Archive | July, 2009

Rolling With The Punches

31 Jul

Sometimes things just don’t turn out as you planned.   People flake, events get canceled, plans change.  How you deal with the unexpected is the fun part.

Last night, I went to a comedy show that a friend of mine runs here in San Diego, (you can check him out at http://malhall.com.)  I had organized a group of about six people, including myself, to meet at the show.  A girlfriend of mine picked me up and as were driving to the show, I got a text from one of my friends saying that she couldn’t make the show, but she’d meet up for a drink afterward.  Slight change, but it didn’t really affect my plans.  As we were parking the car, I got a call from my friend saying that his group of three couldn’t make it to the show either, but to let them know where to meet up after the show.  Okay, no big deal…a few less people, I’d still have Jackie, the friend I drove with, and a great comedy show to boot.

At the entrance of the club, I handed my ID to the bouncer as Jackie rooted around in her purse for hers.   (Ladies, we’ve all been there.  Guys, you’ve seen women do this before…they reach their arm so far deep in their purse, it looks like they’re slowly being eaten by the purse anaconda until they pull their arm out triumphantly, ID in hand, victorious in their hunt.)  We were running a bit late and I was waiting (im)patiently while Jackie played the “where’s my wallet?” game, (much different than the “hide the sausage” game, but the goal is the same – pull it out in time.)  After a few minutes of this, her hand emerged from the purse, defeated, as she realized that she’d forgotten her ID at home…forty miles north of the comedy club.

We decided she’d head home to pick up her ID and she (along with the rest of my crew,) would meet up after the show.

Not being one to let a little snafu ruin my evening, I went into the club and started mingling with some people in the audience.  By the time the show started, I had a few new friends and a drink in hand.  The comedians were hilarious, as per Mal Hall’s usual lineup.  One comic in particular was so funny that I decided I’d have to chat him up after his set.

As I cozied up to the bar to get a refill, (Guinness, if you’re wondering,) I spotted The Comedian and started up some casual conversation.  We not only clicked immediately, but we were cracking each other up for the next twenty minutes.  (He’s a professional comedian, so that can be expected on his part.  As for me…well, I guess I’m just that awesome…and, as clearly illustrated here, overwhelmingly modest.)

During a pause in the conversation, I checked my phone only to find texts from ALL of my friends saying that they weren’t going to make it out, for various reasons.  I laughed out loud, (“LOL” if you only speak text,) and filled The Comedian in on the reason for my outburst.

Now, some might have looked at this night like a bust, with all my friends canceling on me, not only once, but twice, in one evening.  Some people would have called it a night and headed home disappointed.  Me? I looked at it as an opportunity.  Here I was, having a great time with a hilarious (and adorable,) guy, with no obligations for the rest of the night!  So…what did we do?  We went on a date of course.

We had a drink, went to a nearby lounge to grab some dinner, then talked and laughed the night away.  In fact, it was kind of an incredible date, he pointed out several times how much we “clicked” and how fun we were together.  As we parted ways at the end of the night, he asked my favorite question…

“So, when do I get to see you again?”

We made plans for next week and I JUST might have gotten an invitation to be his date for an upcoming guest spot on one of my favorite late night talk shows!

I’m sharing this story not just to toot my own horn, (though, come on….toot toot,) but because I think there’s an underlying lesson here.  Instead of letting a change in plans get you down or keep you from enjoying yourself, roll with the punches.  Life is a lot more fun that way.

Remember: If you’d like to submit a question or funny story for the Mid-Week Meltdown, send an email to myvaginamonoblogs@gmail.com, with your name, age, gender, and a little something about yourself.  I try to answer all questions in a timely manner.

Mid-Week Meltdown: Which Site Is Right?

29 Jul

This week’s question comes to us from a 30-something single man, who is ready to dive into the world of online dating.

Dear MVM,

I’ve decided to (finally) join an online dating site.  There are so many different dating sites out there; just looking at the options makes my head spin!  I’m new to this online dating scene, so how do I know which site is right for me?

Sincerely,

Online Dating Rookie

Dear Rookie of the Year,

This is a fantastic question!  First of all, good for you for deciding to be proactive about your dating life.  Moreover, it’s impressive that you want to do a little research before you begin.  In my opinion, there are three basic levels of dating sites.  They are as follows:

1.) Craigslist’s “Casual Encounters,” Adult Friend Finder, Date Hookup, etc:

Let’s be honest – these types of sites are for the lonely and horny.  On some of them, you can literally place an ad that says “Looking to hook up tonight.”  If you want instant gratification, this is the site for you.  If you’re looking for a quality partner, steer clear.

Men’s view: I want to get laid.  This is the cheapest and easiest way to do it, and I’ll tell all my friends about it afterward.

Women’s view: I want to get laid.  This is the fastest way to make it happen – but I’ll never tell a soul that I actually used this site.

My view: You may as well call these sites: “iwannahavesexrightnow.com.”  I understand the concept behind it, but I personally couldn’t fathom using any of these sites.  To each their own, I suppose. Just remember to wrap it up people.

2.) Match, Plenty of Fish, Chemistry, Fitness Singles, etc:

These sites are used by (and blanket marketed towards,) the majority of singles.  From early 20’s to senior citizen’s, these sites have it all.  There are tons of these sites out there, some that are geared towards a specific niche, like Fitness Singles, and some that focus on certain types of relationships, like Sugar Daddies or Established Men.  The premise is always the same; you are “matched up” with people based on your profile.  In all reality though, you basically peruse pictures until you see someone you find attractive, check their stats to see if they fit your basic requirements – age, height, smoking preference, etc, and scan their profile to verify that they can write complete sentences.

Men’s view: I want to get laid. I might have to pay a small fee for the service, but it’s the same thing as buying drinks at the bar.

Women’s view: I want a screening tool for meeting men; I’m hoping to find my soulmate, but I’ll settle for a nice dinner.  I’m sick of meeting guys who can’t commit and if a guy is on a dating site, he MUST be interested in a relationship…

My view: These are the semi-serious sites.  Personally, I think it’s a great way to screen and meet single men.  I call these “lotsofdates.com,” but then again, I’ve never had a bad experience.

3.) EHarmony, Christian Dating Sites, etc

I tried EHarmony once, during a “Free Communication” weekend.  The premise here is that you take personality tests, and you actually get matched based on different levels of your personality.  (Crazy concept, I know!) You can’t just go looking through profiles – EHarmony has to match you based on your results.  The process is slow-moving; there are several required emails and sets of questions to be answered before you actually meet the person.

**I had one man tell me that women on EHarmony are “about 7 years older and 15 lbs heavier,” than women on Match…but I’ll make no comment on that matter.**

Men’s view: I want to get laid.  Yea, I wouldn’t mind a relationship, as long as getting laid is part of the deal.

Women’s view: This is serious.  I’m ready to not only be in a committed relationship, but my biological clock is a-ticking and I’m ready to pop out some babies.  If a man is on EHarmony, I’m assuming he’s ready to settle down.

My View: I call this site, “iwanttogetmarriedandmakebabies.com.”   ‘Nuff said.  I don’t have the patience for their matching process and I’m definitely not in an EHarmony state of mind.

**Sidebar: EHarmony also does not allow same sex matching.  Personally, I boycott them for this reason.  I’m not into discrimination, not to mention all the spiritual overtones of the site.**

So Rookie, there you have it.  No matter what site you choose, give it some time.  Many people try these sites for a month, have one bad experience and write off online dating altogether.  That’s akin to me saying that I had one bad experience meeting a guy in the library, so I’m swearing off libraries for all eternity.  To get the hang of the online dating thing, I’d say you need to give a good three months.

…Then again, a friend of mine recently joined an online dating site, met a guy within the first 2 weeks, and ended up canceling her membership not two weeks later, as the guy she met is basically a dreamboat.  Let’s remember though…stories like that are always the exception, not the rule.

Dating Sites Debunked,

MVM

Remember: If you’d like to submit a question or funny story for the Mid-Week Meltdown, send an email to myvaginamonoblogs@gmail.com, with your name, age, gender, and a little something about yourself.  I try to answer all questions in a timely manner.

Fishing In The Company Pond

27 Jul

There are plenty of fish in the sea; we’ve covered that before.  Today I want to talk about some amateur fishing I did this weekend, but let’s first talk about our different fishing locales, the terminology we’ll use, and what those terms mean.

1.) The sea: all the men/women in the whole wide world.

2.) Overseas: men/women who literally live across a sea.  If you’re in the US, this could be Asia, Europe, Australia, etc.  Fishing overseas is fun, but be sure to catch and release, or you might end up swimming across the ocean just to find out you’re not into salt water after all.

3.) A lake: men/women who live in your general vicinity.  Southern California, for example, is my lake.  These “fish” are close enough that you can have a relationship of convenience with them, but not so close that you’ll have to see them on a daily basis.  Fishing in your lake is ideal – you can dock your boat now and then, but there are fresh fish everywhere you go.

4.) A river: men/women who are not here to stay.  These “fish” might be vacationing in your lake, or in town for business at your pond.  They may come and go occasionally, but the likelihood is that they’ll leave with the current.

5.) A pond: men/women who you see (voluntarily or otherwise,) on a weekly, if not daily, basis.  The most common type of pond is the “company pond,” but can also refer to groups of friends (though this can sometimes be a puddle,) professional societies, classes, etc.

6.) A puddle: men/women who you are attached to through numerous circles – close friends, shared department at work, social clubs, etc.

Now, let’s talk about where we SHOULD and SHOULDN’T be fishing.

Obviously, the “numero uno” no-no is fishing in your puddle.  Let’s be logical here…of course it’s easy to fish in a puddle, you throw some bait in and something will bite; that’s for sure.  However, you can only fit SO many fish in one puddle.  If you make it a habit, people will soon realize that your bait is no good.  Now you’re stuck with a bunch of fish swimming in your puddle, who you not only have no use for, but who think your bait stinks… Unless you puddle jump right out of there, you’ll have to live with the stigma of stinky bait. So know this – if you’re going to fish in your own puddle, you’d better snag the grade A salmon and know how to keep it fresh…

Another big faux pas is fishing in the company pond.  I’ve always been a proponent of staying as far away as possible from the company pond.  Much like puddle-fishing, it begs to muddy up your water.  Recently, I made this mistake.  I went to an event where there were QUITE a few company fish, who were all drinking straight from the fish bowl, if you know what I mean.  Everyone got a bit rowdy, and I might have (read: DID,) put the bait on the line, so to speak.  Well, as luck would have it, an eager fish took the bait, and though we weren’t exactly swimming upstream together…many people at the party saw our “fishy faces.”

As a result, not only are several of the people I work with constantly teasing me, but until the next gossip-worthy happening takes place, this story lingers at the water cooler.  Though this particular fish was adorable, it doesn’t constitute any more company-wide fishing.  It’s not like I’m sprinting from my car to my desk every morning, but I definitely avoid going to certain floors of my building unless absolutely necessary.

Lesson learned?  Your pond might seem like a big one, but the dry season can come sooner than you expect…and next thing you know there’s a lot less water for you to hide in.

Remember: If you’d like to submit a question or funny story for the Mid-Week Meltdown, send an email to myvaginamonoblogs@gmail.com, with your name, age, gender, and a little something about yourself.  I try to answer all questions in a timely manner.

Mid-Week Meltdown: Our Little Secret

15 Jul

This weeks question comes to us from a 26 yr old man, who has recently started online dating.

Dear MVM,

What do you do when you meet someone online and they don’t want people to know that’s how you met?

Sincerely,

Sworn To Secrecy Stud

Dear Secret Stud,

My answer to this question is simple and, (as usual,) blunt.  If someone isn’t comfortable saying they’re using an online dating service, they shouldn’t be using it.

Think about it this way: let’s say you met at church.  Would she be embarrassed to say she met you there?  Probably not, because if she’s a church-goer, she identifies that as a part of who she is. She would probably be proud of that fact, right?  What about if you met in a sports bar?  She probably wouldn’t feel the need to lie about that either.  Granted, she’s probably not bragging about it to all her friends or shouting it from the rooftops – but she’d still be okay with it.

So why then wouldn’t she want people to know you met online?  Is she ashamed of the fact that she’s on match.com or EHarmony, or some other dating site?  Seems to me that if she’s comfortable hiding that part of her life from friends and family who are near and dear to her, she’s probably comfortable hiding lots of other things…especially from some guy she just met…online, for goodness’ sakes! (Her words, not mine buddy.)

Or, how about this scenario?  You end up dating, “falling in love,” getting married, etc.  Are you really going to base that whole relationship on a lie?  “Yes kids, that’s right, mommy and daddy met at the end of a rainbow, under a golden sun, in a field filled with bunnies and frolicking deer…” Yea, that sounds like a healthy relationship.

For me, it’s black and white (RIP M.J.) It’s like teenagers having unprotected sex because they are too embarrassed to go buy condoms.  If you’re not mature enough to pick up some prophylactics, you’re not mature enough to be having sex.  The same goes for this situation.  If she’s not mature enough to tell people she met you online, she’s probably not mature enough for a relationship.  The reason online dating still has a stigma is because of girls (yes, girls, not women…apparently this is one of the differentiators between the two,) like this.

My two cents?  Suck it up Sally.  Online dating isn’t just for hermits and Trekkies anymore.  You’re not just lying to other people, you’re lying to yourself.

Abrasive as Always,

MVM

Remember: If you’d like to submit a question or funny story for the Mid-Week Meltdown, send an email to myvaginamonoblogs@gmail.com, with your name, age, gender, and a little something about yourself.  I try to answer all questions in a timely manner.

Look-A-Like

13 Jul

I had a another match.com first date last week that really threw me for a loop.

I’d emailed back and forth with this new guy a few times and we decided to meet up for a drink.  As part of my pre-date ritual, I generally review the guy’s profile to remind myself of his stats – what he does for a living, where he’s from, shared interests, and any other possible conversation topics.  (It’s kind of like cramming for an exam – you cram your mind full of info and then dump it all out in a 2 hour period, likely never to remember it again.)

As I clicked through his pictures, I noted how oddly familiar he looked.  I knew we hadn’t been out on a date before (or I was pretty sure of it anyway,) but he looked SO familiar that I thought maybe we’d met through friends or seen each other in passing at some point.  I figured it would come to me eventually, and so I headed out for the date.

As we shared a bottle of wine, I was going crazy trying to figure where we’d met or who it was that he looked like.  And then it hit me.  He was the spitting image of one of my high school teachers, (who, by the way, I shared a love-hate relationship with…as in, we loved to hate each other.  I think at one point I may have been marked down just for showing up to class; in turn I created posters with his face on various evil characters’ bodies.)  The point is, my Look-A-Like date could have been this guy’s twin brother.

From that point on, that’s all I could see.  I tried desperately to listen to what he was saying and be involved in the conversation, but all I could see was this teacher staring back at me, marking me down for tardiness or calling me out for my incessant chatter.  It was driving me so crazy, in fact, that I had to excuse myself to secretly post a Facebook message (via my cell phone,) on my old teacher’s Wall.

The thing is, I’m sure Look-A-Like is a nice guy.  In fact, before I made the connection, we’d had great conversation and things were going just fine.  After my epiphany however, it was all over.

As he walked me home that night, I knew I’d never go out with him again.

The next day I got a Facebook response from my teacher that said this:

“Sorry to hear that. Though ACTUALLY, I find it poetic justice if you end up really liking this guy.”

Quite fitting really.

Should I Stay Or Should I Go Now?

10 Jul

Due to several requests, I wanted to give everyone an update on the “Busted” situation.  (If you’re confused, check out Wednesday’s blog.)

I spoke with Moto Man Wednesday evening and found out that I was apparently sitting TWO tables away from him that night.  He was in a group of six or so people and I was (apparently) completely oblivious to his presence.  When I asked why he didn’t come over and say hi, he just laughed at me – as we both knew the answer to the question.  I assumed that he wasn’t upset about the situation because he didn’t question me whatsoever.  In fact, though he wasn’t able to keep our plans for Wednesday night, he asked me to the Drive In for Thursday evening.

I debated all day on how to handle the situation – should I bring it up?  Do I let him bring it up?  Do we just let it go?  I finally decided I’d just play it by ear and try to gauge his stance on the matter by his demeanor on our date.

He picked me up, and it was like nothing had happened.  We had a great time at the movies and I began to wonder if he was avoiding the topic or if he just didn’t care.  Then, on the drive home, it came out.

Moto Man: I have a question…but well…have you ever had a question that you WANT to ask, and you REALLY want to know the answer to…but you don’t know if you’ll like the answer?

Me: Yes.  However, if it were me, I’d just have to get it over with.  I don’t like being uninformed.

Moto Man: Well, here’s the thing.  It’s a double-edged sword.  If I get the answer that I WANT to hear, I don’t think I’d believe it anyway.  I’d think, “Oh, she’s just saying that to avoid hurting my feelings.”  But, if I get the answer that I DON’T want to hear…well then…my feelings get hurt.  So either way, it’s not good.

Me: I see your point.  Let me just say this: if there is a question you’d like to ask me, regardless of the subject matter, I promise to answer honestly and to the best of my ability.  That being said, do you have a question you’d like to ask me?

Moto Man: <Pause> No.

Me: Okay.  Well, when you do, let me know.

So, I guess that’s that.  He obviously knows I’m seeing other people and probably knows that that’s not going to change anytime in the near future.  My dilemma now?  Do I let it continue on if I know that he’s getting attached?

You may be wondering why I don’t just stop seeing him, since I don’t foresee a real relationship developing.  And, while there are several qualities of his that I really do like (his rugged good looks, quirkiness, ultra-masculinity, etc,) if I’m totally honest…it’s the physical chemistry that keeps me coming back.  He basically makes me weak in the knees, and I’m too selfish to give that up.

I guess the moral controversy here is this: if he knows my stance on this whole “relationship” business, but continues to date me anyway, is the onus on him if he gets hurt?  Or, is it my responsibility to be the bigger person and shut it down right now, to save future heartache?

To quote The Clash, Should I Stay Or Should I Go Now?

Busted

8 Jul

We’re going to have to fore go the Mid-Week Meltdown this week because something much more pressing has come up.  We’ll resume our regularly scheduled programming next week, because you’ve GOT to hear about the catastrophic event that happened last night.

Let me begin by saying that I have a confession to make.  You may recall Motorcycle Man, from such blogs as “Mr Let’s Make This Happen,” “Motorcycle Man,” and “Nesting, It’s Not OK.” To sum up, I basically said that I planned to cut him out of the cycle, for several reasons.  …And, well…I tried, but just couldn’t pull the trigger.  Every time I tried, he’d do something sweet or get me in a lip lock that left me wanting more.  Long story short, he’s still in rotation.  In fact, I hadn’t been on any new first dates in a hot minute.  …Until this week.

Last night’s date was with The Professor (in case that’s not self-explanatory enough for you, he’s a college professor.)  We’ve been talking for a week or two and click on pretty much every level.  We “get” each other, so to speak, especially in the humor department.  In fact, for our date, I tested the waters a bit and asked him to a drag queen show, just to see if he could hang.  And readers…hang he did.  He not only willingly agreed to the drag show, but even actively participated!! (Any guy who put a dollar down a lady-man’s panties is a winner in my book.)

After two hours of glittery bustiers and uncomfortably attractive fishnets, we headed over to The Red Fox Room (a divey jazz piano bar that we both like,) for a drink or two.  We had a great time, talked about a random assortment of topics, and both agreed that we’d “just have to go out again, considering that we had absolutely nothing in common, and just can’t stand each others company.”  (Dripping with sarcasm? No, not at all.)

As we left the bar, I noticed two texts on my cell:

Moto Man: How’s the piano player?

Moto Man: She needs voice lessons.

I had no idea what he was talking about, so I texted back: What piano player needs voice lessons?! I put my phone away just as The Professor came back from the bathroom, and we headed back to my place.

I invited him up for a few minutes, (since he’d been drinking and had a 20 minute drive back to his place.)  He ended up hanging out for an hour or so, and before we knew it, it was 2:30 in the morning.  (Don’t get any ideas, it was mostly showing off my dog’s tricks and talking about Flight of The Conchords.)

After I walked him out, I checked my cell phone, only to find this unbelievable text awaiting my recognition:

Moto Man: Red Fox Room.  You looked right at me.

Busted.

Have you ever seen a cartoon where the character’s jaw literally drops to the ground?  If that was physically possible, that’s exactly what I’d have done.  For once, I was utterly speechless.  Maybe now I understand that line from Casablanca, “Of all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world, she walks into mine.”  Change that ‘she’ to a ‘he’ and it’s dead on.

While contemplating the reality of the situation, I realized there were a few things that made this situation particularly surprising.

1.) Moto Man lives 20 minutes south of my house.  This bar is less than a mile from my place.

2.) We almost didn’t go to The Red Fox Room – in fact, some of the “ladies” in the show invited us out with them, but we decided to pass at the last minute.

3.) It was a TUESDAY night.  I mean, really?  Tuesday at 11PM.  What are the odds?

4.) I honestly didn’t see him.  Did I really walk right past him and not notice??

Oh…and one more:

5.) It was a full moon.  (I’m not getting all sci-fi on you…but you have to admit…it’s a little weird.)

After my brief moments of shock, I decided to play it off and texted back with: I definitely didn’t see you.  Why didn’t you come over?

I thought to myself, maybe I can get away with this… It’s not like I was holding hands or flirting overtly with The Professor, right?  I mean, I could’ve just been out with a friend.

…It was only then that I realized I was texting him back at 2:45AM, after he’d seen my leave the bar with another guy, over an hour before then.

Busted.

In my defense, clear lines were never drawn.  Moto Man is quite aware of my aversion to relationships and commitment; I’m sure he had a hunch that I was seeing other people, though it was never discussed. I’ve come to my senses and realize that I’ll need to be honest with him; I’ve always told myself that if it ever came up, I would do so anyhow.

I guess we’ll see what happens, considering that I’ve got plans with Moto Man this evening…assuming they still stand.