Archive | May, 2009

Peace and Good Luck

29 May

I feel compelled to share an embarrassing story with the world today.  Here goes:

A few months ago, I went on a first date (shocking, I know.)  “The Lawyer” was a very attractive and witty guy, and we had a great repartee via email and on the phone.  In fact, our first phone call lasted over 45 minutes!  (For those of you who don’t know me, I often speak at the same rate as the Micro Machines spokesperson, so 45 minutes on the phone with me is equivalent to about 3 hours.)

Our date went really well – we had good chemistry, the conversation flowed freely, and it seemed that all systems were go.  When he dropped me off at my place and walked me to my door, there wasn’t really any kind of awkward moment.  (You know that moment.  The “I’m going in for a hug, but it might turn into a kiss, and I wouldn’t really mind if it turned into a kiss, but if he goes in for a hug too, then I don’t want him to know that I was hoping for more than a hug” moment.)

No awkward moment.  He planted one on me, and I literally felt my knees go weak.  It was an end-of-a-romantic-comedy style kiss.  It was a holy-crap-how-did-my-panties-end-up-around-my-ankles kiss.  It was an earth-mover.  You get the idea.  (Note: the panty comment wasn’t literal, don’t get any ideas.)

I went inside and he went home, and that was it.  I updated The Council (my core group of friends who comment and advise me on my dating debaucles,) the next day about the lip-lock and decided to let him initiate contact next.

And so I waited.

And wait I did.  6(ish) days later, I decided enough was enough, so I sent a text that said this:

“I’m kind of an awesome date…so this ‘not asking me out again’ business seems odd.”

His almost immediate response was this:

“You were an awesome date.  Peace and good luck.”

Um.  I’m sorry.  What? Was I missing sosmething?

a.) great conversation

b.) chemistry

c.) great kiss

Nope, that seems to be everything…

I took it to The Council  and they were just as boggled as I was.  In fact, the ONLY thing that was clear was his message.  Peace and good luck does not exactly scream, “Let’s elope in Vegas this weekend!”  And it definitely didn’t warrant a response.  So, I deleted his number and called it a day.

I guess you just can’t win them all.


Deal Breakers

27 May

Had yet another first date last night.   We’ve been talking for weeks, but haven’t been able to get together due to conflicting schedules.  If I’m totally honest, I’d kind of already lost interest before the night had begun…having IM conversations for weeks made the whole event kind of anti-climactic for me.  So, to say that I was thrilled to finally meet him would be a stretch.  Nonetheless, we finally got the timing right and decided to go out for sushi.

As we chatted over dinner, we quickly realized we had a lot more in common than we originally thought.  More than just common interests, it turns out that our heritage, families, and upbringing were basically mirror images of each other.  We had a lot to talk about, and spent a good two hours just getting to know each other!

Still, with everything we had in common, I just didn’t feel that “spark.” With all our commonalities though, it seemed silly to never see him again, and I was already working out strategies on how to transition the night from dating into a friendship.

As we were leaving the restaurant and getting into his car, we had a conversation that for me, is a deal breaker, even if I HAD been super attracted to him:

Me: Weird, your car kind of smells like cigarette smoke.

Him: Oh, that’s because I smoke.

Me: Ohh….well, yea…that would make sense then.

Him: In fact, if you don’t mind…

<He starts to roll down his window and reach into his jacket>

Me: Actually, I DO mind.  In fact, if you could wait til you drop me off, I’d really appreciate it.  I really hate cigarette smoke.

Him: Oh. Ok.

Granted, there wasn’t really any physical cemistry anyway, but had there been, I’m still not down with Smokey The Bear.  Even if I’d been so hot and bothered that I wanted to rip my dress off during dinner and have him take me right there on the sushi bar, cigarettes will squelch that desire every time. I don’t think I’ll be seeing Smokey again, on anything more than a friendship level anyway.

That is what we call a deal-breaker.  In fact, I wanted to put together a short of list of personal deal-breakers that, for me, are non-negotiable:

1.) Smoking cigarettes – I don’t know how or why people got the idea that this was ever sexy or cool or anything other than repulsive, but seriously, get with the times.  Emphysema isn’t exactly topping my list of desirable traits.

2.) Bad grammar – I don’t care how handsome you are, how much money you have, or how big your…muscles…are, if you utter the word “ain’t,’ conversationally, you “ain’t” getting a second date.

3.) Anger issues – If you blow up in a traffic jam, yell at women and/or children, or have ever been referred to as an “angry drunk,” I’ll be out of there faster than the time it takes for your temper to rise in a crowded bar.

4.) Baby mama drama – Look, I don’t have an issue with you having children (well, I kind of do actually, but that’s a whole different blog.) I do however have an issue with your baby mama texting me at 3am with threats of tire slashing.

Now that I’ve shared some of MY personal deal-breakers…what are some of yours? Mistakes – Part 1

22 May

It’s time that I finally tackle this topic.  I feel the need to point out a few of the silly (read: dumb) things that people do in their profile…

First of all (and probably most importantly,) under no circumstance should you say “I’ve never tried online dating before.”

1.) Once you post that profile, it’s a lie.  Congratualations, you’ve tried online dating.  Big whoop. (Oh, and by the way, you posted that line 3 years ago, and I know that because I’ve been here 5 years, and you’ve winked at me 38 times.)

2.) No one cares.  Do you think you’re cool because you’ve made it 36 years without having to “resort” to  Well thanks for insulting the rest of us.

3.) Thanks for pointing out the obvious…because it’s clear that you’re not very good at it.

4.) You’re a little late to jump on this bandwagon.  Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, MySpace, Google, Meetup, Yelp, etc…look buddy, the entire world is online, so by telling me that you’re just getting on board, you’re basically screaming that you’re “a little slow.”

Secondly, can we maybe put a bit of effort into this profile?  Do you have any idea how many profiles that say, “Gee, I just don’t know what to say here…I hate talking about myself!”  REALLY?  Is that what you say when you meet a girl in person too?  “I’d love to have a conversation, but as it turns out, I have no conversation skills.  My bad.”

The third (and probably most well known,) mistake is posting bad pictures, or posting no pictures at all.

1.) Posting NO pictures and then saying, “I’m 5′ 11′, with brown hair and eyes and have been told that I’m good-looking…” Seriously?  That’s like telling a friend “I’ve got a blind date for you…she’s got a REALLY great personality!”  You’re not fooling anyone buddy.

2.)  Posting NO pictures and excusing it by saying, “I don’t have any pictures of myself.”  WOW.  In this digital age, where every waking moment of your life is documented, where every 12 year old kid has a digital camera, cell phone camera, or at the very least a Pokemon Polaroiod camera. you have not ONE picture of yourself?  You might also mention that you are a hermit who lives in his mother’s basement.

3.) The group picture.  “I’m the third from the left, two rows back, you can kind of see me if you squint…”

4.) The OLD picture.  Gosh, I can tell you update your profile a lot, I mean those acid-washed Levi’s are so hot right now, you must’ve taken that photo just a few moments ago.

5. ) The TINY picture.  I mean, do I really even have to say this?  You’d think I wouldn’t. <SIGH>

6.) The shirt-off picture.  This is by far my favorite.  What inspires someone to post a shirtless picture exactly?  I get the idea…look at me, I’m in good shape…but really?  Are you that transparent?  I mean, at least post one where you’re at the beach or something, because this camera-phone-in-the-bathroom-mirror pic is killing me.  When you meet a girl in real life, do you take your shirt off before starting a conversation?  No? Maybe you should try it, I bet you’re going to get all KINDS of ladies…(i.e. homeless ladies, bag ladies, caty-lady ladies)

As you can tell by the title, this is the first in a series of blogs dedicated to Mistakes…and believe me, there are plenty more.  I could write a book…

How can you still be single?!

20 May

I was chatting with a friend yesterday who reconnected with an old classmate via Facebook.  The newly rediscovered friend sent her a message that said, “So, you have to tell me…you’re beautiful, talented, and seem to be very successful, HOW can you still be single?!”

First of all, it is assumptive.  Consider the fact that my friend IS beautiful, talented, and successful…shouldn’t that be MORE reason for her to be single?  Maybe she isn’t just ready to settle for the first shmuck who realizes that she’s got a lot to offer, but he himself has little or nothing to offer.  Maybe she has standards, and would rather hold out for someone who deserves her than settle for someone who doesn’t.

Secondly. this old-school thinking, that if a woman is beautiful and intelligent, they should get “snatched right up,’ by a man is ridiculous.  “Oh my, that woman has something to offer, someone had better marry her and knock her up, quick-like!

Moreover, it suggests that something is wrong.  It’s like someone saying to you…”Gee, you SEEM normal…something MUST be wrong with you if you’re still single.” In fact, my friend said that it made her uneasy, as if she was doing something wrong in her life.  I get that this person probably meant this as a compliment, but what they didn’t realize is that it’s also a slap in the face.  For all intents and purposes, he may as well have said, “it’s too bad you can’t hold down a relationship, because you’d be a great catch if you could.”

This, “Why are you still single?” line comes off differently, depending on who is delivering the sentiment.

1.) The guy at the bar: “You are gorgeous, how can you still be single!?”

Translation: I want you to come home with me tonight, and this lame pick up line is what I consider to be my “A Game.”  (Sidebar: this is the OLDEST line in the book, and always comes off as cheesy.)

2.) A married woman with children: “Gee honey, you’re smart and pretty, why are you still single?”

Translation: I’m exhausted from chasing around 2 kids, living in a sexless marrieage, and wish I could go back and do it all again differently.  Can you please get married soon??  Misery loves company.  (Ok, that was a little extreme, but you get the picture.)

3.) Your parents: You’re still single?  Don’t worry honey, you’ll find the right one…

Translation: I’d better call Margie and see if her son is still gay, because the choices are dwindling and I want grandbabies.

And the list goes on…

My point is, the word ‘single’ doesn’t have to have a negative connotation.  To be more exact…“Don’t hate the player, hate the game.”

I Complete Me

18 May

Remember that scene from the movie “Jerry McGuire,” where the deaf man signs “you complete me,” to his girlfriend in the elevator?  If you’re a woman, of course you do.  For most women, that movie moment is what dreams are made of.  They’re desperately waiting for that moment in their own life, when someone will “complete them.”

Excuse me while I throw up.

Look, I get that people need people.  I get that human nature is such that we want a “partner” in our life.   But don’t you want a whole one?  I, personally, am a complete person.  To be totally honest, I don’t really have any interest in dating an incomplete one.  I mean, do you go to an Italian restaurant and say, “Can I get 7/8 of a pepperoni pizza?”  Do you go to the mall and buy half a pair of shoes or one third a pair of pants?


If you really need someone to complete you, maybe a therapist is a better choice than a boyfriend or girlfriend.

Create a life that’s fulfilling and makes you happy; nothing is more attractive than that.

Sweaty Phelps

15 May

I had a date with another this week. (…De ja vu much?  I feel like I’ve started more than a few blogs with that sentence…)

We grabbed some sushi and then hit up a comedy club to see some local acts.  Couple things to mention here:

1.) I tend to take a lot of my dates to my favorite local sushi place, where the owners me…AND my blog.  They appreciate the business and they get a kick out of all the guys that roll through.

2.) Seeing someone’s sushi etiquette and preferences always tell me a bit about them.  If they order California rolls and can’t use chop sticks to save their life, I know what I’m getting myself into.  (I know.  Kind of rude.  Not everyone has to like raw fish; however it’s kind of like a girl who doesn’t know a thing about football, right?  …And yes, I probably qualify as that girl.)

3.) Comedy clubs make for great dates – you get a feel for their sense of humor AND you always have a great time, whether or not you end up being remotely attracted to your date. **Spoiler alert: this comes in handy later that evening.

Ok, so he picked me up at my place, and the first thing I notice is that his hair is still wet.  No big deal – just an observation, I’m sure he just jumped in the shower right before he picked me up.  Totally normal.

We go to sushi, where he opens the door for me, lets me order, AND is game for sharing some hot sake.  All good things.  Dinner goes well – no major lulls in conversation – and as we’re getting ready to leave, I note that his hair still appears wet.  Hmm…odd.  He’s got a pretty full head of wavy-ish hair, so maybe it’s just taking a REALLY long time to dry.  Though that doesn’t really explain why his face seems quite shiny as well, unless his still soaking wet hair has been dripping…

We head to the comedy show, grab some cocktails and make with the small talk.  Our conversation goes well – joke joke here, joke joke there, funny aside, etc – and the time passes easily.  After awhile, I almost don’t notice the just-got-out-of-the-pool look anymore…almost being the operative word.

The first few comedians in a local lineup are generally pretty horrible, and this night was no exception.  (Telling the audience that you have to hurry because your kids are waiting in the car?  Not funny and I kind of thought I should call Child Protective Services.) It always makes for an extremely uncomfortable time, when you’re not sure who you feel worse for – the comedian or the audience.  (In this case, it’s a toss up.)  After the first few acts, the comedians get better (and/or we have a few more cocktails,) and the crowd is roaring with laughter in no time.  (In fact, I HAVE to give a shout out to this hilarious local comedian Ken Rahn – check out his site: He sang a song called, “No Reason Boner,” you CAN’T not love that.)

After the “head liners,” the comedy really starts going downhill, and we decide to jet.  I’ll be honest…even though the conversation was good, and he was a super nice guy, I just REALLY wasn’t feeling him.  In fact…I’d been eyeing one of the comedians all night, and was trying to figure out how to make a move on the sly.  (Again, kind of rude, but believe me, if you’d seen this guy, you’d understand. Stage presence AND bulging biceps?  Yes, please.)

On the way out, I stop to chat with (and compliment,) the comics, and figure that blatantly flirting is probably out of the question.  (See? I have morals.)  BUT, asking for his business card iss totally acceptable – I mean, I JUST want to help promote the guy’s comedy!

Anyhow, as he drops me off at my place, I note my date’s still-shiny face and hair are just NOT giving it up, and I bid him adieu.

Though I wouldn’t say he earned a gold medal of any kind that night, (unless Pantene Pro-V is now doling out awards,) but he did earn himself the nickname “Michael Phelps.”

**Thanks to Kevin for helping out with the nickname – without you, I’d still be calling him Babyface.

Blog Overload!!!

13 May

Hey everyone!! Just a little heads up…

I’m on blog overload, with all the blogging I’m doing, I barely have time to DATE!!  From now on, I’ll be blogging Mon/Wed/Fri, instead of every day.  Don’t cry.  I’m sure you’ll live.

P.S. Went on a date last night with a guy last night who reminds me of Michael Phelpss…not because of his body type or his athletic ability, but because ALL night long, he looked as if he’d just gotten out of a pool.  I was making silent bets to myself on when his hair would dry.  It didn’t.  More to come on that front this Friday.