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Walking The Walk…

19 Oct

Often times as I’m constructing a new entry for My Vagina Monoblogs, I think to myself…”You know self, you think you’re pretty high and mighty, don’t you?  Hiding behind your lap top, (I’m a PC, by the way, but open-minded enough to give Apple a shot, for anyone so inclined to present me with a MacBook to change my mind,) entertaining the masses with your cutting remarks and witty commentary.”  (As you can see, even when thinking to myself, I take modesty very seriously.)

As I pondered this thought, I decided that if I was going to “talk the talk,” I’d better “walk the walk.” But how?  How could I prove to my audience that I’m not just as bad as all the people I critique?  Who is to say that I’m the authority on relationships?  What makes me an expert in the world of online dating?  (Other than 7 years of experience, of course…)

After careful contemplation, I came to the obvious conclusion that I am NOT the authority, and likely don’t qualify as an expert in anyone’s eyes but my own, (and maybe a few 35-year-olds who can’t even get laid as a character in World of Warcraft.)  In fact, what I AM is kind of rude – mocking these innocent men, when all they’ve done is taken an interest in me.  They put themselves out there, and in turn, I put them on blast.  These poor, unknowing, blameless fellows…

Right.

Anyway, I do feel that if I’m going to ridicule people for their dating techniques, emails, and profiles, I should at least give my readers the opportunity to ridicule me for mine.  (Or praise me for it, if you’re so inspired…)  So, here it is, in all its glory – the “About Me and Who I’m Looking For” section of my match.com profile:

About Me and Who I’m Looking For

Things I’ve learned from match. com…
1.) Every man here:
a. thinks they are honest, intelligent and/or funny…
b. “hates drama”
c. “loves to travel”
2.) If you don’t have a picture posted…there’s a very good reason for it.
3.) Winking is kind of a cop out…it’s like getting a girl’s number and then texting instead of calling.

You shouldn’t send me a message if:
1.) Your profile has less than 3 full sentences.
2.) You don’t know the difference between their, there, and they’re.
3.) You don’t have any pictures posted…please see above.
4.) You don’t live within a reasonable distance. …Virginia is not reasonable, nor is India.

That being said…
I’m just all about enjoying myself and who I’m with.  I have the attention span of a 4-year old, so I’m always looking for new ways to entertain myself.  I can literally have fun anywhere – and I do. It’s not easy finding someone who can keep up.

I’m pretty much over the whole clubbing-it-three-nights-a-week scene, but I definitely still go out with my friends.  I’m anything but a home-body. I’m down for going out anywhere that I don’t have to scream to have a conversation: “HI! YOUR NAME IS WHAT? MOE? No? BEAU? Ohhh…JOE! HI, NICE TO MEE…WHAT?? YOU WANT TO FIND A SINK? …OH! BUY ME A DRINK?” …doesn’t really seem very efficient to me.  I do love to get all dressed up though, so I’ll take any excuse to do that.

I’m a pretty outspoken person and I don’t apologize for who I am, (not that I need to!)  I can be kind of (read: really) sarcastic and some might even say abrasive…personally, I’d say that I just call it like it is.

I laugh at myself A LOT.  I’m not a stress-case; I take things in stride.  I don’t really see the point in getting upset over the little things…and most times, not the big things either.

As far as who I want to date…well, everyone has a right to be picky.  I’m into guys who can have a great time anywhere they are.  Humor is a given, I like to be around people who can crack me up – and laugh at themselves in the process.  I can be a big goofball, so you’ll definitely need to be able to laugh with me and often times AT me.

I like confident people, who value themselves…because if YOU don’t, well then…why would I bother?  Intelligent conversation is generally a priority – as opposed to mindless banter.  Don’t get me wrong, I love banter, as long as there’s something a bit more substantial to back it up.  Most importantly, I like a guy with a great attitude about life. I’m a really positive person, (almost to a fault!) so I’m not into Negative Ned or Debbie Downer (and yea…I really just said that.)

Also, I am a traditionalist with men; over-sensitivity is NOT my style…I’m not into guys who cry more than I do.

I like a guy’s guy, who isn’t afraid to make the first move and doesn’t think chivalry is dead — not that I need someone to take care of me, but it’s nice to be with someone who wants to.

An active lifestyle is very important to me – I’m not saying I won’t date a guy without a 6-pack and a track record of 1st place marathon wins, but I am saying that I’m only interested in people who like to be active and enjoy being outdoors.

As far as “relationships” are concerned…I’m not a subscriber to the theory that I need someone to complete me…I’m quite complete actually.  And my ideal “match” is someone who feels the same way.

In any case, I’m not someone who jumps into “serious relationships;” I’m just looking to meet people who want to have fun and see what happens from there.

Wow, that was lengthy…if you finished, I’m impressed. (That’s what she said.)

So…there you have it.  This is my little way to show you that I’m willing to “walk the walk.”  I hope you agree that I present myself to potential matches just the same as I convey myself here…honestly.

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Tact…Or A Lack Thereof

16 Oct

Occasionally (read: much too frequently,) I get match.com messages from men who I am not remotely attracted to in any way, shape or form.  While not every one of these men are altogether unattractive, per se; it’s just that I’m not attracted TO them.  However, some of them are…for the sake of diplomacy, let’s say “aesthetically unappealing.”

Now generally, I will simply ignore these messages completely.  Though this may sound rude, it actually allows them to save face, by affording the possibility that I may not have read the email at all.  (To clarify, you can create a Match profile for free, but you cannot access your inbox unless you are a paid subscriber.  Since there’s no way to tell who is a paying member and who’s just tooling around for free, unanswered messages can be a regular occurrence.)

That being said, I received a message recently from a match.com-er who can be most accurately described as a bald, slightly less attractive version of Phil Margera (father of Bam Margera – of Jackass fame,) seen here:

I’m illustrating his *ahem* “questionable” looks like not to wantonly make fun of him, but to set the scene for the following email chain between the ballsy Phil Margera Doppelganger (PMDG) and myself:

PMDG: LoL …. Wow! You should prepare yourself for being single… for quite a while…. LoL

Now…I’m pretty sure he’s being rude here, but I’m going to need some verification.

Me: I’m not sure if that’s a compliment or a put down.

PMDG: LoL …. re-read your profile babe!!! …. would/could you respond to your own profile? *YIKES* LoL

….

….

….sorry for the pause, I had to take a moment to pick my jaw up off the ground.

I’m not even going to start in with my “bad grammar is a pet peeve” speech, but I’m sure you’re cringing, just as I am, due to the nails-on-a-chalkboard combination of an over-used, clichéd acronym coupled with his sardonic reference to me using a pet name.  To insult me is one thing, but coming from the body double for a drunken sloppy Santa, and to have the gall to do so without being provoked, well that’s just mystifying.

 **If you’re wondering about my profile, and what I could have possibly written to warrant that reaction, check out this coming Monday’s blog; I’ll be sharing the content of it there.  For now, just know that I specifically indicate the type of person who I do NOT want to be contacted by.  Suffice it to say, Lieutenant Creeper was certainly on that list. **

Me: Funny…I seem to get plenty of responses to it, though I’m sure it doesn’t compare to the harem of women you attract.  You know, come to think of it, I suppose there is a reason that you don’t find it appealing.  My guess is that unless our communications could get you a surprise casting on To Catch a Predator, I’m not exactly your type.

Regardless, thanks for the random and uncalled for insult to my dating profile; without that, I might never have known that there really are people out there with such low caliber.  Your tact is impeccable

As you can imagine, I received no response.

Response Requested: An MVM Contest

8 Sep

When I logged into my Match.com inbox today, I immediately knew what to blog about.  Here is the message I woke up to:

Subject: (none)

Message: “hello how are u i like your pics lol nice”


Now, I know that I can sometimes be overly critical of these match.com-ers…but COME ON!  Where do I even begin here?

1. We ALL know how I feel about bad grammar, but this guy’s disregard for punctuation, capitalization, and general linguistic structure blows me away.

2. “LOL?” What are you laughing at?  My pictures? Is that a compliment?  I don’t understand.

3. Nice?  You’re nice? I’m nice? Who’s nice? WHAT is nice?  Certainly not your haphazard attempt at a pick-up line.

It’s not easy to render me speechless but I think this email nearly leaves me at a loss for words.

As opposed to ignoring the message altogether, I’d like to take suggestions on how to respond!   Comment on the blog with your ideas; I’ll choose one of your suggested responses and post the winning reply on Friday’s blog.

…This should be fun.


Remember: If you’d like to submit a question or funny story for the Mid-Week Meltdown, send an email to myvaginamonoblogs@gmail.com, with your name, age, gender, and a little something about yourself.  I try to answer all questions in a timely manner.

Come Again?

17 Aug

As I’ve generally got a pretty consistent influx of match.com-ers as well as “IRL” (in-real-life,) men, there is a definite need for weeding people out, especially at an early stage.  Screening is an important tool in any woman’s (or man’s) artillery.  Sharpen your screening skills and you’ll never have to waste another perfectly good Tuesday night realizing that your time would have been better spent rearranging your sock drawer.

I had my first phone conversation with a new match.com-er last week, who ran himself straight into No-Date-Land without any help from me.  During our conversation, we talked briefly about our professions, our interests, and other “getting acquainted” topics.  As I was short on time, we agreed to finish the conversation the next day, and possibly set up a date.  (My exact words were, “Let’s talk tomorrow, you can take the night to think about how you want to ask me out.” Brazen, I know, but sometimes men need a little push in the right direction…)

The next day, we exchanged a few texts, and he asked me what exactly I did for a living.  It struck me as odd, because I THOUGHT we’d covered this yesterday.  I gave him the benefit of the doubt because I often confuse the conversations I have, due to the aforementioned influx of men.  We texted a bit more, and he then asked what company I worked for.  Now THIS I was 100% positive that we covered.  Annoyed, I wrote back,

“We’ve discussed this.  You are the Sales Director for an Application Life-cycle Management Software company. For a salesperson, you don’t have very good listening skills.”

Now, YES, I realize that was a bit rude…but come on guy.  We literally talked about this 12 hours ago.  I know you’re older than me by a few years, but is Alzheimer’s already kicking in?  Here’s the conversation that followed:

Forgetful Fred: Give a brother a break! PLEASE! 🙂 MUAH!

(Sidebar: Ew. Writing MUAH in a text to a girl you haven’t even met?  You’re obviously trying to “sext,’ but aren’t very good at it.)

Me: I only give out information once…so you’ll probably want to tune in.

Forgetful Fred: U wrote it down!  I was on my cell phone and driving! LOL!

Me: Yea, as you may recall, I was also driving.

A couple things to note:

1.) Writing “LOL” is one of BIGGEST pet peeves, unless you are literally laughing out loud.  I had mentioned this to him not 24 hours prior to this text conversation.

2.) Honestly, if you can’t bother to pay attention to my end of the conversation, not to mention a question that YOU asked ME, you could at least fake it.  The fact that he was inattentive in our conversation is not only rude, but a huge turn-off.

3.) You were on a cell phone? Really?  That’s so weird and uncommon.  I should totally give you some slack because you must be new to this whole multi-tasking thing.  Imagine…driving AND talking on the phone?!?  That’s such an impressive feat, I shouldn’t have expected you to remember my NAME, much less any detail of our conversation.  My my my, the fact that you can even operate a cellular telephone is remarkable.  What a catch you must be.

Obviously, I’ll not be going out with this guy.  Though I suppose it wouldn’t matter if I did, he’d likely forget it by morning.

Remember: If you’d like to submit a question or funny story for the Mid-Week Meltdown, send an email to myvaginamonoblogs@gmail.com, with your name, age, gender, and a little something about yourself.  I try to answer all questions in a timely manner.

Mid-Week Meltdown: Which Site Is Right?

29 Jul

This week’s question comes to us from a 30-something single man, who is ready to dive into the world of online dating.

Dear MVM,

I’ve decided to (finally) join an online dating site.  There are so many different dating sites out there; just looking at the options makes my head spin!  I’m new to this online dating scene, so how do I know which site is right for me?

Sincerely,

Online Dating Rookie

Dear Rookie of the Year,

This is a fantastic question!  First of all, good for you for deciding to be proactive about your dating life.  Moreover, it’s impressive that you want to do a little research before you begin.  In my opinion, there are three basic levels of dating sites.  They are as follows:

1.) Craigslist’s “Casual Encounters,” Adult Friend Finder, Date Hookup, etc:

Let’s be honest – these types of sites are for the lonely and horny.  On some of them, you can literally place an ad that says “Looking to hook up tonight.”  If you want instant gratification, this is the site for you.  If you’re looking for a quality partner, steer clear.

Men’s view: I want to get laid.  This is the cheapest and easiest way to do it, and I’ll tell all my friends about it afterward.

Women’s view: I want to get laid.  This is the fastest way to make it happen – but I’ll never tell a soul that I actually used this site.

My view: You may as well call these sites: “iwannahavesexrightnow.com.”  I understand the concept behind it, but I personally couldn’t fathom using any of these sites.  To each their own, I suppose. Just remember to wrap it up people.

2.) Match, Plenty of Fish, Chemistry, Fitness Singles, etc:

These sites are used by (and blanket marketed towards,) the majority of singles.  From early 20’s to senior citizen’s, these sites have it all.  There are tons of these sites out there, some that are geared towards a specific niche, like Fitness Singles, and some that focus on certain types of relationships, like Sugar Daddies or Established Men.  The premise is always the same; you are “matched up” with people based on your profile.  In all reality though, you basically peruse pictures until you see someone you find attractive, check their stats to see if they fit your basic requirements – age, height, smoking preference, etc, and scan their profile to verify that they can write complete sentences.

Men’s view: I want to get laid. I might have to pay a small fee for the service, but it’s the same thing as buying drinks at the bar.

Women’s view: I want a screening tool for meeting men; I’m hoping to find my soulmate, but I’ll settle for a nice dinner.  I’m sick of meeting guys who can’t commit and if a guy is on a dating site, he MUST be interested in a relationship…

My view: These are the semi-serious sites.  Personally, I think it’s a great way to screen and meet single men.  I call these “lotsofdates.com,” but then again, I’ve never had a bad experience.

3.) EHarmony, Christian Dating Sites, etc

I tried EHarmony once, during a “Free Communication” weekend.  The premise here is that you take personality tests, and you actually get matched based on different levels of your personality.  (Crazy concept, I know!) You can’t just go looking through profiles – EHarmony has to match you based on your results.  The process is slow-moving; there are several required emails and sets of questions to be answered before you actually meet the person.

**I had one man tell me that women on EHarmony are “about 7 years older and 15 lbs heavier,” than women on Match…but I’ll make no comment on that matter.**

Men’s view: I want to get laid.  Yea, I wouldn’t mind a relationship, as long as getting laid is part of the deal.

Women’s view: This is serious.  I’m ready to not only be in a committed relationship, but my biological clock is a-ticking and I’m ready to pop out some babies.  If a man is on EHarmony, I’m assuming he’s ready to settle down.

My View: I call this site, “iwanttogetmarriedandmakebabies.com.”   ‘Nuff said.  I don’t have the patience for their matching process and I’m definitely not in an EHarmony state of mind.

**Sidebar: EHarmony also does not allow same sex matching.  Personally, I boycott them for this reason.  I’m not into discrimination, not to mention all the spiritual overtones of the site.**

So Rookie, there you have it.  No matter what site you choose, give it some time.  Many people try these sites for a month, have one bad experience and write off online dating altogether.  That’s akin to me saying that I had one bad experience meeting a guy in the library, so I’m swearing off libraries for all eternity.  To get the hang of the online dating thing, I’d say you need to give a good three months.

…Then again, a friend of mine recently joined an online dating site, met a guy within the first 2 weeks, and ended up canceling her membership not two weeks later, as the guy she met is basically a dreamboat.  Let’s remember though…stories like that are always the exception, not the rule.

Dating Sites Debunked,

MVM

Remember: If you’d like to submit a question or funny story for the Mid-Week Meltdown, send an email to myvaginamonoblogs@gmail.com, with your name, age, gender, and a little something about yourself.  I try to answer all questions in a timely manner.

Mid-Week Meltdown: Our Little Secret

15 Jul

This weeks question comes to us from a 26 yr old man, who has recently started online dating.

Dear MVM,

What do you do when you meet someone online and they don’t want people to know that’s how you met?

Sincerely,

Sworn To Secrecy Stud

Dear Secret Stud,

My answer to this question is simple and, (as usual,) blunt.  If someone isn’t comfortable saying they’re using an online dating service, they shouldn’t be using it.

Think about it this way: let’s say you met at church.  Would she be embarrassed to say she met you there?  Probably not, because if she’s a church-goer, she identifies that as a part of who she is. She would probably be proud of that fact, right?  What about if you met in a sports bar?  She probably wouldn’t feel the need to lie about that either.  Granted, she’s probably not bragging about it to all her friends or shouting it from the rooftops – but she’d still be okay with it.

So why then wouldn’t she want people to know you met online?  Is she ashamed of the fact that she’s on match.com or EHarmony, or some other dating site?  Seems to me that if she’s comfortable hiding that part of her life from friends and family who are near and dear to her, she’s probably comfortable hiding lots of other things…especially from some guy she just met…online, for goodness’ sakes! (Her words, not mine buddy.)

Or, how about this scenario?  You end up dating, “falling in love,” getting married, etc.  Are you really going to base that whole relationship on a lie?  “Yes kids, that’s right, mommy and daddy met at the end of a rainbow, under a golden sun, in a field filled with bunnies and frolicking deer…” Yea, that sounds like a healthy relationship.

For me, it’s black and white (RIP M.J.) It’s like teenagers having unprotected sex because they are too embarrassed to go buy condoms.  If you’re not mature enough to pick up some prophylactics, you’re not mature enough to be having sex.  The same goes for this situation.  If she’s not mature enough to tell people she met you online, she’s probably not mature enough for a relationship.  The reason online dating still has a stigma is because of girls (yes, girls, not women…apparently this is one of the differentiators between the two,) like this.

My two cents?  Suck it up Sally.  Online dating isn’t just for hermits and Trekkies anymore.  You’re not just lying to other people, you’re lying to yourself.

Abrasive as Always,

MVM

Remember: If you’d like to submit a question or funny story for the Mid-Week Meltdown, send an email to myvaginamonoblogs@gmail.com, with your name, age, gender, and a little something about yourself.  I try to answer all questions in a timely manner.

Should I Stay Or Should I Go Now?

10 Jul

Due to several requests, I wanted to give everyone an update on the “Busted” situation.  (If you’re confused, check out Wednesday’s blog.)

I spoke with Moto Man Wednesday evening and found out that I was apparently sitting TWO tables away from him that night.  He was in a group of six or so people and I was (apparently) completely oblivious to his presence.  When I asked why he didn’t come over and say hi, he just laughed at me – as we both knew the answer to the question.  I assumed that he wasn’t upset about the situation because he didn’t question me whatsoever.  In fact, though he wasn’t able to keep our plans for Wednesday night, he asked me to the Drive In for Thursday evening.

I debated all day on how to handle the situation – should I bring it up?  Do I let him bring it up?  Do we just let it go?  I finally decided I’d just play it by ear and try to gauge his stance on the matter by his demeanor on our date.

He picked me up, and it was like nothing had happened.  We had a great time at the movies and I began to wonder if he was avoiding the topic or if he just didn’t care.  Then, on the drive home, it came out.

Moto Man: I have a question…but well…have you ever had a question that you WANT to ask, and you REALLY want to know the answer to…but you don’t know if you’ll like the answer?

Me: Yes.  However, if it were me, I’d just have to get it over with.  I don’t like being uninformed.

Moto Man: Well, here’s the thing.  It’s a double-edged sword.  If I get the answer that I WANT to hear, I don’t think I’d believe it anyway.  I’d think, “Oh, she’s just saying that to avoid hurting my feelings.”  But, if I get the answer that I DON’T want to hear…well then…my feelings get hurt.  So either way, it’s not good.

Me: I see your point.  Let me just say this: if there is a question you’d like to ask me, regardless of the subject matter, I promise to answer honestly and to the best of my ability.  That being said, do you have a question you’d like to ask me?

Moto Man: <Pause> No.

Me: Okay.  Well, when you do, let me know.

So, I guess that’s that.  He obviously knows I’m seeing other people and probably knows that that’s not going to change anytime in the near future.  My dilemma now?  Do I let it continue on if I know that he’s getting attached?

You may be wondering why I don’t just stop seeing him, since I don’t foresee a real relationship developing.  And, while there are several qualities of his that I really do like (his rugged good looks, quirkiness, ultra-masculinity, etc,) if I’m totally honest…it’s the physical chemistry that keeps me coming back.  He basically makes me weak in the knees, and I’m too selfish to give that up.

I guess the moral controversy here is this: if he knows my stance on this whole “relationship” business, but continues to date me anyway, is the onus on him if he gets hurt?  Or, is it my responsibility to be the bigger person and shut it down right now, to save future heartache?

To quote The Clash, Should I Stay Or Should I Go Now?