Archive | June, 2009

Settling Vs Settling Down

5 Jun

People ask me all the time, do you date because you want to find someone to settle down with, or do you date just to date?

I don’t think the answer to that can be as black-and-white as the question…

Do I like to date?  Yes. First dates are SO much fun!

1.) I get to try a new restaurant, or go back to an old favorite

2.) I get to talk about myself – and who doesn’t love talking about themselves?  (Come on, be honest.  It’s a proven fact that the two things people like hearing most in the world are 1.) Their own name and 2.) The sound of their own voice.)

3.) I not only get to meet someone new, but I get all the excitement, anticipation, and nerves that come along with a first date.  It’s like being on stage – there’s just no other feeling like it.

So, okay, I like dating more than most people.  But, am I OPPOSED to finding “the one?”  Not necessarily. However, am I desperately searching for him, clinging to anything that resembles a decent man? No.

I feel like SO many women are so eager to get married and have babies, that they will latch on to any man they can so they can live out this plan (aka fairytale,) that’s been ingrained in us since we were little girls.  “Girl meets boy, they fall in love, boy and girl get married, have babies, and the cycle repeats.”

Though what we are TRYING to do is “settle down,” a lot of times we just end up “settling.” The difference is gargantuan, yet each can be so easily mistaken for the other.  (It’s like eating a frozen pizza because you couldn’t wait for the delivery guy from that great Italian restaurant to show up with the real thing…they’ll both fill you up, but only one will leave you satisfied.)

I saw a PostSecret (if you’ve never seen PostSecret, check it out – http://postsecret.com) postcard yesterday that sums up my sentiment about “settling down.”  It said: “I fear that I will settle so I won’t be alone.”

What I’m trying to say is, contrary to popular belief, I’m not actually scared of commitment…I’m just scared of committing to the wrong person.  In other words, if I’m gonna eat pizza, I want a slice of thin crust New York style pizza with The Works.

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Priorities

3 Jun

Every once in awhile, it’s important to do a little cleansing.  Cleaning out your closet, clearing out your email inbox, deleting old numbers from your cell phone, it all has to be done every so often.  Inevitably, this applies to dating as well.

Since there are only so many hours in a day, days in a week, weeks in a month, and so on, once your schedule starts getting a little too hectic, it’s time to start phasing people out. Now, some people fall through the cracks or phase themselves out, which is all part of a sort of “natural selection,” process.  Others need a bit of coaxing or maybe even a gentle push (…or even  a swift kick in the ass,) to get fully expelled from the dating cycle.

I met a guy a few months ago at a karaoke bar, and have been seeing him intermittently since then.  (He was blown away by my rendition of Spice Girls, “Wannabe.'”)  We’ve been on several dates, have a pretty good time together, and always have a fun back-and-forth during our conversations.  He’s fun, I’m fun, we have fun together, you get the idea.

The last few times he’s asked me out, I just haven’t had time to get together.  Whether it was because of another date, spending time with friends, or some other social commitment, our schedules just didn’t match up.  Though I felt bad about not making more of an effort to squeeze him in, something dawned upon me.

You make time for the things that are important to you. For example, I have an “inner circle” of friends, who I am never too busy for.  Sure, I might not see or talk to them every single day, but I make a point to spend time with them nearly very time I have the opportunity, and would do about anything to be there for the important stuff (i.e. a themed pub crawl…obviously a priority.)

When someone says, “I just don’t have time…” what it really means is, I don’t care enough to make time.  Think about it – we spend our time doing the things that are highest on our list of priorities, whether or not we realize it.  On a weekly basis, do you take time to go to the gym or work out, have a drink with friends, or take your dog for a walk?  If it’s important to you, you do.

You don’t hear people going around saying, ‘I didn’t eat or sleep this week, I just didn’t have time.”  These things are priorities, so we make sure to do them everyday.  (Sidebar: If you do hear people saying that, by the way, you might want to ask about their “recreational practices,” and think about scheduling a intervention…)

After pondering this for awhile, I realized that if I hadn’t made time for this guy in the last two weeks, I must not really care that much about him.  (I spend more time prospecting for new dates than trying to find time to see him.)  Hence, the phase out.

Based on how I spend my time, I found that this list is a good representation of my priorities:

1.) Working (8 hours a day, 5 days a week, and answering emails on the weekend? It may not be glamorous, but it’s where I spend the biggest portion of time.)

2.) Friends (Talking to them, lunch-ing with them, going out with them, etc.)

3.) Working out (Biking, hiking, doing ridiculous Step Aerobics with my flamboyant instructor Paco, etc)

4.) Technology (Facebook, Twitter, Texting, WordPress Blog, Email, etc…I’m addicted and not afraid to admit it.)

5.) Dating (Yea…I don’t think I need to expand on this one…though I should note that lately I’ve been seeing a lot more of one person than the others – but more on that later.)

This does pose a good question though – and it’s not “how am I going to phase this guy out?” I’ll take care of that with a simple “Peace and Good Luck” text (please see last Friday’s blog…)

Take a good look at where you spend your time, and ask yourself, based on where and how you spend your time, what are you YOUR priorities?