Archive | April, 2009

Motorcycle Man

30 Apr

You may recall Motorcycle Man from last week’s post, Mr Let’s Make This Happen. Upon further consideration, I decided to give him a second chance.  Here’s the conversation that led me to that decision:

MM: Hey, I’m just calling to confirm for Tuesday.

Me: Yea, um…did you have something planned?

MM: Well…I had a few ideas.

<Awkward silence>

Me: Um…ok, are you going to tell me…or…?

MM: Well, I thought it could be a surprise. (Sidebar: I LOVE surprises…I mean, like, more than Michael Jackson loves nose jobs, I LOVE surprises!)

Me: Oh…well ok.

MM: So, I was thinking we could…

Me: Wait, I thought you just said it was a surprise…

MM: Well, yea, but I wanted to run some stuff by you.

Me: You are REALLY awkward on the phone.  Are you like this in person too?

MM: No, actually, I know I’m awkward on the phone – it’s not nearly as bad in person.

Me: …Ok.  I guess we’ll see.

We decided to figure out the details later, but that yes, we were still on.  Tuesday night rolled around, and we finally decided that we’d go Go-kart racing, which I thought would be super fun!  As it turns out, it absolutely was (even though I broke my go-kart when I crashed it into the wall…oops.)

He was right – not nearly as awkward in person.  He has this really dry sense of humor that just doesn’t work via the phone, but is hilarious in person.  Moreover, those pictures did not do him justice! (And yes, I made him aware of that fact.)  We went go-kart racing, grabbed some dinner, and went out for drinks.  All in all, it was a pretty awesome date.

He called me the next day to say he had a good time, we should do it again, etc…and seriously, it was JUST as weird as before!  The three minute conversation was nothing but uncomfortable silences, psuedo-witty remarks, and even a couple random movie quotes.  Mid-conversation, I started laughing (more like guffawing, actually) loudly and told him again how incredibly awkward he is on the phone.   This time though,  he laughed too.

So, I guess there’s something to be said for second chances.  Or maybe the lesson here is, “a bad first impression does not a bad date make.”


Black Out Dates

29 Apr

I did something this weekend that was kind of…snatchy.  I don’t really know how else to put it…snatchy seems to be the most fitting adjective. I’ll tell you the story, and you be the judge.

Generally, I reserve my weekends for time with friends.  First dates get Monday – Wednesday, and the occasional Sunday or Thursday night.  But Friday and Saturday?  Those are for my friends.  They’re like dating black-out dates. If you’re wondering about why I split my time up, please see yesterday’s post, Friends…or “Friends.”  Anyhow, until someone shows promise for the elusive, “something more,” they remain in the weekday cycle.

As I was sitting at brunch with some friends on Saturday afternoon , I got a text from The Rescheduler (see last week’s blog, A Welcomed Break,) that asked what time we were meeting up…it caught me totally off guard as I forgot to put in my calendar.  Oops.  The only reason I planned it for Saturday was because we had to reschedule a few times, and he was going out of town for three weeks, so I caved and booked on the weekend.

Though I wasn’t really feeling up for a date, I figured I should keep my word and told him 3;30PM would work.  I arrived home and immediately got a call from a friend inviting me to go to an art walk.  I still had a few hours, so I agreed, and we headed out.  As we were getting ready to leave, I realized there was no way I’d be ready in time to meet up with The Rescheduler by 3:30, so I called and asked to move it to an early dinner date at 5:00PM instead; he was totally understanding!  What a nice guy!

On our way to the art walk, we figured we should probably get a cocktail…I mean, art = culture = cocktails, right?  As I was enjoying my tasty beverage, I thought…I’d better move it back just one more hour.  I texted this time, and again, he was totally fine with it!  I was impressed at how easy going he was, and shared that with the girls.

After cocktail #2 (a delicious mojito, by the way,) my friend Lyndsey looked at me, looked at her drink, then looked at me again, and said, “I don’t want you to go on your date! I want you to stay with us!” (Sidebar: you may be reading this thinking, ‘Wow, that sounds incredibly whiny,’ but really, it was sweet…almost moving…which I hope explains the following course of events.)

Lyndsey: “Don’t go on your date!”

Me: “I know…I know…but I can’t cancel, we’ve already rescheduled three times and he is going out of town for three weeks!! Ugh.  You cancel for me!” (Please note, I was COMPLETELY joking when I made that statement.  I wasn’t suggesting that she actually call and cancel for me…but Lyndsey…well she has a mind of her own…

Lyndsey: “Fantastic idea!”

<she proceeds to call The Rescheduler from my cell> And ok, she can’t really be to blame here, I mean, I did dial the number for her.

Lyndsey: “Hi! This is Lyndsey, Andrea’s friend, and I have some bad news.  I know you have a date but, well, I’ve kidnapped Andrea.  You see, we’re drinking, and I drove, so I couldn’t possibly drive her anywhere as I wouldn’t want to break the law.  Really, it has nothing to do with her, she really wants to go, but she doesn’t have a choice.  In fact, I saw your profile and think you’re totally cute! BESIDES, you’re going out of town for three weeks! If you go out with her now, you’ll have a great time, and you’ll just MISS her like crazy.  You guys will have to call and text…honestly, you’re better off just waiting til you get back in town!” <talking on the other end> “mmhmm…yep! Thanks for being so cool about it! You’re totally in with us already! Ok great! Bye!”

I was oddly impressed and embarrassed at the same time.

She said that he was totally cool with the whole thing, laughed it off, and said he totally understood.  Still…I have a feeling this date will never come to fruition.

Yes, yes, I realize in hindsight (and honestly, I realized it in the moment as well,) that it was a slightly (or maybe just shy of incredibly,) childish move…and shame on me for not speaking for myself.  Though, you have to admit, it’s also hilarious.

Friends…or “Friends”

28 Apr

Sometimes I feel like there just aren’t enough hours in the day, or days in a week.  My calendar usually fills up quickly, and I always wish I had more time.  Because of this, I find myself divvying up my time between friends and dates.

Now, other people have different theories on this, but I have a pretty strict segregation policy when it comes to mixing circles.  When I meet someone, I generally put them into one of two categories…friend or potential love interest.  If someone goes into the friend category, they are automatically ruled out of any potential hookups, dates, or any other “romantic involvement.”  I realize this is very black-and-white, but as I’ll outline for you, it’s much easier this way.

My friends are very important to me, and if I were to start bringing around every guy (or even half the guys,) that I go on dates with, it would be bad news, for several reasons:

1.) It would be overwhelming for my friends.  They’d have to meet these new guys all the time, remember their names, and make small talk when they know they probably won’t be around for long.  (Plus, there’s the mildly annoying, “Where’d ‘Tall Socks’ go?  We liked him!” to deal with.)

2.) It would be unfair to my dates – kind of like throwing them in the lion’s den.  They’d be subjected to all kinds of jokes like, “Which one are you?” or “How long has this one lasted?” No one wants that.  (Well, maybe my friends want that, but only for a cruel form of entertainment value.)

3.) It would be obnoxious for me, having to babysit them while I’m trying to hang out with my friends.  Really! It’s exhausting trying to make sure someone is having a good time…or not having TOO good a time.  (i.e. playing a little game called “No Face,” drinking to excess, and passing out prematurely.)

Separating these two groups allows me to:

1.) Spend more quality time with my friends.

2.) Spend more quality time with the guys I date.

3.) Make a clean break.  If they don’t know any of my friends, it’s not messy. There is definitely something to be said for making a clean cut.

4.) Refer to them as their nicknames amongst friends (please see yesterday’s post: The Nickname Game – I just can’t go around calling someone “Father Time” to their face.)

Honestly though. there is a MAJOR benefit to keeping them out of the inner circle.  If and when I think I’ve found someone who has potential to be more than just “some guy I’m dating,” I WILL introduce them to my friends.

When that happens, a couple things come into play:

1.) My friends know that this is someone who I think I could actually have a relationship with.

2.) I know this person is important to me, and Iget to see how they mesh with my friends.

3.) He goes from nickname to real name (again, see yesterday’s blog.)

So far, these standards have worked out very well for me.  The only gray area is when I meet someone I’m interested in THROUGH a friend.  Here’s where it gets a bit sticky.  Since it’s impossible to make that separation if they already know my friends, we risk it not working out and having to deal with the repercussions later.  Awkward social gatherings, meeting other people they date, and of course, the inevitable (and generally alcohol-induced,) relapse.

Once in a great while, someone breaks the mold.  I’ll meet a great guy who clicks with me and my friends, and if it doesn’t work out, it’s not awkward for anyone involved.  ONCE in awhile, it happens.  But, to quote a great book, recently made popular by the motion picture, He’s Just Not That Into You, “this is the exception, NOT the rule.’

So what’s today’s moral of the story?  Keep your friends close…and your dates on a tight leash.

The Green Monster

27 Apr

A few years back, I had a girlfriend, let’s call her Girl X, who was in what I saw as an unhealthy relationship.  They’d been dating for about a year, and on the outside, everything looked fine.  They were a relatively happy couple, didn’t fight a lot, and seemed like they could possibly go down the marriage path at some point.  The only problem they had is that Girl X was very jealous…and for no particular reason.

She didn’t like her boyfriend to hang out with women unless she was there with him.  She didn’t really love the idea of him looking or talking to any other women, even while in her presence.  In fact, if she knew he was going to be hanging out with one of his female friends, she would do everything she could to be there.  She basically did everything in her power to prevent him from being in a situation that might possibly enable him to cheat on her.

Now, Girl X is obviuosly a bit of an extremist, but I honestly believe that most women will do whatever they can to keep their boyfriends/fiances/husbands out of temptation’s way.  Most women don’t like the idea of their partner going to a strip club or an all-boys trip to Vegas, for fear that they’ll make a mistake.   In fact, most women scoff at even a wandering eye.

Of course, as usual, I disagree with all of these things.  If a relationship is strong, you trust one another, right?  What’s that old saying, “If you love something, set it free.  If it comes back, it’s yours?”

In my (not so) humble opinion, jealousy is just insecurity actualized.  A woman who is confident in not only herself, but also her relationship, needn’t worry.

Let me put it this way:  Ok, let’s say I’m dating someone.  A week, a month, a year, it doesn’t matter.  If that person is going to cheat on me, they’re going to cheat on me no matter what.  By me trying prevent it, I’m just delaying the inevitable.  Personally, I’d rather let a person be exposed to temptation, and let them choose their course of action all on their own.  Get it over with – the sooner, the better.  I’d rather be cheated on and be able to move forward than spend my time worrying about it.

The question I pose to women who worry about their partner cheating on them, is this: if you really think that your partner would cheat on you, given the right situation, why are you with them?

The Nickname Game

27 Apr

When I meet a new guy, whether it’s in real life (IRL to the texting junkies,) or on, they generally earn a nickname.  They go in my cell under their nickname and for the life of the relationship (which, let’s be honest, isn’t usually more than a few weeks anyway,) they are referred to amongst my friends by their nickname.

Here’s a good example:

I met a guy a month or two ago, who looked EXACTLY like one of our friends, Aaron. They could’ve been twins.  Everyone who met him commented on it.  He quickly became “Aaron’s Body Double.”  And, because apparently my friends and I thought it was too much work to say all that every time we talked about him, it was shortened to “A.B.D.”

Some times the nicknames aren’t so creative, but serve a practical purpose – like the guy I met while karaoking at a bar named “Lamplighter.”  He is henceforth referred to as “Lamplighter.”

I’ve got all kinds of nicknames for them – GPS (Good Parking Spot,) Motorcycle Man, Caveman, etc.  My friends have got some great ones too – Alabama (for obvious reasons,) Father Time (a very May-September romance,) and my favorite: The Lazy Serpent (think REALLY bad kisser.)

The point of all this is that these nicknames serve a purpose.  It’s not that these guys don’t mean anything, per se…it’s just a time saver.  If I referred to these guys by their real names, I’d never finish a story!  I’d always have to remind everyone of all the background on them – where we met, what they’re like, etc.  For the sake of efficiency (and comedic value,) I use nicknames.

There are only two problems with this system:

1.) It’s easy to forget their real names.  Obviously this is problematic and potentially embarrassing.

2.) What’s really bad is when you (or your friends) slip up and call them by their nickname instead of their real name.  (…Sorry Smelliot)

Anyone out there have a good nickname story?

Mr. Let’s Make This Happen

24 Apr

I had an interesting conversation last night with another that I thought was blog-worthy…

I’ve exchanged 2 or 3 messages with this guy in the last few days; in his most recent email, he made a few relatively humorous statements, some innocuous comments and then said:

“You know what I’ve learned on No one wants to do anything other than chat. They get home and see that someone just made them feel special but they never have to leave their house.”

He then gave me his number and said to call him.

Hmm…well, I like the “cutting the BS” approach, and at the very least, the conversation will give me a better idea of what he’s like, so I call him.   Here’s how the conversation went:

Him: Hello?

Me: Hey, it’s Andrea, from Match.

Him: Oh…um…hey…hi…..

Me: Well, you’re obviously doing something wrong on, because I go on dates all the time!!

Him: Oh…um…well…

Me: That was a joke.

Him: Right, yea.

Me: So, Mister Let’s Make This Happen, when do you want to go out?

Him: Well, right now, I’m downtown and I have to…

Me: Um…no.  Not tonight…pick a time in the future.  I’ve got plans tonight through Monday night, how about Tuesday?

Him: Oh wow…you’re popular. (Sidebar: Indicating that you don’t have a life?  Super smart guy…huge turn on. Ugh.)

Me: I’m just busy…so anyway, in your email, you made some comment about getting all dressed up and doing something silly, right?  What were you thinking? (Sidebar: for the record, I thought that was weird, but could definitely see the laugh factor there – think black-tie attire at the SD Zoo.)

Him: Well, instead of dressing up, you could wear jeans and we could go for a ride on my motorcycle.

Me: Um…no. (Sidebar:  Really?!  1. You just completely changed the plan to the opposite of your original idea and 2. you REALLY think I’m gonna get on a motorcycle with some dude who apparently can’t seem to properly navigate

Him: Well, I mean, I can’t think of anything right NOW, you put me on the spot….how about like…um…

Me: Look, you have five days to figure it out buddy.  It’s gonna be alright.

Him: Oh ok…well yea.

Me: Ok, I have to run.  Bye.  (Forever.)

Wow guy…and you wonder why you can’t seem to leave their house for a date with you??  I’m shocked and awed. …Go ahead and add one more to the list.


23 Apr

I was listening to the radio this morning and heard an ad for CARFAX, a company that provides complete vehicle history reports for any registered vehicle.  As I heard the announcer deliver this well-known line, “Don’t buy a lemon!  Never buy a car without a CARFAX!”  It hit me.  I’ve been buying lemons all this time…we all have!

Of course I’m talking about men here (c’mon, this is the Vagina Monoblog people.)

When you buy a used car, it has history that can be easily hidden – accidents, repairs, etc.   Aren’t men the same?

Dating a new guy is like test-driving a car.  You take it out, see how it feels, and try to decide if you want to lease it.  The car might seem like everything is in tip top shape – it has a new paint job, the interior is clean, and it even smells like Pine Forest (though I personally prefer that new-car smell.)

Unbeknownst to the buyer though, it may have an ugly history…its last owner might have gone 9 months without changing the oil or rotating the tires.  It might have been in a serious accident that left the car broken, and unable to hit high speeds without shaking violently. People have used and abused that car, and we have no idea what shape it’s really in.  This is where that CARFAX report comes in handy.

If there were a tool like this for men, this would save women all kinds of time and energy.  If I had a GUYFAX, for example, I could quickly read up on a man’s dating history.  I might see things like an ugly break-up that has left him emotionally unstable, a history of broken engagements, or even a pattern of clingyness that indicates his tendency to be co-dependent.  With this information, I could feel like a well-informed buyer.  I may decide that I’m not interested in dealing with the baggage.  However, if I do choose that path, I do it with full knowledge of any past problems and ongoing issues.

On the other hand, I might find a very clean report – no history of domestic violence, verbal abuse, or unhealthy relationships with female family members, (what’s that? You nursed until you were 7 years old?  Hmm…so weird that you have a crazy breast obsession…)  I might even find a glowing testimonial from a previous “owner,” saying what a great guy he is.  In fact, if there WAS a GUYFAX history report out there, it might even encourage men to behave better, as they wouldn’t want strikes on their record.

…Alas, there is no such GUYFAX.  And yes, I realize this idea is slightly ridiculous.  I realize that in fact, it would cause women to judge you men based on past mistakes, and of course, that’s not fair.  But, what can I say?  I’m a dreamer.