginamonoblogs@gmail.com, with your name, age, gender, and a little something about yourself.  I try to answer all questions in a timely manner.

Mid-Week Meltdown: Which Site Is Right?

29 Jul

This week’s question comes to us from a 30-something single man, who is ready to dive into the world of online dating.

Dear MVM,

I’ve decided to (finally) join an online dating site.  There are so many different dating sites out there; just looking at the options makes my head spin!  I’m new to this online dating scene, so how do I know which site is right for me?

Sincerely,

Online Dating Rookie

Dear Rookie of the Year,

This is a fantastic question!  First of all, good for you for deciding to be proactive about your dating life.  Moreover, it’s impressive that you want to do a little research before you begin.  In my opinion, there are three basic levels of dating sites.  They are as follows:

1.) Craigslist’s “Casual Encounters,” Adult Friend Finder, Date Hookup, etc:

Let’s be honest – these types of sites are for the lonely and horny.  On some of them, you can literally place an ad that says “Looking to hook up tonight.”  If you want instant gratification, this is the site for you.  If you’re looking for a quality partner, steer clear.

Men’s view: I want to get laid.  This is the cheapest and easiest way to do it, and I’ll tell all my friends about it afterward.

Women’s view: I want to get laid.  This is the fastest way to make it happen – but I’ll never tell a soul that I actually used this site.

My view: You may as well call these sites: “iwannahavesexrightnow.com.”  I understand the concept behind it, but I personally couldn’t fathom using any of these sites.  To each their own, I suppose. Just remember to wrap it up people.

2.) Match, Plenty of Fish, Chemistry, Fitness Singles, etc:

These sites are used by (and blanket marketed towards,) the majority of singles.  From early 20’s to senior citizen’s, these sites have it all.  There are tons of these sites out there, some that are geared towards a specific niche, like Fitness Singles, and some that focus on certain types of relationships, like Sugar Daddies or Established Men.  The premise is always the same; you are “matched up” with people based on your profile.  In all reality though, you basically peruse pictures until you see someone you find attractive, check their stats to see if they fit your basic requirements – age, height, smoking preference, etc, and scan their profile to verify that they can write complete sentences.

Men’s view: I want to get laid. I might have to pay a small fee for the service, but it’s the same thing as buying drinks at the bar.

Women’s view: I want a screening tool for meeting men; I’m hoping to find my soulmate, but I’ll settle for a nice dinner.  I’m sick of meeting guys who can’t commit and if a guy is on a dating site, he MUST be interested in a relationship…

My view: These are the semi-serious sites.  Personally, I think it’s a great way to screen and meet single men.  I call these “lotsofdates.com,” but then again, I’ve never had a bad experience.

3.) EHarmony, Christian Dating Sites, etc

I tried EHarmony once, during a “Free Communication” weekend.  The premise here is that you take personality tests, and you actually get matched based on different levels of your personality.  (Crazy concept, I know!) You can’t just go looking through profiles – EHarmony has to match you based on your results.  The process is slow-moving; there are several required emails and sets of questions to be answered before you actually meet the person.

**I had one man tell me that women on EHarmony are “about 7 years older and 15 lbs heavier,” than women on Match…but I’ll make no comment on that matter.**

Men’s view: I want to get laid.  Yea, I wouldn’t mind a relationship, as long as getting laid is part of the deal.

Women’s view: This is serious.  I’m ready to not only be in a committed relationship, but my biological clock is a-ticking and I’m ready to pop out some babies.  If a man is on EHarmony, I’m assuming he’s ready to settle down.

My View: I call this site, “iwanttogetmarriedandmakebabies.com.”   ‘Nuff said.  I don’t have the patience for their matching process and I’m definitely not in an EHarmony state of mind.

**Sidebar: EHarmony also does not allow same sex matching.  Personally, I boycott them for this reason.  I’m not into discrimination, not to mention all the spiritual overtones of the site.**

So Rookie, there you have it.  No matter what site you choose, give it some time.  Many people try these sites for a month, have one bad experience and write off online dating altogether.  That’s akin to me saying that I had one bad experience meeting a guy in the library, so I’m swearing off libraries for all eternity.  To get the hang of the online dating thing, I’d say you need to give a good three months.

…Then again, a friend of mine recently joined an online dating site, met a guy within the first 2 weeks, and ended up canceling her membership not two weeks later, as the guy she met is basically a dreamboat.  Let’s remember though…stories like that are always the exception, not the rule.

Dating Sites Debunked,

MVM

Remember: If you’d like to submit a question or funny story for the Mid-Week Meltdown, send an email to myvaginamonoblogs@gmail.com, with your name, age, gender, and a little something about yourself.  I try to answer all questions in a timely manner.

Fishing In The Company Pond

27 Jul

There are plenty of fish in the sea; we’ve covered that before.  Today I want to talk about some amateur fishing I did this weekend, but let’s first talk about our different fishing locales, the terminology we’ll use, and what those terms mean.

1.) The sea: all the men/women in the whole wide world.

2.) Overseas: men/women who literally live across a sea.  If you’re in the US, this could be Asia, Europe, Australia, etc.  Fishing overseas is fun, but be sure to catch and release, or you might end up swimming across the ocean just to find out you’re not into salt water after all.

3.) A lake: men/women who live in your general vicinity.  Southern California, for example, is my lake.  These “fish” are close enough that you can have a relationship of convenience with them, but not so close that you’ll have to see them on a daily basis.  Fishing in your lake is ideal – you can dock your boat now and then, but there are fresh fish everywhere you go.

4.) A river: men/women who are not here to stay.  These “fish” might be vacationing in your lake, or in town for business at your pond.  They may come and go occasionally, but the likelihood is that they’ll leave with the current.

5.) A pond: men/women who you see (voluntarily or otherwise,) on a weekly, if not daily, basis.  The most common type of pond is the “company pond,” but can also refer to groups of friends (though this can sometimes be a puddle,) professional societies, classes, etc.

6.) A puddle: men/women who you are attached to through numerous circles – close friends, shared department at work, social clubs, etc.

Now, let’s talk about where we SHOULD and SHOULDN’T be fishing.

Obviously, the “numero uno” no-no is fishing in your puddle.  Let’s be logical here…of course it’s easy to fish in a puddle, you throw some bait in and something will bite; that’s for sure.  However, you can only fit SO many fish in one puddle.  If you make it a habit, people will soon realize that your bait is no good.  Now you’re stuck with a bunch of fish swimming in your puddle, who you not only have no use for, but who think your bait stinks… Unless you puddle jump right out of there, you’ll have to live with the stigma of stinky bait. So know this – if you’re going to fish in your own puddle, you’d better snag the grade A salmon and know how to keep it fresh…

Another big faux pas is fishing in the company pond.  I’ve always been a proponent of staying as far away as possible from the company pond.  Much like puddle-fishing, it begs to muddy up your water.  Recently, I made this mistake.  I went to an event where there were QUITE a few company fish, who were all drinking straight from the fish bowl, if you know what I mean.  Everyone got a bit rowdy, and I might have (read: DID,) put the bait on the line, so to speak.  Well, as luck would have it, an eager fish took the bait, and though we weren’t exactly swimming upstream together…many people at the party saw our “fishy faces.”

As a result, not only are several of the people I work with constantly teasing me, but until the next gossip-worthy happening takes place, this story lingers at the water cooler.  Though this particular fish was adorable, it doesn’t constitute any more company-wide fishing.  It’s not like I’m sprinting from my car to my desk every morning, but I definitely avoid going to certain floors of my building unless absolutely necessary.

Lesson learned?  Your pond might seem like a big one, but the dry season can come sooner than you expect…and next thing you know there’s a lot less water for you to hide in.

Remember: If you’d like to submit a question or funny story for the Mid-Week Meltdown, send an email to myvaginamonoblogs@gmail.com, with your name, age, gender, and a little something about yourself.  I try to answer all questions in a timely manner.

Match Message Madness

26 Jun

As you know from previous blogs, I really do love the concept of online dating – being able to screen and sort people before you decide to go out with them is a huge bonus.  Due to this screening process,  I can avoid having to meet people who I know I’m not into.  Of those men, there are always a few that absolutely blow me away.  Without further ado, I want to share a few of the lamest messages I’ve received on match.com recently.

1.) Subject Line: None

Body: “hey sweety how you doin?”

Now…I’m using quotations for a reason.  This is actually copied and pasted directly from his message.  No capitalization, no ‘g’ on the ‘doing.’  I don’t know if this guy thinks he’s Joey Tribbiani from Friends, but “how you doin'” just doesn’t go over so well via email.

ALSO, (and men, if you are reading this, please pay attention,) do not call me “sweety.”  Honestly.  You don’t know me – how do you know I’m sweet?  I’m actually pretty rude.  Moreover, are you my boyfriend?  Is it our 6-month anniversary?  Are we going to Prom?  Did you get me a corsage?  …No need for the pet names, thank you.

2.) Subject Line: “don’t worry not hitting on you”

Body: “just complimenting the run dmc shirt”  (Sidebar: in one of my pics, I’m wearing a Run DMC shirt – it’s hot.)

Again, no capitalization or punctuation.  Do people not understand the idea behind a “first impression?”

More importantly…why are you not hitting on me?  Obviously you like my style, so are you saying that my profile sucks?  Or is it just that you’re not attracted to me?  Or, are you actually hitting on me, but trying to do it on the sly?  On a positive note, if you’re trying to confuse me, you’ve succeeded.  Maybe I will write back and say, “Thank God you weren’t hitting on me.  That would be so awkward.”

3.) Subject Line: Well then…

Body: How about you give me your number so I can text you instead of call ya? Anyway, what makes you Middle-Eastern? Anyway, I don’t want your number but give me your email address.  (Sidebar: in my profile, I mention that texting vs calling is cop out, and under “ethnicity,” I‘ve chosen Middle-Eastern.)

Anyway, I don’t even know where to start on this one.  Anyway, he certainly likes the word anyway.

Ok, good into – I mean, he’s poking fun at my texting comment, which shows he actually read my profile.  That sentence aside, there’s just not any kind of logical flow to the message.  To be honest, I’m not really sure what “what makes you Middle-Eastern” means.  Also, it does seem slightly rude for him to say that he doesn’t even want my number…but then gets quite demanding about the email address.  Either way, I think I’ll write back with just one line:  “www.thesaurus.com.”

Come on guys…you can do better than this.

Remember: If you’d like to submit a question or funny story for the Mid-Week Meltdown, send an email to myvaginamonoblogs@gmail.com, with your name, age, gender, and a little something about yourself.  I try to answer all questions in a timely manner.

Some Q and A for The Masses

17 Jun

In the last few months (basically since I started My Vagina Monoblogs,) I’ve been approached by several people asking for advice and/or opinions in the world of dating.  A few of my friends recently joined Match.com and have been asking how to handle particular dating situations. involving everything from how much personal information to give out, to how to handle being stood up. I’ve also been asked to help edit online profiles and weigh in on dating issues (online or otherwise,) they’ve been dealing with.

This gave me an idea for My Vagina Monoblogs.  I’d like to start taking questions from YOU!

You can ask anything from how to set up a match.com account to how to handle being blown off.  The questions don’t have to be about match.com or online dating – feel free to ask me anything relating to the dating scene at all!  Every Wednesday, I’ll post a question or two and my (likely satirical) response.   Everything will be anonymous of course, so don’t worry about me putting you on blast.

People will be able to read my response and comment, (whether they agree or disagree,) with their own advice.  This is a great opportunity to not only find out why what you are doing is or isn’t working, but hear what others are going through, and learn from their mistakes and successes in the dating world!  (It’s also a good chance to tell an embarrassing story or ask an awkward question with no personal risk.)

Send your questions, funny dating stories, and anything else you can think of to: myvaginamonoblogs@gmail.com .   You can also tweet your questions at me – @DatingDiaries.  I’ll be sure to let you know what day your question will be posted on the blog.   And remember, no question is too embarrassing…