Archive | June, 2009

Match Message Madness

26 Jun

As you know from previous blogs, I really do love the concept of online dating – being able to screen and sort people before you decide to go out with them is a huge bonus.  Due to this screening process,  I can avoid having to meet people who I know I’m not into.  Of those men, there are always a few that absolutely blow me away.  Without further ado, I want to share a few of the lamest messages I’ve received on match.com recently.

1.) Subject Line: None

Body: “hey sweety how you doin?”

Now…I’m using quotations for a reason.  This is actually copied and pasted directly from his message.  No capitalization, no ‘g’ on the ‘doing.’  I don’t know if this guy thinks he’s Joey Tribbiani from Friends, but “how you doin'” just doesn’t go over so well via email.

ALSO, (and men, if you are reading this, please pay attention,) do not call me “sweety.”  Honestly.  You don’t know me – how do you know I’m sweet?  I’m actually pretty rude.  Moreover, are you my boyfriend?  Is it our 6-month anniversary?  Are we going to Prom?  Did you get me a corsage?  …No need for the pet names, thank you.

2.) Subject Line: “don’t worry not hitting on you”

Body: “just complimenting the run dmc shirt”  (Sidebar: in one of my pics, I’m wearing a Run DMC shirt – it’s hot.)

Again, no capitalization or punctuation.  Do people not understand the idea behind a “first impression?”

More importantly…why are you not hitting on me?  Obviously you like my style, so are you saying that my profile sucks?  Or is it just that you’re not attracted to me?  Or, are you actually hitting on me, but trying to do it on the sly?  On a positive note, if you’re trying to confuse me, you’ve succeeded.  Maybe I will write back and say, “Thank God you weren’t hitting on me.  That would be so awkward.”

3.) Subject Line: Well then…

Body: How about you give me your number so I can text you instead of call ya? Anyway, what makes you Middle-Eastern? Anyway, I don’t want your number but give me your email address.  (Sidebar: in my profile, I mention that texting vs calling is cop out, and under “ethnicity,” I‘ve chosen Middle-Eastern.)

Anyway, I don’t even know where to start on this one.  Anyway, he certainly likes the word anyway.

Ok, good into – I mean, he’s poking fun at my texting comment, which shows he actually read my profile.  That sentence aside, there’s just not any kind of logical flow to the message.  To be honest, I’m not really sure what “what makes you Middle-Eastern” means.  Also, it does seem slightly rude for him to say that he doesn’t even want my number…but then gets quite demanding about the email address.  Either way, I think I’ll write back with just one line:  “www.thesaurus.com.”

Come on guys…you can do better than this.

Remember: If you’d like to submit a question or funny story for the Mid-Week Meltdown, send an email to myvaginamonoblogs@gmail.com, with your name, age, gender, and a little something about yourself.  I try to answer all questions in a timely manner.

Mid-Week Meltdown: What Might Be Right For Some…

24 Jun

Today is the first in our series of Questions and Answers, the Mid-Week Meltdown.

Today, our question comes from a 26 yr old woman who writes to us saying:

Dear MVM,

What do you think about the 3 month rule?…as in, dating a guy, but not sleeping with him for 3 months. I’ve heard good things, but it’s hard. And I like easy. But I also like effective. Are there exceptions to this rule?


Signed,
Crazed and Confused

Dear Crazed and Confused…
As I’m sure you’ve noticed, sex is not a topic that I generally go into detail about in my blog, but I think your question is a good one and deserves answering.
In all honesty, I think the “3 month rule” is ridiculous.  But, like a famous 70’s TV show theme song once (wisely) said, “What might be right for you, might not be right for some,” and vice versa.

Let me break down why I personally disagree with this rule:
1.) Who decided that three months was the right amount of time? And when does the clock start? From the date you meet?  From the date of your first “official date?” From the moment of your first kiss?  And, for that matter, is there a waiting period for your first kiss?

2.) Dating shouldn’t be like writing a term paper – it doesn’t need a time line.

3.) In a real relationship, one person shouldn’t be holding all the power – it should be shared equally.  Withholding sex JUST to withhold sex creates an imbalance.

4.) Finally, and most importantly, sex is an important part of a healthy relationship! Sexual chemistry is something that cannot be forced or falsified.  Without knowing if this part of the relationship works, what’s the point in developing the rest of it? For example, let’s say you wait 3 months, only to find out that it’s the worst sex of your life.  Erectile dysfunction, jack-hammer syndrome, perpetual whiskey-dick, or just plain bad sex…pick your poison.  Now, not only are you stuck with a boyfriend who you don’t want to sleep with, but you’re too emotionally invested to get out without crushing his ego, as he’ll easily recognize that the only variable change is your physical relationship.

Look, I understand the theory behind the three month rule; the idea that you want to get to know someone without letting lust cloud your judgment is not foreign to me.  In no way am I saying to go “slut it up” all over town either.  Yes, you should get to know someone before getting physical with them.  Yes, you should have that awkward conversation about birth control and condoms and STD’s, while FULLY clothed, with a clear state of mind, OUTSIDE the bedroom.  However, withholding sex for some arbitrary amount of time just because someone told you that there is some magic time frame is unnecessary and senseless.

There’s no need to rush into it and there doesn’t need to be a “Go-Live” date either.  Instead of relying on a road map to make your decisions, take the time to know yourself and trust your own judgment.

Remember: If you’d like to submit a question or funny story for the Mid-Week Meltdown, send an email to myvaginamonoblogs@gmail.com, with your name, age, gender, and a little something about yourself.  I try to answer all questions in a timely manner.

What I’ve Learned…

19 Jun

Warning: This blog might get a little cheesy for you on a Friday morning…I promise to return to wit and satire by Monday’s blog!

I’ve spent countless hours analyzing my dates, making light of the dating scene (or rather, making FUN of it,) playing relationship counselor to numerous friends, and (obviously) blogging about all of it.  While pondering this, it dawned upon me that there is a universal truth about relationships that I’ve learned through reflecting upon all these experiences and conversations.

In my (not so) humble opinion, the cornerstone of a really good relationship – be it a friendship or an “intimate relationship” – is twofold:

1.) Each person has to feel lucky to be with the other person.  If you can say to yourself, “Wow, I am so lucky to have this person in my life,” and they can say the same, you are in a great relationship.  Think about your best friends – have you ever thought, “I don’t know what I would do without this person?”

2.) You have to be vulnerable to each other.  Part of the BS about dating is that stage before you let down your guard.  You’re so scared to get hurt or have your pride damaged, that you won’t let someone get close enough to really know you.  In great relationships, you are completely vulnerable to the other person.

Again, think about your best friends – the ones that know your deepest, darkest secrets.  They know things about you, or have been through things with you, that you wouldn’t want anyone else in the world knowing.  But, you don’t doubt their loyalty for a second – you know they wouldn’t use that information against you, just like they know the same of you.

I’m not saying that a really great relationship consists of ONLY these two things; but I know that a relationship can’t flourish without them.

Some Q and A for The Masses

17 Jun

In the last few months (basically since I started My Vagina Monoblogs,) I’ve been approached by several people asking for advice and/or opinions in the world of dating.  A few of my friends recently joined Match.com and have been asking how to handle particular dating situations. involving everything from how much personal information to give out, to how to handle being stood up. I’ve also been asked to help edit online profiles and weigh in on dating issues (online or otherwise,) they’ve been dealing with.

This gave me an idea for My Vagina Monoblogs.  I’d like to start taking questions from YOU!

You can ask anything from how to set up a match.com account to how to handle being blown off.  The questions don’t have to be about match.com or online dating – feel free to ask me anything relating to the dating scene at all!  Every Wednesday, I’ll post a question or two and my (likely satirical) response.   Everything will be anonymous of course, so don’t worry about me putting you on blast.

People will be able to read my response and comment, (whether they agree or disagree,) with their own advice.  This is a great opportunity to not only find out why what you are doing is or isn’t working, but hear what others are going through, and learn from their mistakes and successes in the dating world!  (It’s also a good chance to tell an embarrassing story or ask an awkward question with no personal risk.)

Send your questions, funny dating stories, and anything else you can think of to: myvaginamonoblogs@gmail.com .   You can also tweet your questions at me – @DatingDiaries.  I’ll be sure to let you know what day your question will be posted on the blog.   And remember, no question is too embarrassing…

Plenty of Fish in the Sea

15 Jun

People tell me all the time, “I just don’t like the idea of online dating.” Their reasons vary, but here are a few of the most common:

1.) I can’t tell from a picture if I’m attracted to someone or not.

2.) I can’t trust their profile – they could secretly be married or be some sort of serial killer!

3.) I don’t NEED to date online, I can meet people in real life.

Here are my responses to those “concerns:”

1.) You can’t? Really?  Then how are Maxim, Playboy, and Hustler still in business?

2.) You’re right, they could be lying.  And so could that guy you met 30 minutes ago while ordering a drink at the bar…and all the while you’ve been canoodling with him for the last 20.  If we factor in the fact that you’re also making character decisions when your judgment is probably impaired, the probability that you’re making good choices is significantly decreased.  (Coyote ugly much?)

3.) You’re absolutely right.  You don’t NEED to.  You also don’t NEED to wear makeup or stay in shape or try to appear charming – but all of those things are bettering your chances of exiting the land of “Singledom,” and you seem to be keen on that idea.  Why not increase your chances by expanding your audience?

The thing I love about Match is that it is an incredible screening tool.  For those of you who have never used match.com, let me give you a break down:  There’s an “About Me” section in which you answer some basic questions (physical appearance, likes, dislikes, etc,) and have the opportunity to write about who you are, what you like to do, your accomplishments, etc.  Then you do the same for the “Who I’m Looking For” section.  You can enter age ranges, physical attributes, and also share your thoughts on what you’d like your ideal “match” to be like.

Though people generally only write positive things about themselves, it still gives you the information you need to assess if this person meets your basic “requirements” (for lack of  a better term.)

Think of it like purchasing a new computer; you’ve got an idea of what you want – a lap top with a certain minimum processing speed, at least a 15″ screen, and you’ll need it to be compatible with your other electronic devices such as cell phone and web cam.  Would you go walking around an electronics superstore looking at every desktop, netbook, and laptop in the store?  No, you’d go directly to the section that has what you’re looking for.  In fact, if you were smart, you’d check out your options online before going into the store at all.

My point is there PLENTY of fish in the sea but only YOU decide how to go about “fishing.”  Relying on meeting people in bars, at work, or through friends is like sitting in the middle of the ocean with a fishing pole, just waiting for a bite.  Who knows what you’ll catch!  A big fin tuna (the successful, attractive, caring man,) a guppy (the over-sensitive man who cries at Kleenex commercials,) or even a barracuda (the asshole who you will undoubtedly fall for despite of all the obvious warning signs.)

Utilizing match.com or any other online dating service is like going to a fish market, with every possible type of fish, all organized in tidy little sections, with labels and nutrition information.

Personally, I’d rather make an informed decision about my seafood.  Wouldn’t you?

Nesting…it’s not okay.

10 Jun

You know, women always get a bad rap for being the ones who get “attached” first in a relationship.  You’ve seen Wedding Crashers, I’m sure you recall the “Stage 5, Clinger.” Well, I’d like to speak out for women (not that this is different than any other day, mind you,) and say that men are equally guilty of the same crime.

As some of you may know, I’ve been seeing a lot of a certain someone recently, and have been skimping on first-dates.  (You can’t blame me; the man has a body like Zeus and wears a uniform to boot.  Ladies, you KNOW what they say about men in uniform…)

Anyhow, he’s been tip-toeing around the “inner circle” for awhile, and this weekend I let him slip in, (yes, I realize what that sounds like, let the “That’s What She Said” jokes rain down…) by meeting a few of my friends.  I even had a small dinner party Monday night that ended up being a bit of a double date.  Things went…okay, but I don’t think I’ll be letting him any further into my world… Let’s just say that he didn’t exactly “wow” anyone with his grace or charm.  (i.e. showing up with Hotel For Dogs as a movie pick and apparently being totally serious about watching it.)

Tuesday evening I spent some time tidying up the house and mulling over the idea of “phasing him out.”  As I was doing so, I ran across a canister of shaving cream.  …Men’s shaving cream.  Okay…I thought, that could have been an accident.  One little bottle of shaving cream.  No big deal.

I shook it off and was gathering laundry around my room when I noticed a T-shirt.  A man’s t-shirt.  Alright…maybe he was in a hurry when he left…

Then, as I moved into the living room, I saw his motorcycle helmet, and froze like a deer in headlights.  The extra helmet he generally keeps on his motorcycle for me (or whomever might be riding on the back of his bike,) was sitting on the end of the couch, staring me in the face.

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

After my momentary lapse in the space-time continuum, I realized that this meant the beginning of the end for us.  It was as if the helmet was saying, “It’s okay, I’m just here waiting for the next time he comes over…and the next time…and the next time…”  <Cue scary movie music.>

If the awkward dinner party didn’t seal the deal, this nesting business surely does.  That helmet in the corner was like the nail in the coffin.

Let’s have a little lesson about assumptions.

1.) Never assume that you are seeing someone exclusively.  If you haven’t had “the talk,” dating other people is still fair game.

2.) Never assume that you can leave personal items at someone’s house – you never know who they are expecting for dinner the next day.  (Please see point 1 if you are assuming it’s you.)

3.) Never assume.  Period.

I’m sure you’ve all seen the Assumption Breakdown before, but it’s always nice to have a reminder:

Never ASSUME.  It makes an ASS of U and ME.

It really is a shame though, he had so much potential…I wonder how many push-ups he could do with me sitting on his back.

(Yes, I realize what that sounds like, let the “That’s What She Said” jokes rain down…)

A “Happy Ending”

8 Jun

Breakups, in general, are a bitch.  They’re bad news for all parties involved.  The person doing the “breaking up,” is usually just as uncomfortable as (if not moreso than,) the person being broken up with.  Along with any breakup comes a certain amount of heartache, or at least a bruised ego, but I did have one breakup that broke the mold.

A year or so ago, I was dating a guy I’d met on match.com who was a pretty cool guy, had an awesome dog, and the added bonus was that he had an incredible parking spot in the heart of East Village that he let me park in, whether or not he was home.  We’d been seeing each other for a few weeks, maybe a month or so, when we hit the perverbial wall – the point in the relationship where you realize that it’s just kind of okay.  Not great, not bad…just kind of…there.  (It’s like a meal at Chili’s or Applebee’s or some other mediocre chain restaurant…the food and ambience aren’t terribly impressive, but it’s better than having to stay home and make your own meal.  You’re willing to pay for it, but only during Happy Hour when the appetizers are half off.)

On that particular night, I was hanging out with him (read: watching The Office while he was dozing in and out of consciousness,) when it occurred to me that this was not only going nowhere fast, but that the ride to Nowheresville wasn’t even that entertaining.  So, I asked the dreaded question, “Where is this going?”  …Well, actually, my exact words were, “What are we doing?  I mean…are we gonna keep doing this?” To which he replied, “Well…what were you thinking?” (That answer qualifies not only as vague, but a bit of a cop out, if you ask me.)  Here’s how the rest of the conversation went:

Me: Doesn’t really seem like you’re very fired up about this.
Him: Yea…I’m not really.  But, as you know, I’m not really fired up about much of anything lately.  (Sidebar: He’d been recently overloaded and stressed out with work)
Me: Well, I think I deserve someone who is fired up about me.
Him: You’re absolutely right…it’s not fair to you.  I’m just not that person right now.
Me: And that’s perfectly fine with me…besides, ideally, I think that no matter how exhausted you are from work, or whatever stress is in your life…there will be SOMEONE who gets you fired up…and that’s obviously not me.
Him: {shrug/nod}
Me: So, let’s just call a spade a spade…we had a good run. …I’m kind of upset that I’m gonna lose my awesome parking spot downtown.
Him: Who says you have to lose your parking spot?
Me: Awesome! …Hey, I’m really glad we talked about this instead of dragging things out, and letting it get all awkward.

So, all in all, best “breakup” ever.  Since there was never really a serious level of commitment from either of us, I don’t know if you’d consider it a “breakup” persay…but it was an ending of sorts.  The good news?  (No, I did not just save a bunch of money by switching to Geico.)  I retained a friendship and a killer parking spot.