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Fishing In The Company Pond

27 Jul

There are plenty of fish in the sea; we’ve covered that before.  Today I want to talk about some amateur fishing I did this weekend, but let’s first talk about our different fishing locales, the terminology we’ll use, and what those terms mean.

1.) The sea: all the men/women in the whole wide world.

2.) Overseas: men/women who literally live across a sea.  If you’re in the US, this could be Asia, Europe, Australia, etc.  Fishing overseas is fun, but be sure to catch and release, or you might end up swimming across the ocean just to find out you’re not into salt water after all.

3.) A lake: men/women who live in your general vicinity.  Southern California, for example, is my lake.  These “fish” are close enough that you can have a relationship of convenience with them, but not so close that you’ll have to see them on a daily basis.  Fishing in your lake is ideal – you can dock your boat now and then, but there are fresh fish everywhere you go.

4.) A river: men/women who are not here to stay.  These “fish” might be vacationing in your lake, or in town for business at your pond.  They may come and go occasionally, but the likelihood is that they’ll leave with the current.

5.) A pond: men/women who you see (voluntarily or otherwise,) on a weekly, if not daily, basis.  The most common type of pond is the “company pond,” but can also refer to groups of friends (though this can sometimes be a puddle,) professional societies, classes, etc.

6.) A puddle: men/women who you are attached to through numerous circles – close friends, shared department at work, social clubs, etc.

Now, let’s talk about where we SHOULD and SHOULDN’T be fishing.

Obviously, the “numero uno” no-no is fishing in your puddle.  Let’s be logical here…of course it’s easy to fish in a puddle, you throw some bait in and something will bite; that’s for sure.  However, you can only fit SO many fish in one puddle.  If you make it a habit, people will soon realize that your bait is no good.  Now you’re stuck with a bunch of fish swimming in your puddle, who you not only have no use for, but who think your bait stinks… Unless you puddle jump right out of there, you’ll have to live with the stigma of stinky bait. So know this – if you’re going to fish in your own puddle, you’d better snag the grade A salmon and know how to keep it fresh…

Another big faux pas is fishing in the company pond.  I’ve always been a proponent of staying as far away as possible from the company pond.  Much like puddle-fishing, it begs to muddy up your water.  Recently, I made this mistake.  I went to an event where there were QUITE a few company fish, who were all drinking straight from the fish bowl, if you know what I mean.  Everyone got a bit rowdy, and I might have (read: DID,) put the bait on the line, so to speak.  Well, as luck would have it, an eager fish took the bait, and though we weren’t exactly swimming upstream together…many people at the party saw our “fishy faces.”

As a result, not only are several of the people I work with constantly teasing me, but until the next gossip-worthy happening takes place, this story lingers at the water cooler.  Though this particular fish was adorable, it doesn’t constitute any more company-wide fishing.  It’s not like I’m sprinting from my car to my desk every morning, but I definitely avoid going to certain floors of my building unless absolutely necessary.

Lesson learned?  Your pond might seem like a big one, but the dry season can come sooner than you expect…and next thing you know there’s a lot less water for you to hide in.

Remember: If you’d like to submit a question or funny story for the Mid-Week Meltdown, send an email to myvaginamonoblogs@gmail.com, with your name, age, gender, and a little something about yourself.  I try to answer all questions in a timely manner.

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What I’ve Learned…

19 Jun

Warning: This blog might get a little cheesy for you on a Friday morning…I promise to return to wit and satire by Monday’s blog!

I’ve spent countless hours analyzing my dates, making light of the dating scene (or rather, making FUN of it,) playing relationship counselor to numerous friends, and (obviously) blogging about all of it.  While pondering this, it dawned upon me that there is a universal truth about relationships that I’ve learned through reflecting upon all these experiences and conversations.

In my (not so) humble opinion, the cornerstone of a really good relationship – be it a friendship or an “intimate relationship” – is twofold:

1.) Each person has to feel lucky to be with the other person.  If you can say to yourself, “Wow, I am so lucky to have this person in my life,” and they can say the same, you are in a great relationship.  Think about your best friends – have you ever thought, “I don’t know what I would do without this person?”

2.) You have to be vulnerable to each other.  Part of the BS about dating is that stage before you let down your guard.  You’re so scared to get hurt or have your pride damaged, that you won’t let someone get close enough to really know you.  In great relationships, you are completely vulnerable to the other person.

Again, think about your best friends – the ones that know your deepest, darkest secrets.  They know things about you, or have been through things with you, that you wouldn’t want anyone else in the world knowing.  But, you don’t doubt their loyalty for a second – you know they wouldn’t use that information against you, just like they know the same of you.

I’m not saying that a really great relationship consists of ONLY these two things; but I know that a relationship can’t flourish without them.

Nesting…it’s not okay.

10 Jun

You know, women always get a bad rap for being the ones who get “attached” first in a relationship.  You’ve seen Wedding Crashers, I’m sure you recall the “Stage 5, Clinger.” Well, I’d like to speak out for women (not that this is different than any other day, mind you,) and say that men are equally guilty of the same crime.

As some of you may know, I’ve been seeing a lot of a certain someone recently, and have been skimping on first-dates.  (You can’t blame me; the man has a body like Zeus and wears a uniform to boot.  Ladies, you KNOW what they say about men in uniform…)

Anyhow, he’s been tip-toeing around the “inner circle” for awhile, and this weekend I let him slip in, (yes, I realize what that sounds like, let the “That’s What She Said” jokes rain down…) by meeting a few of my friends.  I even had a small dinner party Monday night that ended up being a bit of a double date.  Things went…okay, but I don’t think I’ll be letting him any further into my world… Let’s just say that he didn’t exactly “wow” anyone with his grace or charm.  (i.e. showing up with Hotel For Dogs as a movie pick and apparently being totally serious about watching it.)

Tuesday evening I spent some time tidying up the house and mulling over the idea of “phasing him out.”  As I was doing so, I ran across a canister of shaving cream.  …Men’s shaving cream.  Okay…I thought, that could have been an accident.  One little bottle of shaving cream.  No big deal.

I shook it off and was gathering laundry around my room when I noticed a T-shirt.  A man’s t-shirt.  Alright…maybe he was in a hurry when he left…

Then, as I moved into the living room, I saw his motorcycle helmet, and froze like a deer in headlights.  The extra helmet he generally keeps on his motorcycle for me (or whomever might be riding on the back of his bike,) was sitting on the end of the couch, staring me in the face.

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

After my momentary lapse in the space-time continuum, I realized that this meant the beginning of the end for us.  It was as if the helmet was saying, “It’s okay, I’m just here waiting for the next time he comes over…and the next time…and the next time…”  <Cue scary movie music.>

If the awkward dinner party didn’t seal the deal, this nesting business surely does.  That helmet in the corner was like the nail in the coffin.

Let’s have a little lesson about assumptions.

1.) Never assume that you are seeing someone exclusively.  If you haven’t had “the talk,” dating other people is still fair game.

2.) Never assume that you can leave personal items at someone’s house – you never know who they are expecting for dinner the next day.  (Please see point 1 if you are assuming it’s you.)

3.) Never assume.  Period.

I’m sure you’ve all seen the Assumption Breakdown before, but it’s always nice to have a reminder:

Never ASSUME.  It makes an ASS of U and ME.

It really is a shame though, he had so much potential…I wonder how many push-ups he could do with me sitting on his back.

(Yes, I realize what that sounds like, let the “That’s What She Said” jokes rain down…)

A “Happy Ending”

8 Jun

Breakups, in general, are a bitch.  They’re bad news for all parties involved.  The person doing the “breaking up,” is usually just as uncomfortable as (if not moreso than,) the person being broken up with.  Along with any breakup comes a certain amount of heartache, or at least a bruised ego, but I did have one breakup that broke the mold.

A year or so ago, I was dating a guy I’d met on match.com who was a pretty cool guy, had an awesome dog, and the added bonus was that he had an incredible parking spot in the heart of East Village that he let me park in, whether or not he was home.  We’d been seeing each other for a few weeks, maybe a month or so, when we hit the perverbial wall – the point in the relationship where you realize that it’s just kind of okay.  Not great, not bad…just kind of…there.  (It’s like a meal at Chili’s or Applebee’s or some other mediocre chain restaurant…the food and ambience aren’t terribly impressive, but it’s better than having to stay home and make your own meal.  You’re willing to pay for it, but only during Happy Hour when the appetizers are half off.)

On that particular night, I was hanging out with him (read: watching The Office while he was dozing in and out of consciousness,) when it occurred to me that this was not only going nowhere fast, but that the ride to Nowheresville wasn’t even that entertaining.  So, I asked the dreaded question, “Where is this going?”  …Well, actually, my exact words were, “What are we doing?  I mean…are we gonna keep doing this?” To which he replied, “Well…what were you thinking?” (That answer qualifies not only as vague, but a bit of a cop out, if you ask me.)  Here’s how the rest of the conversation went:

Me: Doesn’t really seem like you’re very fired up about this.
Him: Yea…I’m not really.  But, as you know, I’m not really fired up about much of anything lately.  (Sidebar: He’d been recently overloaded and stressed out with work)
Me: Well, I think I deserve someone who is fired up about me.
Him: You’re absolutely right…it’s not fair to you.  I’m just not that person right now.
Me: And that’s perfectly fine with me…besides, ideally, I think that no matter how exhausted you are from work, or whatever stress is in your life…there will be SOMEONE who gets you fired up…and that’s obviously not me.
Him: {shrug/nod}
Me: So, let’s just call a spade a spade…we had a good run. …I’m kind of upset that I’m gonna lose my awesome parking spot downtown.
Him: Who says you have to lose your parking spot?
Me: Awesome! …Hey, I’m really glad we talked about this instead of dragging things out, and letting it get all awkward.

So, all in all, best “breakup” ever.  Since there was never really a serious level of commitment from either of us, I don’t know if you’d consider it a “breakup” persay…but it was an ending of sorts.  The good news?  (No, I did not just save a bunch of money by switching to Geico.)  I retained a friendship and a killer parking spot.

Settling Vs Settling Down

5 Jun

People ask me all the time, do you date because you want to find someone to settle down with, or do you date just to date?

I don’t think the answer to that can be as black-and-white as the question…

Do I like to date?  Yes. First dates are SO much fun!

1.) I get to try a new restaurant, or go back to an old favorite

2.) I get to talk about myself – and who doesn’t love talking about themselves?  (Come on, be honest.  It’s a proven fact that the two things people like hearing most in the world are 1.) Their own name and 2.) The sound of their own voice.)

3.) I not only get to meet someone new, but I get all the excitement, anticipation, and nerves that come along with a first date.  It’s like being on stage – there’s just no other feeling like it.

So, okay, I like dating more than most people.  But, am I OPPOSED to finding “the one?”  Not necessarily. However, am I desperately searching for him, clinging to anything that resembles a decent man? No.

I feel like SO many women are so eager to get married and have babies, that they will latch on to any man they can so they can live out this plan (aka fairytale,) that’s been ingrained in us since we were little girls.  “Girl meets boy, they fall in love, boy and girl get married, have babies, and the cycle repeats.”

Though what we are TRYING to do is “settle down,” a lot of times we just end up “settling.” The difference is gargantuan, yet each can be so easily mistaken for the other.  (It’s like eating a frozen pizza because you couldn’t wait for the delivery guy from that great Italian restaurant to show up with the real thing…they’ll both fill you up, but only one will leave you satisfied.)

I saw a PostSecret (if you’ve never seen PostSecret, check it out – http://postsecret.com) postcard yesterday that sums up my sentiment about “settling down.”  It said: “I fear that I will settle so I won’t be alone.”

What I’m trying to say is, contrary to popular belief, I’m not actually scared of commitment…I’m just scared of committing to the wrong person.  In other words, if I’m gonna eat pizza, I want a slice of thin crust New York style pizza with The Works.

How can you still be single?!

20 May

I was chatting with a friend yesterday who reconnected with an old classmate via Facebook.  The newly rediscovered friend sent her a message that said, “So, you have to tell me…you’re beautiful, talented, and seem to be very successful, HOW can you still be single?!”

First of all, it is assumptive.  Consider the fact that my friend IS beautiful, talented, and successful…shouldn’t that be MORE reason for her to be single?  Maybe she isn’t just ready to settle for the first shmuck who realizes that she’s got a lot to offer, but he himself has little or nothing to offer.  Maybe she has standards, and would rather hold out for someone who deserves her than settle for someone who doesn’t.

Secondly. this old-school thinking, that if a woman is beautiful and intelligent, they should get “snatched right up,’ by a man is ridiculous.  “Oh my, that woman has something to offer, someone had better marry her and knock her up, quick-like!

Moreover, it suggests that something is wrong.  It’s like someone saying to you…”Gee, you SEEM normal…something MUST be wrong with you if you’re still single.” In fact, my friend said that it made her uneasy, as if she was doing something wrong in her life.  I get that this person probably meant this as a compliment, but what they didn’t realize is that it’s also a slap in the face.  For all intents and purposes, he may as well have said, “it’s too bad you can’t hold down a relationship, because you’d be a great catch if you could.”

This, “Why are you still single?” line comes off differently, depending on who is delivering the sentiment.

1.) The guy at the bar: “You are gorgeous, how can you still be single!?”

Translation: I want you to come home with me tonight, and this lame pick up line is what I consider to be my “A Game.”  (Sidebar: this is the OLDEST line in the book, and always comes off as cheesy.)

2.) A married woman with children: “Gee honey, you’re smart and pretty, why are you still single?”

Translation: I’m exhausted from chasing around 2 kids, living in a sexless marrieage, and wish I could go back and do it all again differently.  Can you please get married soon??  Misery loves company.  (Ok, that was a little extreme, but you get the picture.)

3.) Your parents: You’re still single?  Don’t worry honey, you’ll find the right one…

Translation: I’d better call Margie and see if her son is still gay, because the choices are dwindling and I want grandbabies.

And the list goes on…

My point is, the word ‘single’ doesn’t have to have a negative connotation.  To be more exact…“Don’t hate the player, hate the game.”

I Complete Me

18 May

Remember that scene from the movie “Jerry McGuire,” where the deaf man signs “you complete me,” to his girlfriend in the elevator?  If you’re a woman, of course you do.  For most women, that movie moment is what dreams are made of.  They’re desperately waiting for that moment in their own life, when someone will “complete them.”

Excuse me while I throw up.

Look, I get that people need people.  I get that human nature is such that we want a “partner” in our life.   But don’t you want a whole one?  I, personally, am a complete person.  To be totally honest, I don’t really have any interest in dating an incomplete one.  I mean, do you go to an Italian restaurant and say, “Can I get 7/8 of a pepperoni pizza?”  Do you go to the mall and buy half a pair of shoes or one third a pair of pants?

Doubtful.

If you really need someone to complete you, maybe a therapist is a better choice than a boyfriend or girlfriend.

Create a life that’s fulfilling and makes you happy; nothing is more attractive than that.