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Mid-Week Meltdown: The Age of Innocence

26 Aug

This week’s question comes to us from a 20 something woman who gets carded to buy candy cigarettes.

Dear MVM,

I have been blessed with genetics that make me look years younger than my actual age. I love it, don’t get me wrong, and I realize that I’m going to look like I’m 30 by the time I’m 50, but with the good does comes the bad. I’m currently 27, but I look like I’m 19…23 at the most. Because of this, I attract all the 23 year old boys, or the 40-somethings who “like ’em young.” As a girl who’s ready to settle down, you can see my dilemma. How do I attract the upper 20’s – mid/lower 30’s crowd and let them know that I am, in fact 27, and not, ahem, 17?

Sincerely,

Child’s Play

Dear Young Blood,

Ahh…the “age old question”…sorry, couldn’t help myself.

Yes, you’re right – you are VERY lucky.  Most women would kill to look years younger than their actual age – you can thank those genetics for saving you thousands of dollars in plastic surgery down the road.  (Imagine if Joan Rivers had your “dilemma;” the world would have 15 more pounds of plastic and collagen to work with.)

I have a pretty simple theory about this, but you may not like the answer.  Yes, looking young can attract younger men…in the same way that looking slutty can attract dirty men and looking frumpy can attract NO men.  Though it may seem that your genetics (and several statutory rape laws,) are the reason you are attracting younger men, I think there’s a lot more to it.

Have you ever said to another person, “Wow, he/she doesn’t carry him/herself like a (fill in the age here)-old.  He/she is much more mature?” Or how about, “I’d never have guessed he/she was (fill in the age here,) he/she doesn’t act like that at all – he/she is so young at heart!”

Of course you have.  You may look like a 12 year old, but maybe you’re getting mistaken for a 17 year old because of the way you carry yourself.

Let’s start with the external – what kind of clothes are you wearing? Are you in t-shirts and shorts the majority of the time?  When you’re shopping, do you see a bunch of teenagers in the same store or department?  That might be a clue to change up your style.

What about your hair and makeup? Is your main style a pony tail?  Do you toss it up straight from the shower?  Is your makeup nonexistent?  Do you see girls who are ACTUALLY fifteen who have a better sense of style than you do?  I’m not saying you need to spackle your face with 3 inches of foundation, but picking up a blush brush and some eyeliner might just do the trick.

Who are you hanging out with? If the average age of the friends in your inner circle is below the legal drinking age, I think we’re starting to see a pattern.

Where are you hanging out? Look around at the clientele.  If you see video games or a large costumed mouse, and a “pizza bar,” it’s time to find a new watering hole.


Your genetics may play a role in your pattern of suitors, but you can affect that pattern by making a few simple changes.  The clothes you wear, the words you choose (you may note the fact that you call yourself  a “girl” in your initial question,) the way you carry yourself – all these things are factors in your “presentation.”  Stop blaming your “damned good looks,” and start attracting the crowd you want by acting the part of a person who attracts that crowd.

Forever Young,

MVM

Remember: If you’d like to submit a question or funny story for the Mid-Week Meltdown, send an email to myvaginamonoblogs@gmail.com, with your name, age, gender, and a little something about yourself.  I try to answer all questions in a timely manner.

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Mid-Week Meltdown: Location, location, location

19 Aug

This week’s question comes to us from a 30-something woman, who is looking for some new spots to meet a mate.

Dear MVM,

Besides match.com and other dating websites, what places do you recommend for meeting people of the opposite sex?

Signed,

Looking for love in all the wrong places


Dear Love Locator,

Unfortunately, there isn’t a Google Maps for Men or a Widget for Women’s Whereabouts – though with Google’s inventiveness, I don’t doubt it’s too far off.  Regardless, my answer for you is simple, albeit vague.  Where do you meet people of the opposite sex?  Everywhere.

Yes, there’s the obvious – bars, clubs, concerts, etc.  When we (men and women alike,) are out at a bar or club, we’re basically on the prowl.  We know that these types of places are prime grounds for meeting and mingling.  Thus, when we go to these places, our state of mind is such that we are not only on the lookout for potential mates, but pursuant about it.  However, we often overlook and/or underestimate all the other opportunities we have to meet potential dates on a daily basis.

Going to the grocery store to pick up some ground beef?  You might notice the beefcake perusing the frozen foods aisle. Headed to the gym for a mid-day cardio blast?  Take a look at the guy who’s blasting his pecs on the bench press. Walking your dog at the dog park?  Walk it on over to the hottie with the French Bulldog.  Catching some rays at the beach or a friend’s pool? That guy in the Ray-bans has got potential. Checking out a book at the library?  Check out the cougar in the Non-Fictions.

All puns aside, I think you’re picking up what I’m putting down.

It’s not so about about where we are, it’s all about our state of mind. There are single men and women literally everywhere you look; you just have to be open to meeting them.

Next time you’re about to run some hum-drum errands, give yourself a second glance in the mirror. Women – are you wearing your “lounging” pants and an old sweatshirt that is not only circa 1987, but does about as much for your figure as a potato sack? Men – are you wearing that T-shirt with a hole in the underarm and those shorts with the paint-stains? You wouldn’t be caught dead wearing that stuff on a date, so why would you let that be your first impression for the cute guy/girl ordering a latte at your favorite coffee shop?

The better you look, the more confident you’ll feel, and all it takes is a simple comment to get things started.  Such as….

That beefcake in frozen foods…wasn’t he getting personal-pan frozen pizza?  No girlfriend in that picture. “Tomato-basil huh?  I had an incredible slice at Bronx Pizza last week – have you been there?”

That lady at the library…wasn’t she checking out Chuck Norris’ autobiography?! “Did you know that Chuck Norris is suing MySpace for taking the name of what he calls everything around us?”

You get the idea.

Open your eyes and you’ll see a world of opportunity.  All you need is to be (physically and mentally) prepared to seize it.

It’s not about being in the right place at the right time, it’s about being in the right state of mind ALL the time.


Opportunity awaits,

MVM

Remember: If you’d like to submit a question or funny story for the Mid-Week Meltdown, send an email to myvaginamonoblogs@gmail.com, with your name, age, gender, and a little something about yourself.  I try to answer all questions in a timely manner.

Mid-Week Meltdown: Textaholics Anonymous

12 Aug

Our question this week comes from a man in his early thirties, who is wondering how to deal with a sticky situation he’s gotten himself info.

Dear MVM,

I met a girl recently, who is really very cool, but I’m just not into her. Because she is so cool, I got her number, we’ve been texting a LOT, and have hung out with mutual friends since then, but I think I gave her the wrong impression.  In fact, I know I did, and it seems like she is really into me.  The problem is, I want to take her friend on a date.  Is it rude for me to ask her friend out since I may have been (accidentally,) leading her on?

Thanks,

Serial Texter


Dear Texting Terror,

First of all, there is a difference between “texting” and “sexting.”

Texting: Quick notes back and forth to convey information in a manner that is more convenient than calling and having a conversation.

Sexting: Flirtatious, witty comments, often times adorned with emoticons, such as the “winky face” 😉 and the “big smile face” :-D.  Sexting is not about conveying information, it’s just an excuse to contact the person because you’re thinking of them, but it doesn’t necessarily warrant an entire conversation.  A sexting conversation can linger for 2 or 3 days.

Given the fact that she is now so “into you,” I can only assume you were “sexting,” (intentionally or unintentionally.)

(Sidebar: Men, you should probably know that when you are sexting a girl, she is sharing your texts with all her girlfriends.  Every “adorable comment” you make immediately gets forwarded, IM’ed, emailed, or discussed directly with her inner circle.  In fact, women spend about twenty minutes analyzing your text and then another twenty collaborating with friends on an appropriate response.)

You now have two issues:

1.) How to let Girl A know you’re not into her

2.) How to ask out Girl B

There are a couple of ways to handle this:

1. Ignore Girl A’s texts and cease communication.

Consequence: You look like a douche-bag who stopped “sexting” for no reason.  She will tell Girl B how this guy she’s been sexting was a jerk, and now neither girl wants anything to do with you.  Girl B wouldn’t take you up on your offer because it’s not only breaking the girl-code of dating someone their friend likes, but she already thinks you’re a jerk for ignoring her friend.

2. Be honest (to a degree,) with Girl A.  Tell her you think she’s really cool, but you don’t really “click,’ or that you think she’s really cute, but you don’t have “chemistry,” or some other generic let-down.

Consequence: Girl A will appreciate your honesty and will tell Girl B about it.  You come out looking like a good guy, but Girl B still may not go out with you due to the girl-code, as previously mentioned.

3.) The third option is a hybrid.  Take option 2 and put a spin on it.  Let her down easy, but then introduce her to someone who “she’ll totally click with.”  The key here is finding someone to pawn her off on who you actually think might be a good fit.

Consequence Result: Girl A not only appreciates the honesty, but now has a new hot prospect.  Because you were so cool AND because Girl A now has a new potential love-interest, Girl B is up for grabs.

If none of these options is appealing to you…well, then I suggest not leading girls on in the first place.  But hey…maybe I’m an idealist.

Sincerely,

MVM

Remember: If you’d like to submit a question or funny story for the Mid-Week Meltdown, send an email to myvaginamonoblogs@gmail.com, with your name, age, gender, and a little something about yourself.  I try to answer all questions in a timely manner.

Mid-Week Meltdown: Explained

5 Aug

I thought I’d clarify a bit about the Mid-Week Meltdown.  The M-W-M is a chance for you to get your questions answered.  Any questions about relationships, online dating, or some other related topic are welcome.

I’m also looking for stories to share.   If you you’ve had a bad date, a funny breakup, or a ridiculous story about a guy or girl who tried to ask you out – PLEASE share! I’ll edit down the story and share my thoughts on it.  I can leave it anonymous or include your contact info.

With that said, please feel free to share My Vagina Monoblogs with friends on Facebook, Twitter, etc.  The new MVM Fan Page address is: http://facebook.com/monoblogs .  (Yea, Facebook wouldn’t let me include the “V” word, but no bigs.

I’m also going to start sharing some of my favorite websites with you.  (I promise they’ll just be just as entertaining as MVM.)

Favorite site of the week: http://casualencounters.com/blog .  This blog is RIDIC!  The author chooses the funniest posts from Craigslist’s “Casual Encounters” section.  The most recent one is about a guy who offers imitation crab meat to his potential “encounterers” in exchange for a “friendly visit” to his model train room.  Oh, but don’t worry…he states very clearly, “I’m not gay.”  You’ve gotta check out the whole post!!!  Casual Encounters Blog – Train Man

I look forward to receiving your questions, comments, and stories at myvaginamonoblogs@gmail.com.

Mid-Week Meltdown: Which Site Is Right?

29 Jul

This week’s question comes to us from a 30-something single man, who is ready to dive into the world of online dating.

Dear MVM,

I’ve decided to (finally) join an online dating site.  There are so many different dating sites out there; just looking at the options makes my head spin!  I’m new to this online dating scene, so how do I know which site is right for me?

Sincerely,

Online Dating Rookie

Dear Rookie of the Year,

This is a fantastic question!  First of all, good for you for deciding to be proactive about your dating life.  Moreover, it’s impressive that you want to do a little research before you begin.  In my opinion, there are three basic levels of dating sites.  They are as follows:

1.) Craigslist’s “Casual Encounters,” Adult Friend Finder, Date Hookup, etc:

Let’s be honest – these types of sites are for the lonely and horny.  On some of them, you can literally place an ad that says “Looking to hook up tonight.”  If you want instant gratification, this is the site for you.  If you’re looking for a quality partner, steer clear.

Men’s view: I want to get laid.  This is the cheapest and easiest way to do it, and I’ll tell all my friends about it afterward.

Women’s view: I want to get laid.  This is the fastest way to make it happen – but I’ll never tell a soul that I actually used this site.

My view: You may as well call these sites: “iwannahavesexrightnow.com.”  I understand the concept behind it, but I personally couldn’t fathom using any of these sites.  To each their own, I suppose. Just remember to wrap it up people.

2.) Match, Plenty of Fish, Chemistry, Fitness Singles, etc:

These sites are used by (and blanket marketed towards,) the majority of singles.  From early 20’s to senior citizen’s, these sites have it all.  There are tons of these sites out there, some that are geared towards a specific niche, like Fitness Singles, and some that focus on certain types of relationships, like Sugar Daddies or Established Men.  The premise is always the same; you are “matched up” with people based on your profile.  In all reality though, you basically peruse pictures until you see someone you find attractive, check their stats to see if they fit your basic requirements – age, height, smoking preference, etc, and scan their profile to verify that they can write complete sentences.

Men’s view: I want to get laid. I might have to pay a small fee for the service, but it’s the same thing as buying drinks at the bar.

Women’s view: I want a screening tool for meeting men; I’m hoping to find my soulmate, but I’ll settle for a nice dinner.  I’m sick of meeting guys who can’t commit and if a guy is on a dating site, he MUST be interested in a relationship…

My view: These are the semi-serious sites.  Personally, I think it’s a great way to screen and meet single men.  I call these “lotsofdates.com,” but then again, I’ve never had a bad experience.

3.) EHarmony, Christian Dating Sites, etc

I tried EHarmony once, during a “Free Communication” weekend.  The premise here is that you take personality tests, and you actually get matched based on different levels of your personality.  (Crazy concept, I know!) You can’t just go looking through profiles – EHarmony has to match you based on your results.  The process is slow-moving; there are several required emails and sets of questions to be answered before you actually meet the person.

**I had one man tell me that women on EHarmony are “about 7 years older and 15 lbs heavier,” than women on Match…but I’ll make no comment on that matter.**

Men’s view: I want to get laid.  Yea, I wouldn’t mind a relationship, as long as getting laid is part of the deal.

Women’s view: This is serious.  I’m ready to not only be in a committed relationship, but my biological clock is a-ticking and I’m ready to pop out some babies.  If a man is on EHarmony, I’m assuming he’s ready to settle down.

My View: I call this site, “iwanttogetmarriedandmakebabies.com.”   ‘Nuff said.  I don’t have the patience for their matching process and I’m definitely not in an EHarmony state of mind.

**Sidebar: EHarmony also does not allow same sex matching.  Personally, I boycott them for this reason.  I’m not into discrimination, not to mention all the spiritual overtones of the site.**

So Rookie, there you have it.  No matter what site you choose, give it some time.  Many people try these sites for a month, have one bad experience and write off online dating altogether.  That’s akin to me saying that I had one bad experience meeting a guy in the library, so I’m swearing off libraries for all eternity.  To get the hang of the online dating thing, I’d say you need to give a good three months.

…Then again, a friend of mine recently joined an online dating site, met a guy within the first 2 weeks, and ended up canceling her membership not two weeks later, as the guy she met is basically a dreamboat.  Let’s remember though…stories like that are always the exception, not the rule.

Dating Sites Debunked,

MVM

Remember: If you’d like to submit a question or funny story for the Mid-Week Meltdown, send an email to myvaginamonoblogs@gmail.com, with your name, age, gender, and a little something about yourself.  I try to answer all questions in a timely manner.

Mid-Week Meltdown: Our Little Secret

15 Jul

This weeks question comes to us from a 26 yr old man, who has recently started online dating.

Dear MVM,

What do you do when you meet someone online and they don’t want people to know that’s how you met?

Sincerely,

Sworn To Secrecy Stud

Dear Secret Stud,

My answer to this question is simple and, (as usual,) blunt.  If someone isn’t comfortable saying they’re using an online dating service, they shouldn’t be using it.

Think about it this way: let’s say you met at church.  Would she be embarrassed to say she met you there?  Probably not, because if she’s a church-goer, she identifies that as a part of who she is. She would probably be proud of that fact, right?  What about if you met in a sports bar?  She probably wouldn’t feel the need to lie about that either.  Granted, she’s probably not bragging about it to all her friends or shouting it from the rooftops – but she’d still be okay with it.

So why then wouldn’t she want people to know you met online?  Is she ashamed of the fact that she’s on match.com or EHarmony, or some other dating site?  Seems to me that if she’s comfortable hiding that part of her life from friends and family who are near and dear to her, she’s probably comfortable hiding lots of other things…especially from some guy she just met…online, for goodness’ sakes! (Her words, not mine buddy.)

Or, how about this scenario?  You end up dating, “falling in love,” getting married, etc.  Are you really going to base that whole relationship on a lie?  “Yes kids, that’s right, mommy and daddy met at the end of a rainbow, under a golden sun, in a field filled with bunnies and frolicking deer…” Yea, that sounds like a healthy relationship.

For me, it’s black and white (RIP M.J.) It’s like teenagers having unprotected sex because they are too embarrassed to go buy condoms.  If you’re not mature enough to pick up some prophylactics, you’re not mature enough to be having sex.  The same goes for this situation.  If she’s not mature enough to tell people she met you online, she’s probably not mature enough for a relationship.  The reason online dating still has a stigma is because of girls (yes, girls, not women…apparently this is one of the differentiators between the two,) like this.

My two cents?  Suck it up Sally.  Online dating isn’t just for hermits and Trekkies anymore.  You’re not just lying to other people, you’re lying to yourself.

Abrasive as Always,

MVM

Remember: If you’d like to submit a question or funny story for the Mid-Week Meltdown, send an email to myvaginamonoblogs@gmail.com, with your name, age, gender, and a little something about yourself.  I try to answer all questions in a timely manner.

Mid-Weeek Meltdown: Going Dutch

1 Jul
Today’s question comes to us from a 30-something women, frustrated with the dating scene:

Dear MVM,


Something struck a chord with me as I was browsing through the comments on your blog today. One of you gentleman (cough, cough) readers commented negatively on your deal breakers blog about women who expect him to pay. Why shouldn’t a man pay to be in the presence and good company of lady? I have a friend who heard this complaint on a first date, she married the fool and now she’s miserable. If a man asks me to go dutch, all bets are off and most women I know would agree. I understand when you reach relationship status there has to be an equal balance; cooking and doing nice things for him, etc. What is up with this new breed of man nowadays? Should I start meeting my dates at the library? Should I settle for a senior citizen who still has old-fashioned ways?

Sincerely,
Who’s right and who’s wrong

Dear No-Going-Dutch Duchess,


This is a tough question to answer, but I’ll happily give you MY opinion.  Personally, I’m into traditional male/female roles.  I’m not saying I want to be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen, but I like to be “taken care of,” so to speak.  When I get invited to dinner, I don’t EXPECT a man to pay – but I like the kind of man who WANTS to.  When the check comes, I will generally make an offer to pay, but gracefully accept if they choose not to let me.  In fact, when I’m pretty sure I’m dealing with the kind of man who will pick up the tab, I have used these exact words in our post-dinner conversation:

<The server drops off the bill at our table.>

Me: “Do you want to do that thing, where I say, ‘Here, let me pay for half,’ and then you say, ‘No, no, it’s okay,’ and then I say, ‘ No, really, I want to,’ and then you say, ‘No no, I’ll get it?’ Or can we skip all that?”


Granted, I’m a bit more aggressive than most women – but it usually gets a laugh and they end up paying the bill.

Now, for those of you who think I’m just using men for free dinners, let me also point out that I always make it a point to pay for something during the evening.  Whether it’s cocktails before or after dinner, dessert at another stop along the date, or an entrance fee into a club, I make it clear that I’m not a user.


More to your point Duchess, it’s definitely the older men who refuse to let me pay a dime.  Maybe it’s because they are more established, or maybe it’s just better manners; you’ll definitely see more chivalry with an older generation.

Again, I’m not saying I expect a man to pay on a first date.  Look at it from their perspective – they just met you, probably think you’re attractive and want to get to know you.  You may very well be interested in him, but he doesn’t know that for sure.  How many times have we, as women, cozied up to a man at a bar just to get a free drink?  (Don’t pretend like you’ve never done it…) We’ve got no intention of taking it any further than a Skyy and soda.  Of course men are jaded!  But can you blame them?

I can’t say that there’s a right or a wrong – but maybe your miserable married friend can.  My two cents?  If you, (like me,) prefer a man who WANTS to provide for a woman, then don’t settle for one who doesn’t.

Remember: If you’d like to submit a question or funny story for the Mid-Week Meltdown, send an email to myvaginamonoblogs@gmail.com, with your name, age, gender, and a little something about yourself.  I try to answer all questions in a timely manner.